zombette

i don't know where to begin. ah well, in the famous words of the Mad Hatter; "Begin at the beginning. And when you come to the end... stop. See." right. well, my it turns out it was my Uncles wish to be cremated (mine too when the time comes) and so the funeral is being put off for maybe another week so all the family can get together and come down for the Mass.
thank you for reading and writing back to me and offering the sympathy... i have thus far never had a close loved one pass away and i am not sure at all if i am dealing with it properly. when my moms mother died last year, that was different. it affected her very badly... they had a VERY strained relationship and my mom remembers as a child waking up to her mother standing over her bed with a knife... she lost her mind for quite a while. only nobody really knew what to do about it back then. i didnt know her that well and so her passing didnt hurt like this. i hope i am not here anymore when my own mother passes. i just cannot imagine how i would survive that.
i am trying my best to go on with things as usual... but something weird is going on. i wear the same clothes for days on end. i am not hungry. i leave school early and make excuses not to go in at all even though i am nearly done. i dont go out with any of my friends anymore. i just want to sleep sleep sleep.
this has been a problem for a few months now but its getting worse. im starting to get panic attacks when i think about leaving the house. i cant even find consolation in playing with my makeup. and it ALWAYS used to make me feel better to look nice.
this has got to stop.
i wish i had energy and motivation. but every time i have to leave this room, i am irritated and afraid and i hide and i dont say anything. i dont understand what is going on. i feel hollow. emptied out. like someone took an ice-cream scoop and opened me up and scooped out all emotions and energy and inspiration. i feel like i am disappearing into a shadow. does that make sense? when i am at school i hear people having cheerful conversations and laughing and chatting and i feel like there is a barrier of some sort between me and them. and i want to break it down and join in and laugh too; but i cant. im too tired. im just too damn exhausted. i dont bounce so good anymore. after you get hit so many times; part of you just decides that maybe if you lay in the dirt you wont get hit anymore. maybe. i dont know. i have no idea what i am talking about. haha. ha. hmm.