zombette

sometimes you either crack up or... you crack up. i am glad i got a chance to do a makeover today at school for a girl on her way to homecoming, that was fun. i took a picture because its one of the best ive ever done. she had really bad acne, poor thing, and when i finished, she looked like a porcelain doll. her mom slipped me $20!! i was elated!
as far as the last blog i posted; i made what was perhaps a hasty decision and posted it on myspace as well. im not saying i lost a friend... but i i got a reply to it. i didnt read it past the first three words because i had a pretty fair inkling what it would say.
bitch, youre welcome, by the way, for the baby gifts.
i hope that you do well. i do. and yes, you WERE there for me. i admit that. you were there for me when it suited you. but you also kicked me in the teeth quite a few times; proverbially. i tried to get in touch with you a few times since the shower, and since i heard SHIT, i figured you just wrote me out of your life (again). lets make this the last time. you are doing your thing, i am doing my thing. i hope it turns out better for you than it did for your mom. but you have a very large streak of her inside you and just a last word of advice from the Dreamhunter; youd better figure out how to keep that in check.
we had great times. i am a different person now, thats all. so are you. weve been growing apart for years. everything changes. nothing remains constant. it was hard to be your friend. almost as hard for me as it was for you to be MY friend at times, maybe.
and im glad i know better now my own weaknesses and faults and advantages and disadvantages. and have expanded my own horizons enough to 'get' what friendship actually is. and to know what to look for in a person.
and as for my life... i am graduating in december if i can swing it... i am going to florida for at least a little while... and im going to be traveling like mad. i need to get back to LA, i have a feeling im going to be going back and forth between here and Columbus a few times between now and graduation, and hopefully linsey and i can realize this dream of ours and go to Vegas. maybe i will meet someone who snatches my breath away. maybe not. but at least im not deluded anymore.
by anyone.
i am a survivor.
aint nobody gonna take me down. tomorrow im getting my arm finished (yay!) and spending time with linz (yay!) and monday i have a shoot in detroit (yay!) and friday is scary movie night (yay!)
the past is best left where it belongs. back there. in the past. im done dwelling on it. im too busy making plans and working on my future. divorce will be finalized in november (hopefully) thats when the lawyer is trying to set my court date.
i cant wait for halloween, i cant wait for Nov. 8th and another Havana, i cant wait to graduate and get licensed and travel... my priorities now are simple. i dont want or need much. i would like to hold onto the friends ive made, meet new people who make my head spin, and live my life free and without answering to anyone. ive been through hell. some of that hell was my own doing and i own up to that. but by no means was ALL of it my own doing. but thats over. done. and i came back out alive and sometimes its hard... but i get out of bed and i do what i have to do.
and i am proud of who i am now.
and i am apologizing to no one.

i have survived drug addiction. i have survived sexual abuse by my father and other men. i have survived multiple car accidents. i have survived being hit in the head with a wrench. i have survived merciless mental abuse. i have survived and escaped a doomed marriage and a selfish man. i have survived my own self-destructive tendencies and self-mutilation.
and goddamnit i think im a better person for it. i am certainly more patient; if not more forgiving. i dont think i will ever 'get' the forgiveness thing. i am drawing again. and writing. and i have my friends and my new SG friends to thank for that. for a change i dont want to die young anymore. for a change i am discovering all these reasons to live. and i still have a heart.
the world keeps on keepin on. i will sell my wedding and engagement rings. and various clothing that i have accumulated throughout the years... all of it designer. i am hoping to figure out how to do this on ebay.
everything, in short, is going to be just fine.
one BIG huge thank you to the one person who has truly been there for me through everything and never lost hope... jerry. i love you, son. to the end of the world. you got me through the worst of the worst. and dont think i will ever EVER forget that. i always call you my big brother when i speak of you. because you took care of me. not because you felt obligated to. because you are the brightest soul i have ever known.
you SHINE. and i wish you and sarah (my little sister! we even LOOK somewhat alike sometimes!!) the best best best in everything that you do. i love you both. (even though i dont think either of you are reading this)
love is stronger than hate.