as i was driving home from school today (my mother lets me drive as long as SHE is in the car with me), she told me she spoke to my aunt jane on the phone. and she isnt doing well.
at all.
aunt jane has always been close to my heart. the best part of it, really. i consider her a queen among mortals. and she has had lupus for many years and has gone through pretty good spells, and not so good spells. she has had lupus for so long and spent so much time in hospitals and ive seen her groggy from that horrible medication and puffy and bruised. ive seen her when she was sick and hurting, but she never NEVER lets on or goes on about that. she always asks how other people are doing and she is always helping with everyone else.
i guess (this is according to my mom, so i dont know firsthand, so im not letting my heart break apart yet) that she is going through the worst physical sickness she has ever had. the medication she is on (which is VERY strong) isnt working and her organs are not working and her body is rejecting the meds and im so scared right now. im so scared. aunt jane is on my (short) list of people that if they died... i just cant comprehend that. i come up across a brick wall in my head and the wall is graffitied with No No No.
jerry, if youre reading this, im going to write to you personally. sarah, if you are reading this, i love you and write to me; let me know what is going on.
this is a knife in my heart. she is like a mother to me, or a big sister, or a best friend, or all those things wrapped up in one shining soul. the idea of her sick and hurting and in pain and me unable to do ANYTHING makes me feel like slamming my head into a wall until i pass out.
i can pray.
but there has to be something PHYSICAL i can do for her. i want to help her.
god god god i would give anything anything anything for healing hands. i would give my life for her. she is a so much better human being than i could ever dream of becoming anyway.
so god; if you take bargains; make her well and give her sickness to me. please god make her well and give it to me. this is a sincere bargain. no strings attached. i would give up my own life if you can make her better.
god im crying
at all.
aunt jane has always been close to my heart. the best part of it, really. i consider her a queen among mortals. and she has had lupus for many years and has gone through pretty good spells, and not so good spells. she has had lupus for so long and spent so much time in hospitals and ive seen her groggy from that horrible medication and puffy and bruised. ive seen her when she was sick and hurting, but she never NEVER lets on or goes on about that. she always asks how other people are doing and she is always helping with everyone else.
i guess (this is according to my mom, so i dont know firsthand, so im not letting my heart break apart yet) that she is going through the worst physical sickness she has ever had. the medication she is on (which is VERY strong) isnt working and her organs are not working and her body is rejecting the meds and im so scared right now. im so scared. aunt jane is on my (short) list of people that if they died... i just cant comprehend that. i come up across a brick wall in my head and the wall is graffitied with No No No.
jerry, if youre reading this, im going to write to you personally. sarah, if you are reading this, i love you and write to me; let me know what is going on.
this is a knife in my heart. she is like a mother to me, or a big sister, or a best friend, or all those things wrapped up in one shining soul. the idea of her sick and hurting and in pain and me unable to do ANYTHING makes me feel like slamming my head into a wall until i pass out.
i can pray.
but there has to be something PHYSICAL i can do for her. i want to help her.
god god god i would give anything anything anything for healing hands. i would give my life for her. she is a so much better human being than i could ever dream of becoming anyway.
so god; if you take bargains; make her well and give her sickness to me. please god make her well and give it to me. this is a sincere bargain. no strings attached. i would give up my own life if you can make her better.
god im crying
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And tell her that when she passes, she'll live on through you, and that you will make damn sure that your kids and all other generations after you know, recognize, and respect the strength, love and impact your aunt Jane has had in your life and all those around her.
Knowing that, I would be confident I had lived a full life.
I won't hope that you feel better, that would be unrealistic. But I do hope for you to have the strength to cope through this or any hardship.
Hugs!!