its been a wacky few weeks. the heat is unbearable. the way i see it; humans are meat. and what does meat do in the heat? it rots. i feel like im rotting sometimes.
i want to dye my hair, but theres something i feel like i need to write about first. this sounds like im trying to be something im not; or trying to kiss everyones ass so theyll like me, but its not the case.
i kind of feel guilty. about being put up live so quick. there are so many girls in limbo who have a LOT more going for them than i do, and i just dont know how it happened. i got lucky, i think. and im still exhilirated, and still kind of high off of all the love aimed at me, but... i just dont want anyone to be mad at me for going up. i hate it when people are mad at me; even on the stupid computer. it hurts my feelings. im not talking about anybody in particular, im just saying...
i am just saying i always wanted the impossible. i always wanted everyones approval and love. i want everyone i meet to love me. i guess thats why i tried so long and let my marriage draw out until it nearly killed me. because i wanted him to love me.
with the majority of people; mostly everyone, ill settle for at least being cool. i dont like fighting. it makes my stomach hurt and plays hell with my digestion. im a lover, not a fighter. this is a weird post. im trying to figure out what i want to say as i go along, i think. i know for a fact there are girls who have been waiting longer than me for their debut sets and i dont want anybody to be mad at me, thats all, i guess.
maybe its all random. ive seen girls who are prettier than me and still in limbo, i dont know how it works.
i cant help being thrilled that i got picked, and... i cant help it.
but im the kind of girl who will do almost anything to avoid stressing anyone else out or causing anyone grief or pain or anger or jealousy. i want to literally be friends with everyone on this site. well, at least the people i like. and i dont want to alienate anybody.
every time i think i have some aspect of myself figured out or killed off for good and all, she comes back. i guess thats my nature. ive met domineering people who are loud and will step on anyone if it gets them a leg up to their goal, ive met quiet people who let everyone walk all over them.... there has to be a happy medium. there has to be a way to go after what you desire and what drives you and what motivates you without hurting other people and leaving a wake of destruction and pain in your path. there has to be a way to be good-natured and a good listener and a sweet person without getting stepped on and used.
maybe thats what i need to figure out next. how to find a happy medium. if i had to classify myself, step outside myself and really take a good look, id say i can be selfish, ive got a head like a rock, im vain, i want too much and expect too much of myself, and i look for the best in others. even the lost causes.
especially the lost causes. because thats what i am. thats what i always have been. thats what ive drilled into my head since nick left. im not even worth a goodbye. so yeah. being picked out and singled out here has done an amazing thing. its forced me to rethink outside my little box. i cant feel sorry for myself because i lost my love; its a waste of energy and it drains me of hope and its a mindfuck. just because someone doesnt appreciate me, that doesnt make me a waste of space. thats a hard lesson for me to learn, though. i just want so bad to make everyone happy.
how do you change your nature?
i want to dye my hair, but theres something i feel like i need to write about first. this sounds like im trying to be something im not; or trying to kiss everyones ass so theyll like me, but its not the case.
i kind of feel guilty. about being put up live so quick. there are so many girls in limbo who have a LOT more going for them than i do, and i just dont know how it happened. i got lucky, i think. and im still exhilirated, and still kind of high off of all the love aimed at me, but... i just dont want anyone to be mad at me for going up. i hate it when people are mad at me; even on the stupid computer. it hurts my feelings. im not talking about anybody in particular, im just saying...
i am just saying i always wanted the impossible. i always wanted everyones approval and love. i want everyone i meet to love me. i guess thats why i tried so long and let my marriage draw out until it nearly killed me. because i wanted him to love me.
with the majority of people; mostly everyone, ill settle for at least being cool. i dont like fighting. it makes my stomach hurt and plays hell with my digestion. im a lover, not a fighter. this is a weird post. im trying to figure out what i want to say as i go along, i think. i know for a fact there are girls who have been waiting longer than me for their debut sets and i dont want anybody to be mad at me, thats all, i guess.
maybe its all random. ive seen girls who are prettier than me and still in limbo, i dont know how it works.
i cant help being thrilled that i got picked, and... i cant help it.
but im the kind of girl who will do almost anything to avoid stressing anyone else out or causing anyone grief or pain or anger or jealousy. i want to literally be friends with everyone on this site. well, at least the people i like. and i dont want to alienate anybody.
every time i think i have some aspect of myself figured out or killed off for good and all, she comes back. i guess thats my nature. ive met domineering people who are loud and will step on anyone if it gets them a leg up to their goal, ive met quiet people who let everyone walk all over them.... there has to be a happy medium. there has to be a way to go after what you desire and what drives you and what motivates you without hurting other people and leaving a wake of destruction and pain in your path. there has to be a way to be good-natured and a good listener and a sweet person without getting stepped on and used.
maybe thats what i need to figure out next. how to find a happy medium. if i had to classify myself, step outside myself and really take a good look, id say i can be selfish, ive got a head like a rock, im vain, i want too much and expect too much of myself, and i look for the best in others. even the lost causes.
especially the lost causes. because thats what i am. thats what i always have been. thats what ive drilled into my head since nick left. im not even worth a goodbye. so yeah. being picked out and singled out here has done an amazing thing. its forced me to rethink outside my little box. i cant feel sorry for myself because i lost my love; its a waste of energy and it drains me of hope and its a mindfuck. just because someone doesnt appreciate me, that doesnt make me a waste of space. thats a hard lesson for me to learn, though. i just want so bad to make everyone happy.
how do you change your nature?
VIEW 12 of 12 COMMENTS
When it comes to putting up a set, the ones that have been planned, have a theme, and are well shot are going to go first. That's all there is to it. It's marketing.
And yes, girls are jealous creatures, so you're going to have those who are jealous. Really? You should be damned proud you turned pink as fast as you have. I only hope I have the same luck.
Cheers to you, am happy for you, and to me you are a sign of hope that if you put a good effort forward, you are rewarded with going pink.
your first sets pretty damn special
cant wait to see more killer loveness
loves it!!!