zombette

I MADE IT!! I FUCKING MADE IT!! i cant help it, im PREENING. im preening like a goddamn PEACOCK. its mostly alissas doing, you know, i mean, im not THAT vain. a brilliant photographer can make even me look like a pinup queen. i cant wait until the set is five by five and ready to be viewed by everyone; i cant help feeling anxious feelings as to what the general consensus will be. i mean, clearly i love it and alissa must have loved it, and rigel certainly approved (and faster than i anticipated, too, which is a VERY good thing, since my impatience tends to rub off on others and start irritating people like hives.)
i couldnt sleep. well, i slept a little, and then i woke up to verify that yes, it IS true, i AM a suicidegirl, and let me tell you something. when you daydream and hope for something for YEARS but you kind of dont dare hope for it at the same time because you KNOW youll never in a million years be good enough... well... when you actually decide one day to say 'what the hell, im gonna give it a try anyway, damn the torpedoes'... and that thing that you wished for actually COMES TO PASS...
thats one of the best feelings in the world.
and its a feeling that is especially sparkly and full of butterflies when every day for the last two years youve been tied down in marriage to a man who doesnt love you... and every day for those two years youve been considering divorce but have been too scared to Take Steps.
its difficult to explain with words; as most of the important things are. i think i just woke up in a way. in a way its like ive spent two years slowly waking up in different ways and on different levels. i dont trust people anymore; and i used to trust EVERYONE. i used to bend over backward to please everyone around me because more than anything, i felt i needed to be loved and needed. those things, noble as they sound, all come down to pride in the end.
and now i dont so much care about being bffs with the world. i will settle for a handful of people i respect and whom i know wont turn me away. and ill settle for not being everyones enemy.
as you may have noticed by the rambling, im still a little drunk on my power, here. whoo. i cant wait to see my set. i cant wait to travel. i cant wait to get my package in the mail.
maybe its true. maybe the world ISNT all bad and the good DONT always die young.
hope.
you cant kill it with a stick.