its may. why are we having all this fucking rain? arent APRIL showers supposed to make everything bloom and blossom and live again? i like walking at night. but when its raining, i just get too damn cold.
im still a wreck. my girlfriend called me last night at 2am and i was half asleep. i looked at the caller and picked up immediately, though, because we arent talking about the kind of girl who just calls people at two in the morning for the hell of it. i worry about her. i worry about a handful of girls i know that i like and admire and respect so much. why is it that people cant see themselves properly; the way i do? and in some situations... there really is no right thing to say. no band-aid big enough to cover a wound that deep.
so yeah, i worry. i want to save the people i love. and i fall in love every day. im not using that word cheaply or ignorantly, either. i fall in love with my friends.
i cant say im perfect. im not. its really easy to be your own worst enemy. my rationale used to be Hey, if i can hurt myself bad enough, nobodys ever going to be capable of getting to me ever again.
faulty logic. but i wasnt thinking very straight at the time.
fuck it, im not thinking straight NOW. i feel like im getting STUPIDER. i feel like i used to be so smart. and im just now starting to realize how much i dont know and will never know and it hurts my heart.
i want to see milan and florence. i want to walk where st francis of assissi walked. i want to go to lourdes and be healed. but maybe you have to have faith for miracles to work.
i guess im trying to recapture the faith. i guess im trying. but it was so easy when i was a little kid and i had the grown ups telling me the right thing to do.
im not a grown up. im almost 30 and i havent grown up. i hope ive gotten wiser, but im afraid im just jaded. and there are so many people in this world. so many! i see them at red lights, i see them in line at walgreens, i see them eating in subways i see them smoking and drinking and laughing and crying.
and they are all breathing my air.
ever wonder about the person sitting at the booth across from yours in the restaurant? ever wonder when the last time was they got fucked?
i wonder things.
i wonder how much time i have left. i dont want to get old.
im still a wreck. my girlfriend called me last night at 2am and i was half asleep. i looked at the caller and picked up immediately, though, because we arent talking about the kind of girl who just calls people at two in the morning for the hell of it. i worry about her. i worry about a handful of girls i know that i like and admire and respect so much. why is it that people cant see themselves properly; the way i do? and in some situations... there really is no right thing to say. no band-aid big enough to cover a wound that deep.
so yeah, i worry. i want to save the people i love. and i fall in love every day. im not using that word cheaply or ignorantly, either. i fall in love with my friends.
i cant say im perfect. im not. its really easy to be your own worst enemy. my rationale used to be Hey, if i can hurt myself bad enough, nobodys ever going to be capable of getting to me ever again.
faulty logic. but i wasnt thinking very straight at the time.
fuck it, im not thinking straight NOW. i feel like im getting STUPIDER. i feel like i used to be so smart. and im just now starting to realize how much i dont know and will never know and it hurts my heart.
i want to see milan and florence. i want to walk where st francis of assissi walked. i want to go to lourdes and be healed. but maybe you have to have faith for miracles to work.
i guess im trying to recapture the faith. i guess im trying. but it was so easy when i was a little kid and i had the grown ups telling me the right thing to do.
im not a grown up. im almost 30 and i havent grown up. i hope ive gotten wiser, but im afraid im just jaded. and there are so many people in this world. so many! i see them at red lights, i see them in line at walgreens, i see them eating in subways i see them smoking and drinking and laughing and crying.
and they are all breathing my air.
ever wonder about the person sitting at the booth across from yours in the restaurant? ever wonder when the last time was they got fucked?
i wonder things.
i wonder how much time i have left. i dont want to get old.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
Welcome to the club. I'm 34, hold a respectable job, have lived more/experienced more than most at my age and I still don't feel grown up sometimes. It's all relative, Zombette. Great post.