zeroburritos

I have schitzoaffective bipolar. It is a struggle to keep my consistent ideal mind zone going consistently and positively.

A lot of the time I feel like I am having arguments with people in my head. Arguing about what I'm doing with my time because i wrote a to do list and suddenly I visited that one person's house and now my mind wants to blame them for being anti whatever positive I am trying to accomplish in my life.

It is weird because I try to stay positive and work through this but it really feels like there is an entire group of voices invading my sphere and life when I try to do positive things that take me towards meeting my life goals and personal accomplishments dealing with career.

Being schitzoaffective is weird because it makes me even worse of a self critic than I used to be. I tear myself down before I'm even finished getting dressed in the mornings sometimes. Being bipolar means I can work on a project for two months, hitting all my goals and targets and then suddenly I wake up one day and forget that it even exists. The schitzo part of me hears voices that then blames people in my life, or even because I watched a certain television show (maybe because it had sex in it or something) and my mind will latch onto that and not let me progress through my thought forward. And the perfectionist in my expect me to flip the switch and be a perfect vision of everything I have planned for myself at the switch of a button. It is a journey, with no clear destination, and sometimes patience is all that is needed to get through to the next stage.

All I am saying is that creatively I have travelled through all my life exposures and found that some of my very basic discoveries of what I truly love and find beautiful are what help heal me and make me work for the most.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to find a way to get to the gym and yoga without the voices in my head arguing that I don't even deserve to be at the gym.~life