y

what was the outcome of the session with the psychologist? did it help at all, even if only temporarily? what's the root of your depression? is it just...there?

i worry so much about my own state of mind. i try to decide if it's worse now than it was when i was adolescent, but i'm just not sure. i look to the future and it worries me; "i see a darkness", so to speak. i really feel my nihilism is congenital, and if so, fine; if that's my natural state, so be it. i don't particularly dislike myself. but i would like to be at ease with my design, at least.

the catch-22 of depression is that it thrives on inactivity - and the effect of depression is torpor. so you can't win. or can you? people make it thru to the other side every day, i imagine.

wonderful painting, by the way. i like how the man and the bull contemplate each other.

me and grace? we're getting on really well. miraculously, the relationship hasn't ended in animosity. she seems happier now, which in turn makes me feel better. i'm lucky to still have her as a friend after how much of a headfuck i seemed to be... my poem the aspects is about her/us, but it's retrospective. my most recent stuff (possession, for example) is about another major female of my life, my great unrequiting; the "un" part seems to be fading now and it's a real challenge, emotionally. there's a lot at stake, primarily a very special friendship... keep watching the upc for updates on that! ha.

astrology fascinates me because i tend to reject most mysticism/spiritualism but i can't ignore that the zodiac's description of a pisces is basically an exact definition of my personality. and it's also true that geminis are a fucking nightmare. ha. the way i see it is - of course the time of year of your birth is going to affect/define your personality. i don't know if it's anything to do with the planets, but i don't underestimate the elements.

it does sound like we're in the same boat. and we're singing the same sad shanty. heh. it's hard to go easy on yourself, i find; maybe it's our generation, which is without a "cause"... i just won't allow myself any special dispensation because of "the way i am". hmm. but maybe i should. and you should too.

"peace"