xligh

Today my life is terrible. I learned a few things, and I was forced to face a few things. I realize teh hard way that I am not a good person, and what hurts more is that I don't know how to fix it. I don't really know who to share with or what to say, so I'm pouring things out here on SG just to get it out of my system in an environement where I know no one I see in real life on a day to day basis will ever know what has been said. So here goes.

I've been seeing this girl since Christmas, nice girl named April, fun person t be around, really cute, good personality, and makes me laugh a lot. Great in bed too, but that's not the point here. Long story short, she ended up gettign pregnant, rocked our world pretty hard. I wanted to keep it, I know, strange for a guy. She did not. Today was teh day of the abortion, 8 weeks and 6 days pregnant, and my baby is dead. Yes I look at it as a baby, and no I'm not happy that we did this. Let me just say that I am NOT anti-abortion, I don't believe in any sort of religion, and I am very much pro-choice because I know there are always circumstances. That being said, when it's your own flesh and blood in there, you think twice about gettign rid of it. Now, I came to terms with teh abortion thing, and I know rationally and logically that it was the better option, emotionally howevere I doubt if I'll ever be ok with it, every time I see a kid or a baby I think of what might have been.
Second thing, I discovered today that I am not a good person. About a week ago, I started having doubts abotu teh relationship, I really don't think she likes me for me, she likes that I'm always really sweet to her, and that I always try my best to takle care of her and I buy her things and take her out places, etc. THat being said, she hates the way I dress, the way I keep my hair, we don't agree at all on music, lifestyles, health and fitness, cosmetic surgery, we are at opposite ends on many things, and while many of teh things listed here may seem like small things, I assure you they are not. These things add up to who you are as a person, I feel like she was never going to like me for me, she wants to change so many things about me that it has taken me a logn time to find and like, I have developed my own style at great time and effort, I don't intend to give it up without a fight. Anyway, I think partly because of this feeling of doubt toward our relationship, but in general just because of teh way I am, I have been flirting with other women, now normally this isn't a big deal, I do this all the time, and I never think anything of it, it's harmless chatter. Some of teh women I flirt with I would never want to be with, it really is just somethign I've always done, and continue to do as part of the way I am. Again, this was not the issue, the issue is that today I said something to a friend of mine who happens to work in a topless bar about how I love titties, and that she'd have to show me them sometime. Again, casual flirtation, as we here on SG very much know. Now here's the terrible part, when April asked what I was texting about, I lied to her and hid the messages. KNowing of course that lying is her numbr one "no strikes" rule. Then, on top of flirting with another girl while at my girlfriends house, it also happened to be on teh same day that I'm supposed to be taking care of her because she just had an abortiion this morning, then I tried to hide it, and lied about it because I felt guilty about doing it.

All of this leads me to think that I am not a good person, which is the only thing I have ever ttried to be in this world, I want to be that nice guy who's super sweet and everyone loves. You know the sad part? I'm more upset and hurt about making her mad and upsetting her and not being everythign I promised her I would be than I am about losing the relationship. I can handle us not dating anymore because I know in my heart, liek I should have admittied all along, that we are not right for each other. What I cannot handle is the knowledge that yet again I have hurt a close friend, and more importantly, a girl that trusted me with her heart. Most mportantly, I have to live with knowing that all this time I have thought I am a decent honest person, I have been wrong. I am not the person I have ever said I wanted to be, and I honestly don't know what to do to fix it.