Trying to not take my cell phone and throw it up against the wall. Maybe seeing it shatter into a couple of pieces REALLY wouldn't be that bad, right?
I have had to replace my Sidekick 2 twice already, i am NOT replacing it another time. Just today it started to not pick up the SIM card again. Normally i would wait about 2 days and then bitch to T-Mobile about their shitty ass products. Unfortunately, I will not be able to get a new phone until November 3rd (next paycheck that isn't already planned out for bills). So once again, i have to switch back to the stupid Nokia phone until further notice. It seems as though when everything is going right, something tears into my upcoming finances. Ah well, such is life. Money is earned to be spent. Though once in a while, it would be nice for life to throw me a bone JUST ONCE. I need an idea as to which company to go to, Cingular or Sprint (no Verizon).
New topic, recently at The Home Depot, we received SELF-CHECKOUT. I am sure that everyone knows what SCO is, so i'll skip the lame description. My main beef with the new machinery is that CUSTOMERS ARE SO FRIGGIN' LAZY. When it comes to something shiny and new, tincludedwith a dash of "DO IT YOUR DAMN SELF" in the mix, people become lazy, invalid monkeys. I am so sick and tired of them coming up to me with a small item (ex. Super Glue) when they could simply walk over to the Self-Checkout, and ring themselves up. The machines even give the user the option of doing the transaction en espanol and still they meander around like someone placed a bunch of Weeble-Wobbles on the floor. I have even had a customer come up to me and say, "I'm not doing this shit, you get paid to do it, so do it". I wanted to punch his cousin-kissing, no teeth-having, wife-beating, hick ass right in his face. The new slogan for The Home Depot should be, "You can do it...................................................................so have fun, jerks."
I'm also kinda bummed that the Playstation 3 preorders have already sold out, and why haven't i been informed of this? Even though, i probably won't have the monies when it was available, but it would have been nice to know that.........
Even more importantly, i know that i piss off a whole lot of people when i say this, but...........i DO NOT want to be gay/bi/whatever ANYMORE. I am aware that i cannot just turn it off like a lightswitch, but something has to be done. I have come to the realization that in the long-run, I would never be able to tell my family, and that I would NEVER feel comfortable in public with a boyfriend or "life-partner". At the end of the day, even though I might have JUST had sex with another guy..........i picture my future with 3 children, a house, AND A FEMALE WIFE. Not a feminine man, a transgendered man, or anything like that.
After every time i do something with a man, i feel dirty/unclean (not physically, but spiritually) and i instantly start thinking "Why did i go through with that??" Even when i was younger, people would tease me (when i wasn't even THINKING about being with another man) about some of the things that I would say and shit like that. It is completely annoying having to always look around and make sure that people aren't making fun of me. I'm tired of being made fun of, tired of the gay jokes and tired of the persecution. I DO NOT WANT THIS LIFESTYLE ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If my heart is not truly into it, then it is NOT what i was meant to be. I was reading a couple articles the other day that explained the "ex-gay movement". Responses to it were negative, and people were saying that it couldn't be done. This lifestyle is not fulfilling to me, and i KNOW that it cannot be. If i could go back and make some changes with the choices that I have made in the past (losing my virginity to a man) I WOULD. But i can't, I have to live with it for the rest of my life. But I can choose to end this lifestyle and plan for my future. Because I will not have a boyfriend, marry him, and then artificially inseminate some woman to have my child.......or even worse, adopt some parentless asian child. The children i plan on having will be mine and hers (whomever she may be).
So basically that is it for today...............
I have had to replace my Sidekick 2 twice already, i am NOT replacing it another time. Just today it started to not pick up the SIM card again. Normally i would wait about 2 days and then bitch to T-Mobile about their shitty ass products. Unfortunately, I will not be able to get a new phone until November 3rd (next paycheck that isn't already planned out for bills). So once again, i have to switch back to the stupid Nokia phone until further notice. It seems as though when everything is going right, something tears into my upcoming finances. Ah well, such is life. Money is earned to be spent. Though once in a while, it would be nice for life to throw me a bone JUST ONCE. I need an idea as to which company to go to, Cingular or Sprint (no Verizon).
New topic, recently at The Home Depot, we received SELF-CHECKOUT. I am sure that everyone knows what SCO is, so i'll skip the lame description. My main beef with the new machinery is that CUSTOMERS ARE SO FRIGGIN' LAZY. When it comes to something shiny and new, tincludedwith a dash of "DO IT YOUR DAMN SELF" in the mix, people become lazy, invalid monkeys. I am so sick and tired of them coming up to me with a small item (ex. Super Glue) when they could simply walk over to the Self-Checkout, and ring themselves up. The machines even give the user the option of doing the transaction en espanol and still they meander around like someone placed a bunch of Weeble-Wobbles on the floor. I have even had a customer come up to me and say, "I'm not doing this shit, you get paid to do it, so do it". I wanted to punch his cousin-kissing, no teeth-having, wife-beating, hick ass right in his face. The new slogan for The Home Depot should be, "You can do it...................................................................so have fun, jerks."
I'm also kinda bummed that the Playstation 3 preorders have already sold out, and why haven't i been informed of this? Even though, i probably won't have the monies when it was available, but it would have been nice to know that.........
Even more importantly, i know that i piss off a whole lot of people when i say this, but...........i DO NOT want to be gay/bi/whatever ANYMORE. I am aware that i cannot just turn it off like a lightswitch, but something has to be done. I have come to the realization that in the long-run, I would never be able to tell my family, and that I would NEVER feel comfortable in public with a boyfriend or "life-partner". At the end of the day, even though I might have JUST had sex with another guy..........i picture my future with 3 children, a house, AND A FEMALE WIFE. Not a feminine man, a transgendered man, or anything like that.
After every time i do something with a man, i feel dirty/unclean (not physically, but spiritually) and i instantly start thinking "Why did i go through with that??" Even when i was younger, people would tease me (when i wasn't even THINKING about being with another man) about some of the things that I would say and shit like that. It is completely annoying having to always look around and make sure that people aren't making fun of me. I'm tired of being made fun of, tired of the gay jokes and tired of the persecution. I DO NOT WANT THIS LIFESTYLE ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If my heart is not truly into it, then it is NOT what i was meant to be. I was reading a couple articles the other day that explained the "ex-gay movement". Responses to it were negative, and people were saying that it couldn't be done. This lifestyle is not fulfilling to me, and i KNOW that it cannot be. If i could go back and make some changes with the choices that I have made in the past (losing my virginity to a man) I WOULD. But i can't, I have to live with it for the rest of my life. But I can choose to end this lifestyle and plan for my future. Because I will not have a boyfriend, marry him, and then artificially inseminate some woman to have my child.......or even worse, adopt some parentless asian child. The children i plan on having will be mine and hers (whomever she may be).
So basically that is it for today...............
I know how your mom is, and I can't imagine how the things she's said on this particular subject would have affected you while you were growing up. It sucks. Whatever your thought process now, I hope you got there by honestly reviewing your beliefs and thought processes instead of relying on what's been told to you. That is the only way you're going to be happy, is if you trust and love yourself enough to make your own decisions about your beliefs.
That's all I've got to say. Well, not really, but there's no point in me saying anything more.
It wasn't until i left my house/family/church that i got a chance to look at my life thru my own eyes. I had to find my own path, and not rely on what i was told was the right path for me, because the only one who knows what the right path is, is God, and only he can tell you. Not your mother, father or anyone else in your life. They can only give you ideas, no matter what tey say to you. In the end you have to evaluate everything and decide what is truly right for you.
Any decision i make now, i make because i truly feel that it is the RIGHT decision for me; i think and pray about everything. If i still don't quite feel at peace then i will talk to someone about it just to make sure i covered all of my bases, but that's it.
I think that you need to get away from everyone, most especially anyone who you eel has had any kind of power over you, and you need to to really be honest with yourself about how you feel. If you don't want to be gay SIMPLY because of how other people look at you, you're relying on external validation. Depending on who you ask, External Validation is the name of a demon. Whether you believe that or not, please be aware of the fact that other people cannot tell you who you are or who you should be. They did not make you. Your mother carried you and birthed you, but she did NOT create you, and thus has no right or authority to tell you who you are or what you ought to be. Neither does any other person. Only the Creator (whoever you believe him/her to be) can tell you, and the Creator is the only one you should be asking. If what other people say happen to line up with what you hear from God, then that's just confirmation, but otherwise it carries no weight.
All this being said, i feel that the biggest things that the devil uses (and i know i'm speaking in christian terms here, but it's what i've got, and i bet you can relate to them), to keep people from being everything that they can be, are fear, self hatred and external validation. Each of these things go hand in hand, because self hatred leads to the need for external validation, and fear (that you're not doing the right thing, for example) comes from the extranal validation that you may not be getting, which leads to more self hatred, because if you're not being validated, you must be doing something wrong. That becomes a vicious cycle that is a self destructive thought process, and trust me, you don't want to get locked into it. It will stifle you, and your personal growth will be stunted, no matter how much you may progress otherwise.
Think about it. Let's say that you go on to get married and have three wonderful healthy children. If that's what you truly, in your heart of hearts, want and need out of life, than that's wonderful. But if this becomes your reality and the only reason that it's so is because you didn't want to be made fun of for being gay, then that will haunt you.
I have an acquaintance who was a very prominent figure in the animation community. He was one of the first people to ever get a work visa for animation in japan, and he's one of the only people to become as successful as he did: he's written some of the more successful anime movies and OAV's from the late 80's and early 90's. He created one of the first major animation specific computer software programs which inspired so many others. He shmoozed with celebrities in american and japan, had a lovely wife, a heavy bank account, and over all, a very good life. But he partied hard. Drank heavily. Did a lot of drugs. Eventually tried to kill himself. He failed, but in failing he had a realization that he wasn't being true to himself.
After undergoing psycholgical examinations, he came to the realization that his whol life was a lie. Te doctors identified the problem: gender identity disorder. Turns out that he'd wanted to play with dolls and do feminine things as a child and his parents were so against it that they FORCED him to do "boy" things. From age 2 or 3 he'd been forced to be very "manly" and this was all suppressed. this made him into a workoholic, and success was the only thing that mattered to him because he HAD to prove his worthiness to his parents. This of course, took it's toll. After the diagnosis, and his wn coming to terms with it, he's led a very clean life, his body's the healthiest it's ever been and he's been transitioning for the last four years, and being true to himself, identifying as a woman. Currently she's saving up for the surgery, and is WAY happier. Interestingly, also, she's not attracted to men. She has a live-in girlfriend. *shrug*
Anyway, the point: it's not until you really come to grips with why you truly feel the way you feel that you can begin to make life decisions such as what you've said so far. I remember asking you before if you'd ever actually been in love with a man. You told me no. That could meanany number of things, but you'll have to examine all of that for yourself. It's your life and you live it how you want and be happy. It is my hope that you'll do so based on decisions that are truly what you want. Of course, that, for most people is the definition of a truly happy life.
Soory that was so long. Take it for what you think it's worth.