Ok I am going to write on one last major thought and then I am going
to just sit with this stuff for a bit exposition-wise, so bear with me...Oh
wait gotta go eat my oatmeal...
Yum - ok.
So one last huge thing I have given some thought to in recent days that
came together last night when I was writing to one of _the_ ex's [1] about what
I journalled yesterday. Omitting details for brevity...But my long-term lack of self
esteem has helped instill this sense of neediness in me. It's simple. For the longest
time I haven't carried with me an intrisic sense of my wonderfulness.
The only time I have usually been able to accept or believe that I am any number
of good things like sexy, attractive, nice, worthwhile was when someone became intimate
enough who I would let convey that to me. So without them, without that - what was I ?
Losing contact, losing sight of them would induce fear and a nagging sense of panic at the
probable loss of my foundations of worth. It also makes it damn hard to balance out what is
wonderful about the relationship and the other sadly. With that dynamic in place I have been warping
the things about myself that I like into tools to ensure that I could convince them to stay and
tell me all the things I should just know about myself.
Hangover metaphor aside, I have really struggled to wake up to the fact that I needed a
co-dependant relationshipfor many long years. [2] - They would never leave me no matter what but demanded that I
constantly "prove" how much I loved her. My walking from that sit. was me finally accepting the challenge
of adulthood I guess in retrospect - one that is hard hard - just to live and make my way in this world.
So anyway... that's it for now. Keep up on the truck suggestions! The 3 rubber outfit photo shoot I did
a few weeks ago are starting to get back to me. I have the contact sheets and there are some hot photos
that I will share in a week or two when I get electronic copies and prints!
*hug* Thanks everyone whom sent thoughtful and supportive thoughts!
[1] One that I can actually talk to that is...
[2] Two simultaniously for long years before one of those
began to become more healthly and balanced.
to just sit with this stuff for a bit exposition-wise, so bear with me...Oh
wait gotta go eat my oatmeal...
Yum - ok.
So one last huge thing I have given some thought to in recent days that
came together last night when I was writing to one of _the_ ex's [1] about what
I journalled yesterday. Omitting details for brevity...But my long-term lack of self
esteem has helped instill this sense of neediness in me. It's simple. For the longest
time I haven't carried with me an intrisic sense of my wonderfulness.
The only time I have usually been able to accept or believe that I am any number
of good things like sexy, attractive, nice, worthwhile was when someone became intimate
enough who I would let convey that to me. So without them, without that - what was I ?
Losing contact, losing sight of them would induce fear and a nagging sense of panic at the
probable loss of my foundations of worth. It also makes it damn hard to balance out what is
wonderful about the relationship and the other sadly. With that dynamic in place I have been warping
the things about myself that I like into tools to ensure that I could convince them to stay and
tell me all the things I should just know about myself.
Hangover metaphor aside, I have really struggled to wake up to the fact that I needed a
co-dependant relationshipfor many long years. [2] - They would never leave me no matter what but demanded that I
constantly "prove" how much I loved her. My walking from that sit. was me finally accepting the challenge
of adulthood I guess in retrospect - one that is hard hard - just to live and make my way in this world.
So anyway... that's it for now. Keep up on the truck suggestions! The 3 rubber outfit photo shoot I did
a few weeks ago are starting to get back to me. I have the contact sheets and there are some hot photos
that I will share in a week or two when I get electronic copies and prints!
*hug* Thanks everyone whom sent thoughtful and supportive thoughts!
[1] One that I can actually talk to that is...
[2] Two simultaniously for long years before one of those
began to become more healthly and balanced.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
I'm glad you like it,
your self-introspection is quite profound!
... when i have them i call them mid-life crises... i make sure to have one every year though.... after the introspection i usually purchase something for myself... it wraps the whole thing up neatly!