So i'm not doing the best again. Surprise, surprise eh. So i'm using my blog as the dumping ground for everything that's been happening. I found out this morning that i've lost 15% of my body weight in the past year and a half. Corresponds to a 6 inch reduction in my waist size. I suppose it's a good thing. But to be honest, it sort of seems hollow. I was happy for about the first five hours afterwards, but then it just sort of stopped. Normally you lose weight for a purpose. I don't have a reason for losing it though. I don't feel any better about myself, and i sure as hell didn't do it for anyone else. When i was a lot younger, i started taking an experimental steroid, that made my weight skyrocket. This was just one of the many side effects. I got this weight when i was 11, and i think i've lost most of it now. I thought i'd feel better than this though.
It's sort of anti-climactic. There's no sudden woosh of confidence or good cheer. It's just sort of there. Hanging around. So what if i lost weight? It doesn't change anything. Me being healthier won't add anything to my life. Even if i have lost a good bit of weight, that doesn't mean a whole lot to me. I don't care what i look like, because people only notice one thing, if i were to meet them in person. And it won't be the way i dress, my hair, or my weight. Maybe that's not true, i don't know. But it has been the case with everything, and everyone so far. My physical appearance has never mattered a whole lot, not in the past 8 years, so if it doesn't matter, where's the benefit in improving it? Rhetorical question of course...
Yesterday night i stumbled upon a realisation. I suppose it was an obvious one, but i hadn't really thought about it so far. I'm 21 years old. And i'm way too far behind. Behind the normal mindset, behind the normal attitude, behind the normal everything of a 21 year old. And i some ways i'm the opposite. Or at least i think i am. I've missed out on a lot. I think, mentally, i've skipped my twenties. The fun times people have between teenage stupidity and realisation of mortality. I've jumped straight from one to the other. Skipped the living that's supposed to take place. The living that almost everyone is doing now. And i can't go back. Once you realise something inside your own head, you don't forget it. You can't forget it. Once you think about death from a certain angle, there's nothing you can do to change it. It's like in math. Once you see the correct method of doing something, you can't un-see it. I think it's the same with every aspect of the brain. Once you come to a fundamental realisation of a certain magnitude, you can't un-realise it.
There are 21 year olds who are engaged. ENGAGED! How is this even possible. How can people be so comfortable with themselves at that age?! How can people be experienced enough, at that age, to even talk to women in any way remotely approaching a serious relationship? Maybe it's my naivety and immaturity talking, but i can't interact with women in that way. I couldn't even hazard a guess as to how to change a relationship in that direction. To go from idle chit chat, to flirting, to serious feelings. The furthest i've gotten, with any woman, digitally or physically, is flirting. And even that, i'm terrible at. Short of being the most adorable 21 year old in existence, and chatting to the most understanding, doting of women, i don't see how this can happen. I mean, am i that far behind my 21 year old compatriots? Is it possible my brain has missed a vital skill in the neverending struggle to claim a paltry square of happiness? Something fundamental that allows a man to intuite how to talk to a woman?
Needless to say my inexperience hasn't helped. I'm not joking when i say i have absolutely no experience in these matters. I mean it. You name it, i haven't done it. Any single chance i've had to participate in a sexual or romantic relationship has been conveniently side-stepped. The bullying in primary school pretty much cut off my introductory practical lesson into the dynamics of courtship. The change of school, physical capacity, and a string of traumatic incidents, fucked up secondary school for me. Four out of my six secondary school years are a blur of pain, immense pain, loneliness, near suicidal moments and sadness. The other two passed me by without incident. An accident at home made me miss my Debs (end of school ball).
I know people who lost their virginity at 16. 16!! How in the name of fuck does that happen?! I mean, for a lot of people, deep conversations are the hard part, but they get along with a string of meaningless sexual encounters. If you're one of those people, what would you do without the meaningless sexual encounters? What would you do if both outlets, for use of a better word, were blocked? You didn't have deep conversations, but you also didn't have the physical contact to fall back on? What would you do without anything? That's been my life so far. Maybe this might help better explain the boat i'm in. I don't think a lot of people can comprehend this type of situation.
How would your life be now, without interaction with the sex of your choosing? Male/female/whatever floats your personal boat? Where does the emotion go? The answer? Nowhere. It builds up. Into spurious blog outbursts. I won't use the word frustration, because i don't think that quite fits. Frustration implies anger, obsession, misogyny, to me anyway. It's more just exhaustion. Exhaustion at keeping everything personal. Can you even comprehend that type of loneliness? I know i'm not the worst off person in the world. I know that. But it's so hard to express. Without the outlets of sex and deep conversation, where is there to go? Friendships can only fill the void a certain amount. My dreams aren't of sex. They're of physical contact. Feeling the warmth of another person. Sharing a sofa with a girl on a cold day. Is that so much to ask? Apparently it is. For now anyway. Until i find out something of how to interact with girls/women i like. Let them know that i'm interested in them, in a different way. Not simply from a hey you like rad music point of view. That i'd like to get to know them better. Sigh...
The majority of people plow through their twenties headfirst, through a haze of sexual indiscretions and random acts of frivolity. The normal experience of a carefree youth. The necessary stories that teach people how to live, how to think about society, religion and interpersonal contact. Different people have different experiences, with different end results. Some end up on top, having had a safe time, with lots of good memories. An enjoyable time, which, as i understand, is pretty rare. Others don't fare so well. Some people don't even last until the end of their twenties. For a plethora of reasons. Some people mess their lives up irreparably. Others learn several lessons, the hard way. There's a large variety of outcomes, but they all seem necessary. Necessary to have a fulfilling life. To learn society's lessons. How to relate with people. The right way and the wrong way of dealing with people.
However, some people are mature. Some people don't need this phase. They're comfortable with who they are, and know themselves pretty well. They know want they want out of life, and they aren't afraid to pursue it. But not everyone's that lucky. Everyone has at least one gigantic moment they'll remember for the rest of their lives. A drastic change in their life. And most of the time it's a bad one. Unfortunately. But it serves as a springboard to fix their lives and allow them to get what they really want out of it. Find their self. Maybe find what they really want out of life, and, if they're extremely lucky, find it. They find that one thing to make their lives complete. A man, a woman. A career, a path in life. Happiness, sadness. The lifelong dichotomy. The two ends of the scale, with infinite paths to each. Endlessly overlapping tracks to one of two stops; Elationville or Misery Junction. But what i'm saying is this. I can't step back. I can't mentally regress to the point where i could enjoy myself, carefree and frivolous. I've been through too much darkness to live in the light. Like Gollum, i've been in the shade too long. Under the mountain, my mind twisted by the One Ring. So in short, i'm not going to have the same learning experiences as i should have, because i've gone past the chance, mentally. My thinking's gotten too dark to enjoy frivolity and spontaneity. You can't forget mortality once you see it. It's like if you're talking to someone and you realise that they say a certain word, differently. I had a teacher who mispronounced apostrophe. She pronounced it apostophe. And i still remember. Or if you see that someone giving a talk on stage has something hanging out of their nose. You can't, not see it. Once you realise it, it sticks with you. Mortality is in the same vein. You can't undo it. It's like in the Dark Tower. Alice, Rolands love interest in the town of Tull, is given the key to unlocking the mysteries of the afterlife. She doesn't want to know, but the curiosity burns at her. Tearing her mind apart. She finally caves, and whispers he number 19 in Nort's ear. Nort, who the Man in Black resurrected. Who made the trip into death, and was savagely reefed back, by Walter O'Dim. His mind containing all the knowledge of death. Programmed to divulge it all upon hearing the word Nineteen. Before the Man in Black leaves, he tells Alice this secret. Tells Alice that in order to learn the end of existence, the dark, terrifying, ultimate question, she would just need to utter the word nineteen into Nort's ear. She becomes tormented. For weeks she doesn't do anything, but the question relentlessly plagues her. What happens after death? This question rattles around her brain, over and over, driving her mad with curiosity. Alice caves. In the end she whispers nineteen to Nort, and the old, decrepid, devil-grass ruined man divulges it all. Divulges the knowledge that could drive a thousand men insane. Once she knew the trigger, she couldn't forget it. Once she was told: Just whisper 19, Ally, hee hee hee she was done for. She learned what can't be unlearned. She realised what can't be unrealised. That's my way of relating it, anyway. From what i know.
Ok. Normally that would be the end of my blog, but no. I've had a sudden, drastic change of mood. Not a good one. So i'm gonna try and voice some of it. The periodic anger, frustration, depression causes. Some of what's rearing it's ugly head again at the minute. But i'm tired of typing. I can't type any more about shit stuff. Maybe if i stew a while it'll go away
It's sort of anti-climactic. There's no sudden woosh of confidence or good cheer. It's just sort of there. Hanging around. So what if i lost weight? It doesn't change anything. Me being healthier won't add anything to my life. Even if i have lost a good bit of weight, that doesn't mean a whole lot to me. I don't care what i look like, because people only notice one thing, if i were to meet them in person. And it won't be the way i dress, my hair, or my weight. Maybe that's not true, i don't know. But it has been the case with everything, and everyone so far. My physical appearance has never mattered a whole lot, not in the past 8 years, so if it doesn't matter, where's the benefit in improving it? Rhetorical question of course...
Yesterday night i stumbled upon a realisation. I suppose it was an obvious one, but i hadn't really thought about it so far. I'm 21 years old. And i'm way too far behind. Behind the normal mindset, behind the normal attitude, behind the normal everything of a 21 year old. And i some ways i'm the opposite. Or at least i think i am. I've missed out on a lot. I think, mentally, i've skipped my twenties. The fun times people have between teenage stupidity and realisation of mortality. I've jumped straight from one to the other. Skipped the living that's supposed to take place. The living that almost everyone is doing now. And i can't go back. Once you realise something inside your own head, you don't forget it. You can't forget it. Once you think about death from a certain angle, there's nothing you can do to change it. It's like in math. Once you see the correct method of doing something, you can't un-see it. I think it's the same with every aspect of the brain. Once you come to a fundamental realisation of a certain magnitude, you can't un-realise it.
There are 21 year olds who are engaged. ENGAGED! How is this even possible. How can people be so comfortable with themselves at that age?! How can people be experienced enough, at that age, to even talk to women in any way remotely approaching a serious relationship? Maybe it's my naivety and immaturity talking, but i can't interact with women in that way. I couldn't even hazard a guess as to how to change a relationship in that direction. To go from idle chit chat, to flirting, to serious feelings. The furthest i've gotten, with any woman, digitally or physically, is flirting. And even that, i'm terrible at. Short of being the most adorable 21 year old in existence, and chatting to the most understanding, doting of women, i don't see how this can happen. I mean, am i that far behind my 21 year old compatriots? Is it possible my brain has missed a vital skill in the neverending struggle to claim a paltry square of happiness? Something fundamental that allows a man to intuite how to talk to a woman?
Needless to say my inexperience hasn't helped. I'm not joking when i say i have absolutely no experience in these matters. I mean it. You name it, i haven't done it. Any single chance i've had to participate in a sexual or romantic relationship has been conveniently side-stepped. The bullying in primary school pretty much cut off my introductory practical lesson into the dynamics of courtship. The change of school, physical capacity, and a string of traumatic incidents, fucked up secondary school for me. Four out of my six secondary school years are a blur of pain, immense pain, loneliness, near suicidal moments and sadness. The other two passed me by without incident. An accident at home made me miss my Debs (end of school ball).
I know people who lost their virginity at 16. 16!! How in the name of fuck does that happen?! I mean, for a lot of people, deep conversations are the hard part, but they get along with a string of meaningless sexual encounters. If you're one of those people, what would you do without the meaningless sexual encounters? What would you do if both outlets, for use of a better word, were blocked? You didn't have deep conversations, but you also didn't have the physical contact to fall back on? What would you do without anything? That's been my life so far. Maybe this might help better explain the boat i'm in. I don't think a lot of people can comprehend this type of situation.
How would your life be now, without interaction with the sex of your choosing? Male/female/whatever floats your personal boat? Where does the emotion go? The answer? Nowhere. It builds up. Into spurious blog outbursts. I won't use the word frustration, because i don't think that quite fits. Frustration implies anger, obsession, misogyny, to me anyway. It's more just exhaustion. Exhaustion at keeping everything personal. Can you even comprehend that type of loneliness? I know i'm not the worst off person in the world. I know that. But it's so hard to express. Without the outlets of sex and deep conversation, where is there to go? Friendships can only fill the void a certain amount. My dreams aren't of sex. They're of physical contact. Feeling the warmth of another person. Sharing a sofa with a girl on a cold day. Is that so much to ask? Apparently it is. For now anyway. Until i find out something of how to interact with girls/women i like. Let them know that i'm interested in them, in a different way. Not simply from a hey you like rad music point of view. That i'd like to get to know them better. Sigh...
The majority of people plow through their twenties headfirst, through a haze of sexual indiscretions and random acts of frivolity. The normal experience of a carefree youth. The necessary stories that teach people how to live, how to think about society, religion and interpersonal contact. Different people have different experiences, with different end results. Some end up on top, having had a safe time, with lots of good memories. An enjoyable time, which, as i understand, is pretty rare. Others don't fare so well. Some people don't even last until the end of their twenties. For a plethora of reasons. Some people mess their lives up irreparably. Others learn several lessons, the hard way. There's a large variety of outcomes, but they all seem necessary. Necessary to have a fulfilling life. To learn society's lessons. How to relate with people. The right way and the wrong way of dealing with people.
However, some people are mature. Some people don't need this phase. They're comfortable with who they are, and know themselves pretty well. They know want they want out of life, and they aren't afraid to pursue it. But not everyone's that lucky. Everyone has at least one gigantic moment they'll remember for the rest of their lives. A drastic change in their life. And most of the time it's a bad one. Unfortunately. But it serves as a springboard to fix their lives and allow them to get what they really want out of it. Find their self. Maybe find what they really want out of life, and, if they're extremely lucky, find it. They find that one thing to make their lives complete. A man, a woman. A career, a path in life. Happiness, sadness. The lifelong dichotomy. The two ends of the scale, with infinite paths to each. Endlessly overlapping tracks to one of two stops; Elationville or Misery Junction. But what i'm saying is this. I can't step back. I can't mentally regress to the point where i could enjoy myself, carefree and frivolous. I've been through too much darkness to live in the light. Like Gollum, i've been in the shade too long. Under the mountain, my mind twisted by the One Ring. So in short, i'm not going to have the same learning experiences as i should have, because i've gone past the chance, mentally. My thinking's gotten too dark to enjoy frivolity and spontaneity. You can't forget mortality once you see it. It's like if you're talking to someone and you realise that they say a certain word, differently. I had a teacher who mispronounced apostrophe. She pronounced it apostophe. And i still remember. Or if you see that someone giving a talk on stage has something hanging out of their nose. You can't, not see it. Once you realise it, it sticks with you. Mortality is in the same vein. You can't undo it. It's like in the Dark Tower. Alice, Rolands love interest in the town of Tull, is given the key to unlocking the mysteries of the afterlife. She doesn't want to know, but the curiosity burns at her. Tearing her mind apart. She finally caves, and whispers he number 19 in Nort's ear. Nort, who the Man in Black resurrected. Who made the trip into death, and was savagely reefed back, by Walter O'Dim. His mind containing all the knowledge of death. Programmed to divulge it all upon hearing the word Nineteen. Before the Man in Black leaves, he tells Alice this secret. Tells Alice that in order to learn the end of existence, the dark, terrifying, ultimate question, she would just need to utter the word nineteen into Nort's ear. She becomes tormented. For weeks she doesn't do anything, but the question relentlessly plagues her. What happens after death? This question rattles around her brain, over and over, driving her mad with curiosity. Alice caves. In the end she whispers nineteen to Nort, and the old, decrepid, devil-grass ruined man divulges it all. Divulges the knowledge that could drive a thousand men insane. Once she knew the trigger, she couldn't forget it. Once she was told: Just whisper 19, Ally, hee hee hee she was done for. She learned what can't be unlearned. She realised what can't be unrealised. That's my way of relating it, anyway. From what i know.
Ok. Normally that would be the end of my blog, but no. I've had a sudden, drastic change of mood. Not a good one. So i'm gonna try and voice some of it. The periodic anger, frustration, depression causes. Some of what's rearing it's ugly head again at the minute. But i'm tired of typing. I can't type any more about shit stuff. Maybe if i stew a while it'll go away
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
i know what you mean about people "utterly enjoying their carfree 20's!", im jealous of these people. closest i got was in college (cos i discovered drink) but even then i took on as much responsibilty as possible so my wee head would cave in. you shouldnt worry so much about not living your life how other people seem to live theres (maybe you dont, that just the impression i get), but insead live it how you want to live it. so far you seem to be making pretty good steps to this. even if you dont know what it is exactly that you want, knowing what you dont want is also a big help.
as for close personal relationships, i cant tell you anything, i fell head first into one when i least expected, or wanted, to. from what i hear that's not unusual.