it's the kind of depression that comes on slow and mean. it took a whole month to grow. its roots spreading out of my mind and into my heart, lungs, and back. slowly choking me.
lying below all the external crap in my life of being ignored, alone, and completely unable to live life the way i see fit by having to come into work at 8 am, i'm completely a void and empty inside.
no more fun.
i can't find enjoyment in anything i'm doing anymore. what's the point when i'm just this void of a human being running around accomplishing nothing? why even exist?
i can't stand it anymore. when bjork screams, that the scream of me trapped inside this miserable shell. nothing here. nothing over there. nothing anywhere.
to think for all these years i felt like i was something deep and profound. i would always say, "i'm like no other people. i'm unique. i'm so amazingly different." how true i really was. i am like no-one else because i'm completely devoid of anything that makes me a person. nothing more than a sack of flesh and bones all alone in the world. in pain. sick. worthless. why did i think myself so proud to judge them? they all left me because i'm just a void. just drowning them down with me in this great profound nothing, in the name of "love." i make myself sick.
lying below all the external crap in my life of being ignored, alone, and completely unable to live life the way i see fit by having to come into work at 8 am, i'm completely a void and empty inside.
no more fun.
i can't find enjoyment in anything i'm doing anymore. what's the point when i'm just this void of a human being running around accomplishing nothing? why even exist?
i can't stand it anymore. when bjork screams, that the scream of me trapped inside this miserable shell. nothing here. nothing over there. nothing anywhere.
to think for all these years i felt like i was something deep and profound. i would always say, "i'm like no other people. i'm unique. i'm so amazingly different." how true i really was. i am like no-one else because i'm completely devoid of anything that makes me a person. nothing more than a sack of flesh and bones all alone in the world. in pain. sick. worthless. why did i think myself so proud to judge them? they all left me because i'm just a void. just drowning them down with me in this great profound nothing, in the name of "love." i make myself sick.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
There's so much I want to say to all of this, but I feel as if every answer I could give wouldnt be enough. No one can take away this pain. I suppose the only wisdom I have is--if it hurts, change it. Find a new job, move away, take a vacation, do something radical, make a shift. Only the living feel pain, a void is only numbness, emptiness, and pain is the body's way of saying something is terribly, terribly broken and needs reshaped. Even emotional pain. And though you might not see the broken glass strewn on your path, though you might think the pain you feel is your fault because you cant see it even when you step on it, thats not the case. Dont blame yourself for the sins of the world.
Entropy wears away everything eventually. Even pain. Even regret. Even sorrow. Sometimes your worst enemy can also be your best friend.
This probably hasnt helped, and I dont know how to explain, but I sincerely hope you find your way from the darkness and into light again. Take care.
You're right, of course, and I suppose we've all been there, but its a truth that sucks ass nonetheless. "Sometimes the only way out is through" might have great wisdom, but anyone (or rather, most people I know) cringe when they see others having to deal with that truth, remembering it in all too clear detail when they were the ones learning. You have my empathy.
"entropy just is. just like the robots just are what they are. it and they cannot be destroyed. they just have to be accepted. i'm trying to learn acceptance."
I was never good at acceptance. I come at everything like I was swinging a sword--a trait which has gotten me through hell several times over and led me glorious places in life, but also lost me many of my most precious things. It cuts both ways.
I know its not the exact definition, but whenever I think of entropy, I think of Loki. There is a poem some people attribute as a perfect description of him. "When the water is stagnant / I break the dam / In love, I do break it." And every time I read or hear of entropy, that inevitably springs to mind.
Entropy only speaks of things as they fall to pieces, only focuses on anarchy and the blood dimmed tides. However, that too must end, entropy will have its way with even anarchy, once anarchy becomes the norm, and things will change again. I suppose it is what it is, but I havent the capability of seeing it as anything but one stepping stone on a very long path.
"i'm certainly trying, in spite of what i may say or do."
Is good. Every now and again through the hordes and hordes of people I speak to every day there will be one that catches my attention, like a diamond among coal. They are truly individuals, and there's so little of that left anymore, I really sit up and take notice when I meet one. Dont let your light go out, some of us rather like it.
Or...something like that.
Night.