whitewes88

plain and simple, i've have hepetites c. i got it from some friends. i have lived life as fast and hard as i could and it caught up with me. that's the second life altering/threatening disease that i've picked up while in the military.
i didn't think that it would bother me that much but i geuss it does. when i came back from getting my results i saw a buddy who gestured "thumbs up or thumbs down?" i showed the thumbs down of course, i then heard him running behind me and he grabbed my should turned me around a gave me a fucking hug. i almost cried.
i've had some drinks to mellow out and called some friends from back home, i tried to call my ma but she's already at work so i talked to my kid sister. she makes me so proud but i had to let her go because all i could think about was the fact that her older brother is nothing better than a junkie.
mr and mrs smith can go to a shrink and get pills to help them with what goes on inside their head, but because i have to self medicate because those pills don't work for me i'm a junkie. i can't lie some times i wasn't self medicating i was just trying to get fucked up but since i got back from iraq and friends wouldn't talk to me and what not i didn't see a problem with it. ha that's karma for you.

THAT'S WHAT JUNKIES DESERVE I GEUSS

now i have to call a girl that i really like and tell her to go get checked,wow i feel like a piece of shit.
people have already made the comments about one night stands and what not, but it doesn't both me haveing to tell someone. i see all of these guys in the barracks going out constantly trying to get laid and i dont' like it. yeah it is nice to feel close to someone, wanted, but i've decided along time ago that i will die alone., and those brief encounters are only ilussions, lust not love, if it really exists, but if it does exist do i deserve it? of course i feel the urge, the want to be close to someone to feel wanted and accepted but i get angry at myself for those feelings. i see it as weakness. i don't need someone to feel good about myself. now having to tell someone that i'm infectious is only going to drive them further away. not the best pick up line. now it's official, I WILL DIE ALONE. honestly would you knowingly enter a relationship with someone who has a diseas, you may say yes but deep down inside , would you?

i know that i only have 3 friends on here and i think only one of them reads my blog form time to time( thanks T) so if you actually read this i'm sorry that i'm bitching and moaning i just really had to get this out, it's night's like this that i yearn for someone close, hopefully tomarrow i'm stronger.
laters