whiteiris

Having a moment. And not a good one.

Why must there always be a battle that I have to face. The three most significant relationships in my life there was always this opposing force that I was up against and each time I was never enough.

Mike: He went back to Monica
Clint - HIs was alcohol
Cameron: Solitude

Two of these guys thus far have realized how much they fucked up in letting me go and have said so. I know the third one will as well. I just never did understand that how I could never be enough for them to want to be better or good enough for me. I am not getting down on myself - wait - I am a little but that concept is a little beyond me. That was Cameron's excuse - he was a shitty boyfriend and I deserve better - well - why don't you want to be better - oh wait - too much fucking work. And you are a lazy bitch.

So that makes me sad. People who sink below their potential and don't aspire to become a better person - when they have happiness handed to them with a little umbrella and a free shot of Cuervo.

If it were not for my school obligations - I would pack up my shit and leave. I am so sick of this place and all the damn memories that it holds. I feel like I am falling apart at the seams. Every time I turn a corner I am reminded of shit that has happened to me. My grandma is no longer here. My asshole of an ex husband is here. The guy who threw me away is here. The school systems suck ass and the people are retarded. There is nothing for me here anymore.

I hate being such a baby. I had a bad night at work too. I had 770 in sales and walked with 65. I had to claim 89. Stupid people. I think it was work that just did me in.

I am going to call my doc and make an appointment. I get so worked up lately that I can't concentrate. I stay depressed and I can't sleep or eat. I have a broken heart and I need something to fix it or at least give me some time to fix it. I just want to sit in a corner like the little bitch that I am and cry. Everything is closing in on me and the break up is just the last straw. I feel like I have been on the verge of losing it for a while and this just did it.

I want my grandma to scratch my back and hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. Sometimes I get tired of having to be the strong one. People constantly throw shit my way thinking I can handle it because I usually do. And no one ever really sees the break downs.

Sometimes I just want to quit. I want to pack up and move where no one knows me. Where I can just disappear for a while. But responsiblities keep me here.

I am just tired. So very tired. I am crying for everything that I have ever lost that meant something.

I am not doing so well - if you can't tell. I just want it all to stop.

i think I need a roommate or something. I need something.

WAIT: on a good note. I had a fabulous lunch with a really funny guy who invited the boys along and loved it. They seem to like him. It was great fun. He is planning Star Wars night with them next Wednesday. They are so excited.

AND: My mom bought me tulips. I love tulips. And orchids. That made me happy.

Those were some good things that happened today. I think my hormones are kicking in again. Who knows.

I think I am going to get my new tattoo in the next month or so.