whiteiris

Well i have just had my heart ripped out and served on a rusty platter. It is really and truly over. I even threw his house key out the window. I am not going in to what he said but basically we are not even going to be friends. So - cut and dry - we are done. We might see each other in passing. But no more than that. I think about the things that were just us and know we will never do those again. I suppose this is the best way though. A final break. I have no delusions of us ever getting back together.

I can do better. There will be someone who will make me feel all the things he did but give back. They will love my kids. I do deserve better but was blind to that fact. He is so insecure and small in his world. He is on a power trip since he got the bar and I don't like who he is. He doesn't like who I am either. Lately I have been weepy and depressed. Well no more. I am going to pretend as if this whole relationship did not exist. I did it with my marriage and I can do it with this.

I have so much more going for me. The one thing I can take away from this is now I know what makes me happy and what i want from another person. I am going to be sad for a while but over the past week - hell the past few months - I have gotten used to not seeing him. Just all the things we planned will get to me.

Anybody wanna take a road trip with me for my birthday? May 24 - I would go to Dallas with him each year but not this year. I did tell him that I hope he thought that it was all worth it. That the bar, being friends with Lindsey - that it was all worth it. I know that once he sits down and realizes what has happened he will regret it. They always do. But I will occupy myself with school, work and kids.

This shit hurts but I guess I am used to it so it's not so much anymore. Hurts that he is so fucking self obsessed that he doesn't see what he is throwing away. I don't deserve that anyway. I do deserve better. I did believe that he was enough. But he isn't. He is just a scared little boy trying to be grown up. Okay - I am mad and hurt and sinking down to name calling. Hey sometimes it helps. Also, I have had these thoughts about him for a while and never voiced them. I have pictured our future together and even I have to admit that it wasn't exactly rosy.

I want someone who is secure in who they are and buy my fucking dinner. Be a damn gentleman. He rarely paid for anything. I am not so big on money and I am not that old fashioned but I don't want to have to feel as if i am taking care of him. I like to be taken care of also. I want someone who supports me in what I do and don't obsess over everything to do with their life only. When you are with someone else you share your life with them. He never really did that. I was always this extension.

And dammit - I want someone to touch me. I want to feel attractive to the person I am with. My body is not perfect and I cannot judge you for your imperfections. That was a big thing - we never had enough sex. We would go 3 weeks or longer sometimes - because he said he felt fat and did not like his body. Well damn, sometimes I didn't like mine either but that is when they other person should hold you and say lots of sappy stuff.

Self destruction is imminent. I am okay with this. I need to do this. He had had my mind and heart fucked up for so long I need to break away from that. You know - no matter what he does with his llife he will always feel small. I know this. I am sure we will see each other in the future and I will remember fondly what we shared (good times anyway) but feel pity. I feel sorry for him already. I know what I am going to do with my life. He still doesn't know. I bet he will still be at the bar in 5 years. He doesn't know how to do anything else. I am sure he will make good money but that still won't make him good enough for me. I know how that sounds but cut me some slack - I am rationalizing here.

I gave him so much of myself and he toyed with it. It was like a game to him. I am going to tell Lindsey if she wants him she can have him. Even if he did realize how much he just fucked up- by the time he did realize - I won't want him anymore. I don't know who he is anymore anyway. God I sound like a petulant child. Hazard I suppose from being destroyed.

I want some me time. I don't want to have to deal with someone else's shit right now. Maybe not for a while. You know how you have that one relationship that meant so much but ended and fucked you up? You still to this day think about it and realize how much it changed you? Well, that was this one for me. I found true happiness and now I will not settle for anything less. As much shit as we went through we were truly happy once. I have never felt so complete with anyone else before. When we first met I was complete in myself. I think that is why we were happy. When we got back together I wasn't whole because I gave of myself and was torn apart.

So I need to get me back. I am not good for anyone until then. I do hate him right now. I will for a while. He is just another stupid boy. I can do better. He will do worse. I know this for a fact. he has done it before.

I need to get out of town. Spring break is coming up and I need to go somewhere. I don't want to go alone but don't know who to take with me. I want to do something I have never done before. i want to go somewhere and have a new experience without him. Have a new start.

If I can hold on to this anger for a while then I think i will be fine. It worked last time. I just need to keep busy. Reading will help. Submerse myself into another world and life.

So - there you have it. My life today. We are not even going to be friends. We can't. I am not even going to go to the bar if he is working. I will go see Grimace cause I like him and mostly everyone else up there but even then not for a while. He does not run my life so I can come and go as i please. I can pretend he does not even exist. Or at least someone I don't know. Because I don't know him anymore. I don't even know if the grand opening will be enough time to deal with all this. We will see.

I FUCKING HATE HIM. For someone so smart he is so fucking stupid. Well, no one will ever pluck his eyebrows as well as I did. No one will ever be able to fill my shoes. Once he slows down long enough he will see that. By then it will be too late.

I can do better. He has known it for a while and I am coming to see that too. I am deleting his number from my phone so I don't accidentally call him. I don't have his key anymore so i can't go by anymore. We don't have any stuff of the others. So - we are done. I will be happy again. I hurt now but I will get over it.

Okay I am getting repetitive. I will update and comment and such later. I need to go deCameron my house.

SO FUCK YOU AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON.

I did have something funny happen at work last night. One of the kitchen guys was throwing something at someone else and hit me instead. I went back there and he said hey - I am sorry I hurt you so here is some cheese - and he handed me a bag of shredded cheese. I like that. I am sorry I hurt you so here is some cheese.

I will depart on that note.