I need a serious reality check. I don't really even know what's going on around me. I feel like the only thing I'm good at is waiting tables....but that won't get me anywhere. I'm not going to give up, not going to quit....but it seems so tempting to just throw in the towel. (And by that I mean drop out of school).
I'm in a serious situation with this school crap. I hate it so much, and it seems as though I lack the drive to pass. It's so wierd...when it comes to work, I have to be the best, the hardest worker, but school? Eh... I'd rather lay in bed and watch tv than lift a finger and study.
I'm dissapointed in myself, and I'm pretty sure I'm putting my poor mom through hell talking about going to beauty school or staying a waitress forever. I need a slap in the face and a shout in the ear, something to make me snap out of this rut I'm in. It's so frustrating....it seems like I'm trying so hard, I'm exhausted from trying, but when I think about it, I'm doing nothing.
Maybe it's related to my depression? That's what the doctors seems to think, but I hate to pin everything on that, it seems like a cop-out. I should be strong enough to kick myself in the ass. But I'm soooo tired. I feel like there is something buried deep inside of me that is making this happen, and if I search inside myself hard enough I'll find it and be cured, but I'm sick of doing that. There has to be a reason, its just impossible to find.
The old I-hate-myself- brand of self esteem is coming back too....I want to modify myself in some way to make myself prettier. Last night, during a bout of insomnia I actually thought, "it wouldn't be so hard to give myself a nose job, would it?" Craziness.
I NEED THE ANSWER DAMNIT OR ILL GO NUTZZZ
ok enough of that self loathing bullshit
heres some positivities.
-I am gonna kick ass tonight at work.
-I will, somehow, figure out whats wrong with me.
-Everything will work out. Hopefully soon.
I'm in a serious situation with this school crap. I hate it so much, and it seems as though I lack the drive to pass. It's so wierd...when it comes to work, I have to be the best, the hardest worker, but school? Eh... I'd rather lay in bed and watch tv than lift a finger and study.
I'm dissapointed in myself, and I'm pretty sure I'm putting my poor mom through hell talking about going to beauty school or staying a waitress forever. I need a slap in the face and a shout in the ear, something to make me snap out of this rut I'm in. It's so frustrating....it seems like I'm trying so hard, I'm exhausted from trying, but when I think about it, I'm doing nothing.
Maybe it's related to my depression? That's what the doctors seems to think, but I hate to pin everything on that, it seems like a cop-out. I should be strong enough to kick myself in the ass. But I'm soooo tired. I feel like there is something buried deep inside of me that is making this happen, and if I search inside myself hard enough I'll find it and be cured, but I'm sick of doing that. There has to be a reason, its just impossible to find.
The old I-hate-myself- brand of self esteem is coming back too....I want to modify myself in some way to make myself prettier. Last night, during a bout of insomnia I actually thought, "it wouldn't be so hard to give myself a nose job, would it?" Craziness.
I NEED THE ANSWER DAMNIT OR ILL GO NUTZZZ
ok enough of that self loathing bullshit
heres some positivities.
-I am gonna kick ass tonight at work.
-I will, somehow, figure out whats wrong with me.
-Everything will work out. Hopefully soon.