welntaod

Ya know, in all of the hubub of DSL router problems, falling face first and living to tell the tale, I completely forgot about Poetry Day! *gasp* So, rather than rooting through to find a poem of mine that I care for, I figured I'd post someone else's...

Twenty Songs for My Unborn Fifth Child

I want to teach you how to leap over a fast moving car.
I want to teach you how to get stuck in a window twenty floors up, half in, half out.
I want to teach you how to write my name in chalk on the sidewalk in front of your house.
I want to teach you how to smack my face when I'm bad.

OH THERE'S SO MUCH TO TEACH YOU!

I want to teach you how to drink a lot of coffee and not freak out.
I want to teach you how to go to Coney Island all by yourself.
I want to teach you how to dump oatmeal on you Grandma's bed.
I want to teach you how to load a gun with your teeth.

DO NOT PANIC!

I want to teach you how to get your penis caught in a vacuum cleaner hose.
Can you turn on a faucet with your ass?
Well today I'm going to show you how.
I want to teach you all about horror and jubilation.
I want to teach you all about panic.

BUT PLEASE, DON'T PANIC YET!

I want to teach you how to tongue kiss a priest through the confessional screen.
I want to teach you how to joyously slap someone on the back until their nose begins to bleed.
I want to teach you that a paper towel cylinder is not a sex tool even if it's full of vaseline.
I want to teach you that a jack ass shall not have a better car than someone who is really popular.

LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TEACHING YOU!

I want to teach you all about wonderful holiday rituals.
I want to teach you how to maintain a look of total surprise as you vomit on your step-mother's lap.
I want to teach you how to stick a dead fish in the ventilation system of your place of employment.
I want to teach you how to bob for fruit in a bicket of honey.

GET READY TO LEARN!

-Todd Colby.