his depression and negativity is contagious. it consumes me, eats me up. i can't fight it. he won't let me. it's killing me, it's killing him, it's killing us. i can't take what i did away, but i can't make him forget. he won't stop thinking about it. it overwhelms him. such pain, such sorrow, such madness. i don't know what to do. he can't...
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VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
here's to great weekends. chris and i went to the beach with my mom and my sister, and it was great. all of the shit that we've been dealing with seemed to be forgotten. chris unsuccessfully tried to get my mom drunk, my mom told chris to take out his "nipple doo-dads", and chris and i did a lot of snuggling. it was great. the...
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VIEW 14 of 14 COMMENTS
tiamat:
oh good. i like happy journal entries about you and chris! the fact that he is cutting back on weed shows how much he cares. 
1. maybe..
2.chicken! or beef! or shrimp (especially since that scene in a little mermaid)
3. sunday. i love sunday mornings.
glad you are back.
1. maybe..
2.chicken! or beef! or shrimp (especially since that scene in a little mermaid)
3. sunday. i love sunday mornings.
glad you are back.
eris23:
so glad the stormy clouds are blowing away. best wishes for you both!
1. married
2. organ meats and other animal spare parts (pickled chicken feet? ewwww! but i have enjoyed fish-heads in the past so...) a.k.a. Cuisine of Desperation
3. friday, cause aphrodite's mighty nice, for that sensation of sweet, sweet release, plus all the stores are open till 9pm, instead of stupid 6pm
in other news, i am SO leaving SG, and guarantee my absence till 2005. no, really, i'm leaving...really... sometime soon, or whatever.
1. married
2. organ meats and other animal spare parts (pickled chicken feet? ewwww! but i have enjoyed fish-heads in the past so...) a.k.a. Cuisine of Desperation
3. friday, cause aphrodite's mighty nice, for that sensation of sweet, sweet release, plus all the stores are open till 9pm, instead of stupid 6pm
in other news, i am SO leaving SG, and guarantee my absence till 2005. no, really, i'm leaving...really... sometime soon, or whatever.
you know, i've been gone for so long. not just from the site, but from everything. i haven't really cared about much besides chris and i lately. we're still on a roller coaster, but things are going a lot better. it's like i'm focusing all of this energy on chris and i and making everything better and patching up holes that i don't have time...
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anarchist:
1. Red.
2. The changing colours. But also that I can start wearing my wool pants and coats again.
3. Just woke up, but I'll tell you later.
Reading Dhalgren by Samuel R. Delany
Song of the Day : The Snow White Diner by the Handsome Family.
2. The changing colours. But also that I can start wearing my wool pants and coats again.
3. Just woke up, but I'll tell you later.
Reading Dhalgren by Samuel R. Delany
Song of the Day : The Snow White Diner by the Handsome Family.
lil_billy_ben:
The best part of my day today involved giving Mavine dreadlocks
/\
[Edited on Sep 22, 2003]
/
\[Edited on Sep 22, 2003]
things are still touch and go with chris and i. a few days ago he was going to break up with me, but we talked about it and cried about it and worked things out. we have our good moments and we have our bad, but i have faith in us still and i think that we are doing a lot better. he's still very...
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i've been away for oh so long, but now i am back. i'm sorry everyone, i had lots of shit going on and lots of fixing hearts to do and lots of moving to do.
i made a really bad mistake about a week and a half ago. i hung out with john, my ex, and when i was saying goodnight to him i kissed...
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i made a really bad mistake about a week and a half ago. i hung out with john, my ex, and when i was saying goodnight to him i kissed...
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VIEW 14 of 14 COMMENTS
nordicskin:
Aww sweety, i'm sorry to hear About you and Cris. I pulled a bone head move too and kinda ruined things with me and Buster. we're still friends, but the other is over!!! at least you only kissed the guy. just keep reasuring cris and he'll be ok! give him lots of sex too!
tiamat:
yeah the piercings hurt 
i am still keeping the faith for your and chris. if you can't make it i don't think anyone could.
what do i eat when in love? everything. i put on so much weight when i am in girlfriend land. hence my ever growing belly.
kisses for you sweetie
i am still keeping the faith for your and chris. if you can't make it i don't think anyone could.
what do i eat when in love? everything. i put on so much weight when i am in girlfriend land. hence my ever growing belly.
kisses for you sweetie
sometimes i really wish that i could have selective control over my emotions. you know, enjoying the ones you want to and shutting off the ones you wish you weren't feeling because it makes everything so much more confusing than life already is.
chris and i have continued our long talks and worked everything out and i've explained to him how i feel and everything...
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chris and i have continued our long talks and worked everything out and i've explained to him how i feel and everything...
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VIEW 10 of 10 COMMENTS
blueeyedangel:
Hey there,
I read your original entry about feelings for old bf emerging but I didnt have time to respond then. I had many thoughts and advice that I wanted to share but most of them were about how not to freak out too much and that things will work out no matter who you end up with.
The thought I have for you today is hard to put into words... it was inspired by a scifi book set in Isaac Asimov's galactic empire it wasnt written by Asimov himself called "Pyschoihistorical Crisis" . In it the all humans in the galaxy uses machines or computer like devices to enhance their intelligence memory etc and when they take them off they lose alot of their memories and they become more animal like or primal easily distracted and overwhelmed with color, sense of touch but you made me think about it because without the device they cant control their emotional reactions because the device cant regulate input and dampen emotional responses etc.
Anyways In the book they try to explain a theory about stasis and why things go out of whack and how it spreads so quickly and they relate it to human learning and how there is an edge or boundary in our psyche between what we know and feel comfortable with, and what we dont know and fear.
That interpaly between these two regions is how we learn. Gradually we expand our region of known until what was scary becomes explained and no longer generates fear.
Sometimes the boundary leaps dramatically and seems to explode for no appearent reason but when looked at closely it seems to work sort of like an a earthquake. A fault line system can takes centruies to develop an earthquake slowly but the results are a dramatic, even catostrophic. But when the previously stable and static system has its boundary or faults move then it releases the energy contained and whammo world truns upside down.
So my theory is your feelings of being upside down etc is a result of how much energy you have invested in your relationship and how important it is to you and seeing your old flame is the straw that broke the camels back so to speak that tipped your balance point and released any built up tensions in your relationship that were already developing.
For instance your reservations about Chris's pot use isnt new. But when the balance tipped it seems like it might have been more a problem for you than you were willing to admit before. That seeing your old bf and him telling you about his feelings you were confronted with a real or imagined choice between a chronic pot smoker and (I am assuming) one who isnt.
Seems you have determined that returning to your old flame isnt what you want or need, right now anyways, although feelings for him remain.
My convoluted advice summed up would be "Do whatever makes you happy"
Who would want you to stay with together with them even if because of it you were unhappy? and if Chris loves you in the way I think he does he would probably say the same thing after thinking about it and getting past any hurt feelings. "to just do what you must to be happy no matter what."
Of course the trouble is finding out what it takes to be happy. That is where the school distance thing may actually help to sort these feelings and intergrate them into your new world view.
I read your original entry about feelings for old bf emerging but I didnt have time to respond then. I had many thoughts and advice that I wanted to share but most of them were about how not to freak out too much and that things will work out no matter who you end up with.
The thought I have for you today is hard to put into words... it was inspired by a scifi book set in Isaac Asimov's galactic empire it wasnt written by Asimov himself called "Pyschoihistorical Crisis" . In it the all humans in the galaxy uses machines or computer like devices to enhance their intelligence memory etc and when they take them off they lose alot of their memories and they become more animal like or primal easily distracted and overwhelmed with color, sense of touch but you made me think about it because without the device they cant control their emotional reactions because the device cant regulate input and dampen emotional responses etc.
Anyways In the book they try to explain a theory about stasis and why things go out of whack and how it spreads so quickly and they relate it to human learning and how there is an edge or boundary in our psyche between what we know and feel comfortable with, and what we dont know and fear.
That interpaly between these two regions is how we learn. Gradually we expand our region of known until what was scary becomes explained and no longer generates fear.
Sometimes the boundary leaps dramatically and seems to explode for no appearent reason but when looked at closely it seems to work sort of like an a earthquake. A fault line system can takes centruies to develop an earthquake slowly but the results are a dramatic, even catostrophic. But when the previously stable and static system has its boundary or faults move then it releases the energy contained and whammo world truns upside down.
So my theory is your feelings of being upside down etc is a result of how much energy you have invested in your relationship and how important it is to you and seeing your old flame is the straw that broke the camels back so to speak that tipped your balance point and released any built up tensions in your relationship that were already developing.
For instance your reservations about Chris's pot use isnt new. But when the balance tipped it seems like it might have been more a problem for you than you were willing to admit before. That seeing your old bf and him telling you about his feelings you were confronted with a real or imagined choice between a chronic pot smoker and (I am assuming) one who isnt.
Seems you have determined that returning to your old flame isnt what you want or need, right now anyways, although feelings for him remain.
My convoluted advice summed up would be "Do whatever makes you happy"
Who would want you to stay with together with them even if because of it you were unhappy? and if Chris loves you in the way I think he does he would probably say the same thing after thinking about it and getting past any hurt feelings. "to just do what you must to be happy no matter what."
Of course the trouble is finding out what it takes to be happy. That is where the school distance thing may actually help to sort these feelings and intergrate them into your new world view.
tiamat:
i am going to be in the same predicament as you and chris soon. let's cuddle
i
the new picture!
let's cuddle
i
the new picture!for the last few days i've felt like i've been sitting in a daze watching myself fuck up my life and not being able to do anything about it. it's like my head is spinning non-stop and i'm going insane. since last night i feel a lot better about things though.
first of all, thank you guys so much for all the great advice. you...
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first of all, thank you guys so much for all the great advice. you...
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VIEW 11 of 11 COMMENTS
ingrid:
Sweetie, I've been missing you oh so much.
Now I can read the journals again.
I'm glad things are starting to look up for you...
It's so good that you managed to really talk about it...
Have you been swimming yet?
I will surely invite you to the next pancake party I am holding in the rivershore, under the red-and-yellow trees.
I can't draw well, either, it's just for fun. But I'd love to draw you one day.
I love me some smelly Shelley.xoxoxoxo
Now I can read the journals again.
I'm glad things are starting to look up for you...
It's so good that you managed to really talk about it...
Have you been swimming yet?
I will surely invite you to the next pancake party I am holding in the rivershore, under the red-and-yellow trees.
I can't draw well, either, it's just for fun. But I'd love to draw you one day.
I love me some smelly Shelley.
xoxoxoxo
lil_billy_ben:
Hang in there through the tough times and the good times will seem all the sweeter.
stop looking at me with those eyes of yours. they melt my heart every time. you don't know what you're doing to me. i thought all this was over. but i guess it's not. i'm so fucking retardingly confused and stupid and acting like a silly girl. someone please slap some sense into me. what the hell is going on here? i'm really fucking things...
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VIEW 22 of 22 COMMENTS
foucault:
hey ...
thanks for the "happy birthday." Sad that I haven't looked at my profile since July 17. Anyway, I don't know you, but it was awfully nice of you to come by to see me
As for your messy feelings....well, I'd say just wait and see how you feel in a week or two. Sometimes when someone comes back into your life it can be a real emotional shock. You need to wait until things settle down inside your head before you start to turn around and question everything that you're doing. And then, if it turns out that you do need a change, well, there's nothing wrong with doing what's right for you, as long as you're honest with yourself and with others.
thanks for the "happy birthday." Sad that I haven't looked at my profile since July 17. Anyway, I don't know you, but it was awfully nice of you to come by to see me
As for your messy feelings....well, I'd say just wait and see how you feel in a week or two. Sometimes when someone comes back into your life it can be a real emotional shock. You need to wait until things settle down inside your head before you start to turn around and question everything that you're doing. And then, if it turns out that you do need a change, well, there's nothing wrong with doing what's right for you, as long as you're honest with yourself and with others.
bliss:
You are too young to settle for anything less than your expectations. Date around...Live a little!
i hate the fact that summer is almost over for me. it's too sad. i really have had a great summer even though i haven't really done all that much. it's just been nice to relax and stay up late and not really have to do much of anything. don't get me wrong, i mean, school is great and all, but it's so much nicer...
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VIEW 13 of 13 COMMENTS
jp:
Sorry your summer is about over. With each day brings new possibilities though. (or somethin like that)
I hadn't thought about my first date in a while actually. Mine went ok, I was 14 I think and I took this girl to see "Love at First Bite" with Jim Carey. My mom drove me and embarrased the shit out of me. I wanted to kill the fat bitch.
*grrrrr
Hope yours was better.
I hadn't thought about my first date in a while actually. Mine went ok, I was 14 I think and I took this girl to see "Love at First Bite" with Jim Carey. My mom drove me and embarrased the shit out of me. I wanted to kill the fat bitch.
*grrrrr
Hope yours was better.
yellokitty:
Do i ever!
Wicked by Gregory Maguire, if you haven't already.
The life and times of the wicked witch of the west. It explains a LOT and can be really morbid and really fun at the same time.
Or if you want to convince yourself that you can fly: Illusions by Richard Bach.
I'm going to miss summer. A lot. I don't really mean it when i bitch about the heat. I really don't. Don't go.
Wicked by Gregory Maguire, if you haven't already.
The life and times of the wicked witch of the west. It explains a LOT and can be really morbid and really fun at the same time.
Or if you want to convince yourself that you can fly: Illusions by Richard Bach.
I'm going to miss summer. A lot. I don't really mean it when i bitch about the heat. I really don't. Don't go.
last night i had a night that Billy_Ben would be proud of. it would have brought a tear to your eye man. for the first time in my life i got really drunk. like so drunk i couldn't walk or stand up straight anymore. and i laughed like something like ten minutes straight.so i drove out to prineville, or and met chris and eric to...
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stacie:
mm.. i would love to have a peach! if i had some id cut some up for the both of us!
I got 4 more quarters! SCORE!
For 2 months im living in a furnished condo so there is no accumalation of change in the couch sadly..
I got 4 more quarters! SCORE!
For 2 months im living in a furnished condo so there is no accumalation of change in the couch sadly..
freckle:
portland is my very mostest favouritest place ever!
Have you thought about seeing a counselor? Sometimes talking about things with a neutral third party is easier, especially a professional. Of course, it only works if you BOTH go. That's the best thing I can think of right now. If you're willing to put up one hell of a fight, it's got to be mediated; otherwise one or both of you may do something you will truly, honestly regret and there will be no going back. Please think about it, dear heart. You both deserve it. I'm sending positive energy your way.