FUCK. HAVE I EVER SAID HOW MUCH I HATE MICROSOFT? UGH.
For some reason I'm in Windows right now. Actually I was going to play a game that only runs in WIndows. But I found it in me to write a deep/troubled journal entry.. so I did. But I hit the backbutton accedenlty some how, and IE blew away my entry. FUCK IT. It was like 3 pages, and was the biggest soul outpouring I've done in years. Fuck you BIll Gates, and fuck your creation named IE. I hate you. I'm going back to Linux... after I try to remember/duplicate what I posted. Guess I have to write this shit in notepad and paste it into IE. Ugh.
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I'm in a very deep depression right now. Deeper than I can remember being in ever before. I have sort of realized that I really don't have any real people I can call "friends". You know, those people you go to hang out with every night... the ones you call on the phone and complain about your day to. I dont have any of those. Not a single one. And it doesn't look like i'll be getting any any time soon... I can't find anybody on a similar wave length as me... nobody who I can actually engage in a conversation with about something I know. That's definatly my fault though, but that doesn't stop it from sucking. I have a one track mind. Actually, my personality clearly sucks. I seem to have lost the ability to hold a decent conversation about anything.
My mom has been suffering from chronic back pain for the last year. She's been arguing with her employeer about workers comp, and that kind of stuff. It has not gone well. She's been in the most intense constant pain for hte last year. Who would expect in this day and age for an employeer to take care of an employee? Insane I know. Today the just throw lawyers at you until you go away or complain loudly enough.
She went through surgery about 6 months ago to correct a blown disc, which was not a success. It has left her with this pain. Just two weeks ago, she finally had a device implanted into her back that is suppose to numb the pain with eletrocal pulses. She literly has a USB cable sticking out of her back. It does not seem to work though.
She called me up today and asked me if I had any weed, and if she could come over and smoke with me. Do you have any idea how that makes you feel? Your mom asking for pity weed. She's never even acknowledged that I smoked... and now this. What are you suppose to do in such a situation? Weed is not an answer, I know this. It does not fix anything, it simply masks whatever it is you are feeling... which is certainly acceptable! But where does that leave her? She can't be high 24/7. When the high wears off, the pain will return... while she's high she won't be herself. I'm scared.
I also can't get this thought out of my head of her somehow harming herself. It's not a pleasent thing to be pondering.
Am I the only one who dances around my apartment to music, naked?
For some reason I'm in Windows right now. Actually I was going to play a game that only runs in WIndows. But I found it in me to write a deep/troubled journal entry.. so I did. But I hit the backbutton accedenlty some how, and IE blew away my entry. FUCK IT. It was like 3 pages, and was the biggest soul outpouring I've done in years. Fuck you BIll Gates, and fuck your creation named IE. I hate you. I'm going back to Linux... after I try to remember/duplicate what I posted. Guess I have to write this shit in notepad and paste it into IE. Ugh.
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I'm in a very deep depression right now. Deeper than I can remember being in ever before. I have sort of realized that I really don't have any real people I can call "friends". You know, those people you go to hang out with every night... the ones you call on the phone and complain about your day to. I dont have any of those. Not a single one. And it doesn't look like i'll be getting any any time soon... I can't find anybody on a similar wave length as me... nobody who I can actually engage in a conversation with about something I know. That's definatly my fault though, but that doesn't stop it from sucking. I have a one track mind. Actually, my personality clearly sucks. I seem to have lost the ability to hold a decent conversation about anything.
My mom has been suffering from chronic back pain for the last year. She's been arguing with her employeer about workers comp, and that kind of stuff. It has not gone well. She's been in the most intense constant pain for hte last year. Who would expect in this day and age for an employeer to take care of an employee? Insane I know. Today the just throw lawyers at you until you go away or complain loudly enough.
She went through surgery about 6 months ago to correct a blown disc, which was not a success. It has left her with this pain. Just two weeks ago, she finally had a device implanted into her back that is suppose to numb the pain with eletrocal pulses. She literly has a USB cable sticking out of her back. It does not seem to work though.
She called me up today and asked me if I had any weed, and if she could come over and smoke with me. Do you have any idea how that makes you feel? Your mom asking for pity weed. She's never even acknowledged that I smoked... and now this. What are you suppose to do in such a situation? Weed is not an answer, I know this. It does not fix anything, it simply masks whatever it is you are feeling... which is certainly acceptable! But where does that leave her? She can't be high 24/7. When the high wears off, the pain will return... while she's high she won't be herself. I'm scared.
I also can't get this thought out of my head of her somehow harming herself. It's not a pleasent thing to be pondering.
Am I the only one who dances around my apartment to music, naked?
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
kestrel:
Who doesn't?
m1lkm4n:
I dance naked all the time, if it just so happens to be set to music, that is a happy accident. Sucks about your mom, I will send her lot's of happy healing juju, but I'm going to need more chickens for that. Speak at ya laterz...