Life kind of has a way of waking you up one day and smacking you in the face. In all my days standing behind the counter, waiting tables, gossiping about people and how they've fucked up and must hate their lives, how it is their own fault they're in the situation they are in, it never once occured to me that I could be one of those fuck ups. I am. I fucked up, and I don't know what brought about this idea, but it sucks. That's a lie actually, I know exactly where it came from, but who wants to admit that they know they are a fuck up and they know that it's their own fault.
It seems like after high school, everyone left wilmington. The few left attended UNCW, and that's cool, because I was going to community college (woo). Now here it is, 2 and a half years later, people are coming home for the holidays. I'm hearing about everyone's perfect lives, great apartments, great jobs, great everything. They've done everything right. Me, on the other hand, I am a 3 time college dropout, I don't even know if they'll let me come back in the spring, but I pray to god they will since I can't keep living this life. I work at Flaming Amy's slingin burittos, and can barely afford the rent on my ridiculously cheap apartment. I keep making these big plans for my life, and I get super motivated, then I lose interest halfway through. What happened to me going to ECU? What happened to me moving to Richmond, VA? What happened to finishing one fucking semester of college?
"at least you graduated high school"
I keep hearing that, but it doesn't make me feel any better in this downward spiral of self pity. I know I could be doing more productive things with my time, but honestly right now I feel like sitting on the floor, kicking and screaming and throwing the biggest temper tantrum of the 21st century. Wouldn't that be a sight?
Now, not everything is bad in my life. I feel more complete now as a person than I have in a long time. I have good friends who I get along with and don't make me feel belittled all the time, I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me, and is trying to help me get my shit together, and me and my family are actually getting along. I mean, fuck, I've practically quit drinking because I don't hate my life anymore.
I'm ready for change, but I don't know how to bring it about. I'm ready to start a real life and be a grown up.
It seems like after high school, everyone left wilmington. The few left attended UNCW, and that's cool, because I was going to community college (woo). Now here it is, 2 and a half years later, people are coming home for the holidays. I'm hearing about everyone's perfect lives, great apartments, great jobs, great everything. They've done everything right. Me, on the other hand, I am a 3 time college dropout, I don't even know if they'll let me come back in the spring, but I pray to god they will since I can't keep living this life. I work at Flaming Amy's slingin burittos, and can barely afford the rent on my ridiculously cheap apartment. I keep making these big plans for my life, and I get super motivated, then I lose interest halfway through. What happened to me going to ECU? What happened to me moving to Richmond, VA? What happened to finishing one fucking semester of college?
"at least you graduated high school"
I keep hearing that, but it doesn't make me feel any better in this downward spiral of self pity. I know I could be doing more productive things with my time, but honestly right now I feel like sitting on the floor, kicking and screaming and throwing the biggest temper tantrum of the 21st century. Wouldn't that be a sight?
Now, not everything is bad in my life. I feel more complete now as a person than I have in a long time. I have good friends who I get along with and don't make me feel belittled all the time, I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me, and is trying to help me get my shit together, and me and my family are actually getting along. I mean, fuck, I've practically quit drinking because I don't hate my life anymore.
I'm ready for change, but I don't know how to bring it about. I'm ready to start a real life and be a grown up.
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That said, not everyone has to go to college, but it's pretty much like having a HS diploma was 30 years ago. So definitely much more necessary to get where you want to go. You are taking a scenic route, and while it might take you longer to get there, I think you will get more from your experience, appreciate it more, than those friends who went immediately to college.
Don't worry that you have fucked up. It's not a fuck up. It's taking your own road and getting where you need to be when you need to get there. College is still there for you as an option.
Deep breath, let it out, and it's all good now. See, all you need is a plan.
Schiavona is onto something-- it's good to have a plan.
The best piece of advice I got recently is that in life you either fulfil a role (being a great mum, being an inspiration to people, etc.) or you aim for a goal (making a million before you're 40). Basically goals are something you do and roles are something you are along the way. Pick a role or a goal and then figure out what you need to do to get there. Your role or goal doesn't have to include college. If it's not for you, don't kill yourself to live out someone else's dream or idea of what your life should be like. Fuck it.
It's like the bit in Fight Club where Brad Pitt threatens the guy in the convenience store who wants to be a vet. Decide what you want to do and set yourself a time limit for the first step, whatever that is-- college, getting a new job, getting advice, etc. A marathon is made of a million steps.