Emotions are very powerful things; they drive us passionately every day. Some good and some bad. Most people can handle their emotions well, not letting the way they feel affect them too severely in their everyday life.
I am not one of those people.
Growing up I saw my fair share of bad things happen, and by the time I was about 15, I trained myself not to feel feelings anymore. I put on a happy face and stay generally happy, and get by. When something tragic happened to me when I was younger, I learned it was easier to become callous than to have to stomache what was fully happening in my life.
As I've grown up, it's been very helpful in situations. I'm more capable of handling a situation since I am not being emotionally overwhelmed. On the other hand, sometimes I need to cry, to let my emotions shine through, but I can't, even if I want to. I don't let it affect me.
Now when you bottle something up for a long time, it eventually has to come out. So every so often, I lose it. When the crying comes, for however stupid the reason, it doesn't stop. Sometimes it's a day or two, sometimes a couple weeks. In that time period I can't handle anything. I constantly feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack, if I'm not having one, and I feel completely incapable of dealing with my everyday life. The last time this happened, almost 2 years ago, I nearly checked myself into a mental institution because I felt I was a danger to myself, but because of my strong belief that most therapy and pychiatrists are full of shit, I resolved to deal with it all on my own.
I feel like it's starting again. I feel like I'm about to have a panic attack at least once a day for the last week, and I've been crying over practically nothing. I've become overly needy, and ridiculously paranoid. This "episode" isn't nearly as bad as the last time, but I still want to apologize to anyone who has been affected by it. I'm sorry I haven't been answering phone calls from anyone, and have been really antisocial, I just don't feel like dealing with people. It's just how I am. I am a callous person, but sometimes I slip up.
Outside of all this, this week has sucked a whole lot.
I am not one of those people.
Growing up I saw my fair share of bad things happen, and by the time I was about 15, I trained myself not to feel feelings anymore. I put on a happy face and stay generally happy, and get by. When something tragic happened to me when I was younger, I learned it was easier to become callous than to have to stomache what was fully happening in my life.
As I've grown up, it's been very helpful in situations. I'm more capable of handling a situation since I am not being emotionally overwhelmed. On the other hand, sometimes I need to cry, to let my emotions shine through, but I can't, even if I want to. I don't let it affect me.
Now when you bottle something up for a long time, it eventually has to come out. So every so often, I lose it. When the crying comes, for however stupid the reason, it doesn't stop. Sometimes it's a day or two, sometimes a couple weeks. In that time period I can't handle anything. I constantly feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack, if I'm not having one, and I feel completely incapable of dealing with my everyday life. The last time this happened, almost 2 years ago, I nearly checked myself into a mental institution because I felt I was a danger to myself, but because of my strong belief that most therapy and pychiatrists are full of shit, I resolved to deal with it all on my own.
I feel like it's starting again. I feel like I'm about to have a panic attack at least once a day for the last week, and I've been crying over practically nothing. I've become overly needy, and ridiculously paranoid. This "episode" isn't nearly as bad as the last time, but I still want to apologize to anyone who has been affected by it. I'm sorry I haven't been answering phone calls from anyone, and have been really antisocial, I just don't feel like dealing with people. It's just how I am. I am a callous person, but sometimes I slip up.
Outside of all this, this week has sucked a whole lot.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
Turns out "human" was/is Aimee's mom. Who knew? After that initial e-mail we (aimee & i) became friends.
I never got to see HWP live but have been to almost every theSTART show they played in NYC.
its always fun to run into other people who love hwp. one night in spain is probably one of my favorite songs of all time.
Mostly though, I hope you are doing better, and that the weekend bring MUCH happiness your way! Or I'll kick it's butt!