violently

This is the letter I want to send to Nick in like a week or two if I have not heard from him:

All of our problems stem from booze. I think you will
realize this once you look back at the last few
months. Things had been great until we got drunk.
Everytime we've been drunk we have stupid
misunderstandings and neither of us act like adults. I
really wish you would put this incident behind us and
try to work shit out, because I don't think it is
worth it to throw away all the good times (fuck, think
about this whole week before shit happened)because of
shit that happens when we are drunk. You take out the
booze part and there is no problem.

I'm done drinking. Dealing with the repercussions from
it isn't worth it, and I've been in hell the last few
days, crying and barfing and feeling terrible.

I hope you think about this and really weigh all the
good times out against the bad, because there are a
hell of a lot more good times. Also, I really want the
dog. I paid for Apollo and you never helped me with
the payments, and Mallory is half the cost of Apollo.
Also, you hate her and she is a pain in the ass to you
and your carpet. Let me take her and you don't have to
worry about her shitting and chewing. It'll cost you
less in the long run, and she'll have a big yard to
play in and she'll be with someone that has the time
to take care of her and train her and such. I really
would like to have her as I think everyone would be
happier in the long run. Dog included. Apollo harasses
her all the time anyway.

I will catch you later.

Mary

---------------------

and now:

Headed out with the girls to try to eat something as I haven't eaten in about 3 days. Going through emotional shit is really the best diet ever, I weigh 127. 7 more pounds and I will be smokin.

Had a good talk with my therapist this morning, and I finally got my anxiety pills refilled. I already feel 100 times more calm. All I have to do now is finish this prescription and as long as I am done drinking I will be right back on track. Happy, healthy, and you know, not having violent drunken outbursts toward the people I love.

All of our problems stemmed from booze, which is why I'm done drinking. It's not worth it to feel terrible because of shit that happens while drunk. I have to say I wish dude would forgive me and look past this and focus on the good times we've had the last few months WITHOUT booze, but he needs his space right now, and I need to get back on the healthy lifestyle track. Maybe in a few weeks we will talk and possibly try again. I'd like to think so. Our relationship meant a lot to me and I think deep down it meant a lot to him too, the only thing I regret are my drunken actions and the fact that not everyone is as forgiving as me. It doesn't make me weak by any means, but I guess it is perceived that way. Sorry for being a nice person I guess. Oh well.

I've been catching up on a lot of sleep and trying to reorganize my life right now. I need to clean my living spaces, my car, room, etc, and get some calming incense. I need to get my business cards from Kinko's (they came in, yay!!) and then get those brochures out. I need to get back to the gym after I eat and rest a little bit more. I need to run around with my girl pals and have me time.

What's meant to be will be, and what's not won't.

I am going to try to stay optimistic, but whatever happens happens for a reason. I do love him dearly, and however this turns out will be the best course of action. And he knows I love him. So...onward.

Off to make myself a better person. A better person with more tattoos

P.S. Jill and Brooke have been my lifesavers. I love you guys dearly, thank you for being here for me and listening to me blubber like an abused circus seal. I'm looking up plane tickets today to come visit you so we can have a hoedown in our pajamas and eat Ben & Jerry's and watch girly flicks. I love you guys so fucking much <3 Seriously folks, these 2 girls are the best friends I've ever had and none of us live in the same damn states. We should think about fixing that