violently

I still have no idea what is going on. I stayed at his house last night, but I think he is upset with me still. I have to wait to talk to him again tonight. I can't stop crying.

I just want things to be good again. I just want him to care.

I don't want to hurt anymore.

Conversation from last night- it's long as hell, I don't expect anyone to read it all.

pumkinskins: hey did you call like 30 times?
violentlyalive: no
violentlyalive: i've been on the computer all afternoon since i've talked to you
pumkinskins: ok just checking
violentlyalive: heh you must think i'm psycho to fuckin ask a qestion like that
violentlyalive: sheesh
violentlyalive: listen i didn't want to fight with you earlier
violentlyalive: and i don't want to fight with you now
violentlyalive: i thought things have been going pretty good with us lately
violentlyalive: but if you're not happy you gotta tell me
violentlyalive: only reason i called today was because i needed comfort from someone i love
violentlyalive: and that happened to be you
violentlyalive: i just felt like when you called you were uncaring towards me, like oh is that all
violentlyalive: blah blah
violentlyalive: and it really upset me more
violentlyalive: all i want right now is to be held and told it's gonna be ok, and that i'm cared about
violentlyalive: because i feel really fucking alone
violentlyalive: i have no one that isn't nuts i can talk to besides you
violentlyalive: i mean shit, i have to watch myself when i hang with the broads cus god knows what trouble i get into when i'm not going through a crisis
violentlyalive: involve them in this and it would be total world chaos
pumkinskins: yeah i hear ya on that
violentlyalive: i'm sorry i've been so stressed lately
violentlyalive: i just wish you could be more compassionate to me
violentlyalive: i would love to fucking see you and get a hug and hang for like 2 hours and then take off
violentlyalive: and yes i would drive to there to hang out for 2 hours
violentlyalive: i don't care, because you mean that much to me
violentlyalive: but i don't want to waste my time if you really could care less dude
violentlyalive: and i didn't know it was such a hassle for you to have me spend the night occasionally
pumkinskins: yeah it makes me feel akward when you drive that far for a few hours.....is that how you spell akward
violentlyalive: i mean shit, id love it if i had someone to sleep next to to cuddle
violentlyalive: but to each it own
violentlyalive: awkward
violentlyalive: why would you feel awkward
violentlyalive: you're not obligated to house me
violentlyalive: i mean sure i love sleeping with you
violentlyalive: but my sisters is 20 min away
violentlyalive: and i like driving, even though i drive like an asian
violentlyalive: you mean enough to me that i wouldn't mind coming out, making dinner or watching a movie with you, and then i'd leave
violentlyalive: i get to see you, i'm happy
violentlyalive: what is going to make YOU happy?
violentlyalive: and did you get my email from sunday?
pumkinskins: its not about making me happy you really need to think about yourself mary you are #1 fuck
violentlyalive: i mean, you yourself have said in the past that if your car worked you'd come out to visit me for a few hours
violentlyalive: well dude i am happy when i get to see you
violentlyalive: but if that's not making you happy then that's not going to work is it
violentlyalive: and it matters to me if you are happy or not
violentlyalive: i'd like to continue seeing you, but i have to know what's up with you too
violentlyalive: i just don't want to get hurt dude
violentlyalive: and i don't want to hurt you
violentlyalive: and if you're still in love with christina or something, then just tell me that too
violentlyalive: i can't help that i love you, but i can help how to handle the situation
violentlyalive: but you have to let me in on your thoughts too
pumkinskins: you know man ive been in some gay outings with girls and each has toughened me whether it be for good or bad and it took a long time for me to figure out things and play it safe and i guess im just not 100% fuck i dont know this is gay i hate this jargen total fucking highschool crap im a grown ass man shit and you are a grown ass woman we can both see things are lame right now so be a goddamn adult about it and say hey its not workin lets give it a break and not force shit and reach for the hope that it will fix itself like a child
violentlyalive: i thought it was working ok until today
violentlyalive: and if you're a grown ass man and i'm a grown ass woman, we should be able to talk through problems and come to compromises or conclusions instead of just running away at the first sign of a conflict
pumkinskins: yeah if this was the first sign yeah but shit always pops up
violentlyalive: i mean shit, i asked you to show me you cared a little and you made the effort
violentlyalive: but today you made me feel like shit
violentlyalive: what do you want from me dude?
violentlyalive: what's gonna make you happy?
violentlyalive: i'm telling you what's gonna make me happy, so i think it's only fair
violentlyalive: if you don't wanna see me anymore just be blunt about it
pumkinskins: honestly alone time i think...i just need alot of space but its not fair to you to wait around and i would not if i was you
violentlyalive: well shit how much time do you need and are you planning on sleeping with other broads
violentlyalive: i never meant to make you unhappy
pumkinskins: no has nothing to do with that...shit i might go gay hahahah
violentlyalive: fuck don't say that
violentlyalive: do i annoy you or something?
pumkinskins: hahah yeah i take that back
violentlyalive: i mean i must be doing something to make you not want to be around me
pumkinskins: yeah sometimes you do like when you pushed it the other day that shit sticks with me for along time if a goddamn video game does....
violentlyalive: ok then i won't do that anymore
violentlyalive: you just have to let me know dude
violentlyalive: just like i do when i tell you hey, you're making me feel like shit
violentlyalive: did you get my email from that day?
violentlyalive: i sent a big ol note apologizing
violentlyalive: i realized that sucked of me
pumkinskins: dude dont you see that like closing yourself in...ask yourself is it love for me or just that threr is no one else for you to confide in
violentlyalive: no, i know i do love you
violentlyalive: how is that closing myself in?
violentlyalive: i asked once, you said no, i shoulda let it go
violentlyalive: or did it bug you that i asked in the first place
violentlyalive: i mean i realize it's my fault for coming out without asking if you had shit you had to do the next day
violentlyalive: if i'd known you were gonna be busy all day i probably wouldn't have come out so late, you know?
pumkinskins: yeah
violentlyalive: so thats my fault for assuming you didn't have much planned, so i thought we could get some food and watch a movie
violentlyalive: but it wasn't a big deal that i had to leave
violentlyalive: i had to be in the area
violentlyalive: and i apologized as soon as i got to my sisters for pushing the issue
violentlyalive: no clue if you ever got that email
pumkinskins: yeah my gaymail is zany i tryed to merge the 2 and think i boned something
violentlyalive: hold on
violentlyalive wants to directly connect.
pumkinskins is now directly connected.
violentlyalive: "Mary Marasco" Add to Address Book
Subject: we todd did
To: "nick esparza"


haha man i think i am still fucked up from those
pills, i was driving to my sister's house and feeling
weird as shit. anyhow, sorry for being all pushy mcgee
this morning, it really wasn't a big deal to me
whether or not i stayed, i was just in a retarded mood
i guess haha :-)

thanks for having me over last night, i'm glad i got
to see you this weekend and all that, getting to go to
sleep with you and the puppy rules my face...aww i'm
gay
violentlyalive: anyhow i'm gonna go take a nap cus i am zombified, so
i hope you have a good day and you get all your brake
shit done, glad you're getting it fixed, i worry about
you when it rains n stuff. ok ill stop being gay now.
i'll catch you later :-) xoxo

mary


pumkinskins: dude not to be to dickish but that really holds no ground now dont you think...the email is not gonna fix things
violentlyalive: i'm just saying i apologized
violentlyalive: and i realized i was annoying that morning
violentlyalive: what's done is done, but for what it's worth i wanted you to know i was sorry
pumkinskins: i know
violentlyalive: i just wish i knew why you weren't happy with me
violentlyalive: i feel like i did something wrong and you're not telling me
violentlyalive: you know i'd do anything for you
violentlyalive: or just about
violentlyalive: it was never my intention to make you upset
violentlyalive: i don't ask much of you dude, just what any friend would ask
violentlyalive: a hug and some comfort
violentlyalive: i mean if you really don't care about me that much then you should tell me so i don't go to you
violentlyalive: i thought things had been good lately
violentlyalive: correct me if i'm wrong please
pumkinskins: yeah luke warm i would say
violentlyalive: luke warm good?
violentlyalive: listen, you know what's gonna make me happy
violentlyalive: and if you ending shit with me if going to make you happy then i have to go along with that
violentlyalive: don't have a choice, just wish i could see ya one last time
pumkinskins: yeah i mean if it comes to that then so be it but i DO NOT want to lose you as friend and basically dont want to have anymore ugly goodbys ya know shit doesent work its not the goddamn apocalypse ya know
violentlyalive: so are you ending it with me then?
pumkinskins: for real mary you are not happy you need to be if im not giving you that well shit your just gonna have to figure that one out on your own hahahah
violentlyalive: you have been until today
violentlyalive: just give me a straight answer dude
violentlyalive: i'm happy when i'm with you
violentlyalive: i'm sad when i'm not
violentlyalive: when we ended shit the last time i was miserable
violentlyalive: i missed you so fucking much
violentlyalive: you're not happy then either i guess?
pumkinskins: not really
violentlyalive: why
violentlyalive: all i want to do is hug you right now so bad
violentlyalive: i'm so sorry for everything, that it's turned out like this
pumkinskins: im sick and tired of having to answer to someone like if i get a message and dont call back i dont want to explain why or get asked whats wrong or is everything ok
pumkinskins: fed up to the max
violentlyalive: you don't have to answer to me, i was just worried dude
violentlyalive: usually you call me back, and i didn't see you online in 3 days
violentlyalive: and i missed you and was worried
violentlyalive: and thought maybe you were mad at me
violentlyalive: i was upset about court and everything and i really wanted to talk with you
pumkinskins: see what i mean just cuz im not online does not mean im mad maybee i didint feel like going on cuz it will suck me in and i need rest thats my business and shouldent have to care or explain
violentlyalive: well i dunno, i mean it's the only way we usually talk
violentlyalive: i feel weird calling you on the phone
violentlyalive: would you be upset if i called to say hi or something?
violentlyalive: i just don't know how to react to you anymore because unless you tell me these things i'm in the dark dude
pumkinskins: no but i mean if it gets recockulous then yeah or if for some reason dont call back then shit just didint call back oh well...and if you call and ask what im doing and im out the door then im out the door just how i live i dont like waiting for shit im ready to go then im ready ya know
violentlyalive: no i mean like, if i didn't see you online all week , so i called to say hey and see how you were doing
violentlyalive: not like every fucking day
violentlyalive: jesus
violentlyalive: and if you're out the door then you're out the door
violentlyalive: that's cool
violentlyalive: i know how that goes too
pumkinskins: yeah dude thats fine fuck i dont talk to my best of friends for fucking months sometimes shit i dont even talk to brandon for weeks on end sometime and i live with the guy
violentlyalive: i don't expect to talk to you everyday
violentlyalive: but i care about you, and i like spending time with you
violentlyalive: i just usually return phone calls
violentlyalive: i kmean if you called me upset, i'd call you back
pumkinskins: yeah i like it too but i appreciate it more when its not every week or every 2 weeks im like a little fucking kid i beg to have my friends spend the night then im totally fucking sick of them come morning and start fighting with them and shit
violentlyalive: you used to not get sick of me, that's what makes me sad
violentlyalive: i feel like i did something wrong
violentlyalive: i mean shit, if i get to see you once a week, i'm happy
violentlyalive: i don't care if it's for 2-3 hours
violentlyalive: just that i get to see you, hug you, kiss you, and spend some relax time with you
pumkinskins: yeah
violentlyalive: christ my ideal overnight with you is i come over late, we pop some pills, cuddle like assholes, maybe watch a movie and shower together in the morning
violentlyalive: and then i take off
violentlyalive: and you have your day
violentlyalive: i don't expect to stay with you for days on end
violentlyalive: i mean shit the last time i did that when you were sick by the end of it i wanted to bitchslap you
pumkinskins: does that not make you feel like im controlling you or like im wowanizing you or something ahhaahah sick womanizer
violentlyalive: womanizing?
violentlyalive: how are you controlling me?
violentlyalive: i get to see you, i'm happy
violentlyalive: we both go about our business
violentlyalive: maybe talk on the phone or online every couple days or so
violentlyalive: what more do i want?
violentlyalive: fuck
violentlyalive: nothing
violentlyalive: just to know you care about me and aren't sleeping with other girls
violentlyalive: that's it
pumkinskins: i dont know dude sounds good now and you seem to be agreeing but its not like that in the long run
violentlyalive: i mean shit, if you got sick or something again, sure i'd drop everything to take care of you if you needed it or wanted it
violentlyalive: all i need is that reassurance dude
violentlyalive: the reassurance that you care, and that i will see you again
violentlyalive: fuckin baby steps man
violentlyalive: i don't expect to spend every weekend with you
violentlyalive: i mean i'd be happy seeing you once a week
violentlyalive: or like today when i really fucking needed a hug and a cuddle
violentlyalive: fuck i was happy to just spend saturday night with you last weekend
violentlyalive: i love you, and if there is the possibility that one day maybe you'll love me too, i'm willing to stick it out
violentlyalive: you mean a lot to me
violentlyalive: i don't need definite answers, i just need to know shit's ok
pumkinskins: yeah that was fine just dont push it....and i would love to help you with problems just dont bring it to the table like somethings up with me or some shits wrong just fucking be like fuck dude some shits going down nigga what do you think i should do
violentlyalive: i just felt like you were thinking i was stupid or some shit
violentlyalive: but if you say you weren't, then i'll take your word for it
violentlyalive: ideally today all i would've wanted from you was to say come over, i'll cuddle you, we can watch a movie, and then i woulda left
violentlyalive: i was just feeling really lonely and sad and scared
pumkinskins: i know and maybee i wold have offered that till the same old book got cracked open again then i dont dive a shit it all goes out the window
violentlyalive: well i promise not to bring it up again as long as you promise to tell me what's up
violentlyalive: if i'm there and you need space, tell me and i'll lleave
violentlyalive: if you have shit to do tell me
violentlyalive: if you wanna hang out, tell me
violentlyalive: bla bla etc
pumkinskins: im not even gonna ask you to come over unless i absouloutly 100% know that i dont have jack shit to do i mean even if i have to put fucking gas its off its not fair to you bottom line
violentlyalive: if that's how you want to handle it then i'll accept that
violentlyalive: but know that i don't mind driving out for an afternoon to watch a movie and relax for a few hours
violentlyalive: i don't have to stay
violentlyalive: i'd rather see you in little pieces when i can than like say once every month, you know?
violentlyalive: i mean fuck, even the times i've come out in the evening and you have to work the next day, i don't mind if you want me to leave that night if you don't want me to stay over and sleep in
violentlyalive: i am really sorry i freak out on you sometimes
violentlyalive: and speaking of getting gas, i don't mind running errands with you at all, but if you'd rather do em alone that's totally cool too
violentlyalive: i don't want to stop seeing you, and i want you to be happy too
violentlyalive: so if we can make this work i want to
pumkinskins: yeah...
violentlyalive: i'm just happy when i get to see you dude
violentlyalive: you make me smile and laugh
violentlyalive: not many people do that
violentlyalive: and i'm sorry if you feel like i'm smothering you
violentlyalive: i just miss you sometimes
violentlyalive: i miss you right now
pumkinskins: i know that feeling its horrible
violentlyalive: what feeling, missing someone? or being smothered?
violentlyalive: haha
pumkinskins: both i guess
violentlyalive: christ i've used up a whole box of tissues already
pumkinskins: ive used up 3 cans of fake beer
violentlyalive: haha
violentlyalive: i miss you :-(
violentlyalive: i'm sorry for today
violentlyalive: wish i could come see you and hug you, i'm so sorry
violentlyalive: and i'm sorry i take my stress out on you
pumkinskins: you know what would make me happy
violentlyalive: what
pumkinskins: and i think it would help you cuz its such a waste to know how and not do it i would fucking kill muillions to know how...why dont you play piano again write some songs
violentlyalive: maybe
pumkinskins: i dont know it helps me to write lyrics
violentlyalive: playing piano makes me sad
violentlyalive: the last time i really played was when my best friend died about 5 years ago
violentlyalive: to me the piano is just a bunch of broken memories and heartache
violentlyalive: and a reminder of all the years of abuse i spent cus of my mom
violentlyalive: when i play now everything tastes like blood and cigarettes and i want to cry
violentlyalive: i'll write you a song if it'll make you happy though heh
violentlyalive: i wish you could come over and hug me till i fall asleep right now
pumkinskins: no one has ever wrote me a song
violentlyalive: same here
violentlyalive: i'll write one for you if you want
violentlyalive: hell i'll give you one of my paintings too if you want one of those too
pumkinskins: nah you dont have to do that
violentlyalive: i just started, they all suck but i love them
pumkinskins: yeah painting is goddamn tuff
violentlyalive: its more abstract shit, i couldn't paint a person to save my life
pumkinskins: ahh the easy way out throw a bunch of crap on canvas and call it art hahhaah dick huh
violentlyalive: hahaha yeah but to me it represents something
violentlyalive: doesn't matter if no one else gets it
pumkinskins: sure i guess
violentlyalive: i don't plan on doing it for a living
violentlyalive: besides, they all smell like vodka
pumkinskins: painting with vodka again huh or using it as thinner
violentlyalive: i just douse the paintings in them
violentlyalive: i want my work to smell like a sorority girl
violentlyalive: you can jizz on one if you want
pumkinskins: yikes
violentlyalive: haha
violentlyalive: can i come over and sleep with you tonight? it'll be the last time i ask
violentlyalive: to stay over that is
violentlyalive: it's ok if you say no
pumkinskins: yeah come over
violentlyalive: ok t
violentlyalive: thank you
violentlyalive: i'll be over in a while
pumkinskins: ok
violentlyalive: love you
pumkinskins: hey
violentlyalive: ho
pumkinskins: come in the back door ill leav it open
violentlyalive: ok
pumkinskins: just make sure you close the gate if you come in that way but you know that so ya
violentlyalive: ok
violentlyalive: see you in a bit
pumkinskins: ok

I just don't understand anything anymore.

On the upside though, I bought a bunch of new MAC eyeshadows from the Madame Butterfly Line and on Monday I have a shoot with Kelly Lind. Yay. I'd trade it all for things to be good with Nick though. God I am lame.