violently

Fucking great.

So I'm studying for my NASM certification, and for some reason, their stupid OPT training blocks are not sticking. I finish reading the chapter and I can't remember anything. I take the quiz and I blank out. This is ONE CHAPTER INTO THE BOOK PEOPLE. Granted, I tried to finish a whole chapter today, when in reality you're supposed to only do like a quarter of it at a time, but I want to get the damn thing over with. Also, I have an interview at Meridian Sports Club tomorrow and I'm afraid I'm going to go in there and look like a jackass and not remember anything and be like uh hurr hurr duhhhhhh me train good huurrrrrrrrrr. I am hoping between now and tomorrow I turn into the supergoddess of personal training and spout off fountains of wisdom that make the interviewers revel in my intelligence and beg me to work for them. Pray for me please.

It's not that I don't know my shit, but I choke up faster than my cat and her hairballs when it comes to interviews. I automatically go into, omg why in the world would they hire me, and if they do, how can I possibly think they're going to pay me enough to live? Thank you LA Private Trainers in Calabasas, California for treating me like shit, telling me I was worthless, and cutting my pay for no reason without telling me. I feel like I can't trust anyone I work for and that they've basically ruined training for me. AND I KNOW I was a damn good trainer. All of my clients were losing weight faster than you can fucking believe. HOW DOES 7 FUCKING INCHES in 3 WEEKS SOUND FUCKERS?!?

Ok breathe lady.

Also my court arraignment is this week, and I just found out my total credit card bill for all the study materials and random shit I've had to buy. Let's put it this way, I'm going to be in debt forever, I have the feeling I am never going to make anything of myself, and I am sorely tempted to to go back to school full-time, 40 hours a week, so I don't have to think about what in the hell I am going to do with the rest of my life. I can become a respiratory therapist, put it on my credit card, and pay it off in 2 years when I start making like $80k helping people breathe. Granted, that's not what I planned on doing, but when your parents offer to let you stay at home rent free while you go to school as well as help you out with a little extra spending cash, it doesn't sound so bad now does it?

BAHAHA I just got my mail, in it contained an invite to be in a fucking beauty pageant. BAHAHAHAHA. I want to save the world and give everyone a puppy so no one is sad. I can just see it. They'd ask me my opinion on how to make the world a better place and I'd be like KILL EM ALL!

Ok but yeah, I'm freaking out. I feel like I should be independent and have this plan and know what I'm going to do, and then do it, but I don't. And that scares me terribly.

I don't want to be an office monkey, I don't want to work in sales, and I can't own a gun or a knife so that kinda puts being a Charlie's Angel out of the picture, so I'm at a loss. I like training people, but I also like making money. I like being able to make my own schedule, but I also like making money. I want weekends off and enough money to survive on so me and my cat can live alone in peace. I want medical benefits. I want to not worry about my future. I want people to stop lecturing me and telling me I am wasting my life and my mind. I want to not drive 40 miles to work one way. I want to win the lottery. I want a dollar so I can buy a lottery ticket.

I want some hope and to know that everything is gonna be ok and that I will make something of myself and get my shit together and live a productive life.

I want to be a ninja.