violently

I tried to break up with Nick last night. I can't take it anymore, he treats me so badly and acts so awful towards me. I told him I cry all the time and I'm miserable. All I ever wanted was for us to be happy, for him to be happy, and he just sees me as a hassle. He doesn't love me.

Somehow, we're still together. He doesn't want to stop seeing me, he acknowledged we're more than friends, and he said he'll try to make more of an effort. Like instead of telling me I have to leave with no explanation, he'll explain he has shit to do and he'll give me a hug and a kiss goodbye. Says he'll make more of an effort to show me he cares, get into contact with me first...

The whole thing is pathetic. We have plans to hang out for Rise Against, his birthday, and V-Day- which by the way, he was planning on doing nothing for me, like I figured. I told him if he cared he should do something, I mean fuck, you could pick a flower out the neighbors yard and give it to me, it's the thought you know? Anyhow I guess we're supposed to hang out and watch movies, which is what I wanted to do in the first place, but of course it was my suggestion. He also knows I'm getting him something for V-Day and he's dying to know what it is. I feel like ...I don't know.

I am so fucking sad it's come to this. We're not gonna last. I can't take it anymore. I wish I could just go to his house today, drop off his shit, and take the dog and be done with it. Why should I stay with someone that doesn't love me, and can't even think enough to do anything nice for me ever? I told him he would never find someone as good to him as I am, and he agreed, and he doesn't care he's throwing me away. He's resigned himself to never get close to anyone again because of his ex, and I told him that's great, you're letting her win.

I told him I didn't need him to be my bf, just to acknowledge that we're more than friends, but it's not true. If he's going to keep me around he better be my fucking boyfriend, it's been far too long for this fucking charade. I mean if he's not my bf, what the fuck is he then?

Last night I was placated, this morning I am miserable. We had an I.M. conversation last night, which he initiated almost immediately after we got off the phone...I guess his way of showing that he does care enough to get ahold of me first sometimes. Last night during he assured me we're cool, and everything is going to be fine, but I know it's not. How can I be with someone who won't admit he's my bf and doesn't love me?

I am sad I will be taking the dog from him. I feel like I should let him have it, but I paid for it, and the dog loves me too. He is nicer to that dog than he is to me. He is better quipped to have a adog at his place, but I paid for it, it's the principle of the thing I feel. And I guess I want to hurt him, because he may not be sad if I'm not around, but he'll be fucking sad as fuck if the dog is gone.

I'll get more attention from the dog than he gives me. At least the dog initiates snuggling, and gives me puppy kisses, and goes to sleep with me at night. Plus he gets along with my cat.

I am so fucking sad. I don't know what to do. I know it's over.

I just tried to call him and he's not home. I don't know if I should leave a message or what. Or just go over there, drop his present for VDAY off and take the dog and be done with it. But I know for my own peace of mind I have to see him one last time and kiss him goodbye. I need that closure.

Someone help.

Edit: Just spoke to best friend, here is what I have decided to do for now:

Focus on myself, focus on the moment. I do enjoy spending time with him so make the most of it while I can, and don't stress about what's going to happen, focus on what IS happening. Live in the moment, not in tomorrow.

This is why I trust Joy. She gives me hope and sound advice. I'm going out with the girls tonight, she's taking my phone and I'm going to have a good time damnit. If Nick calls, great. If not, whatever. I have shit to do and people to see and places to go.

Thai food later. The cookies there will tell me what's up too.

I will be strong and independent. I do not need anyone to validate me. I am awesome, a good friend, and I don't have three heads or some massive deformity that scares people away. I have a good sense of humor, I'm smart, and I can talk shit like a disgruntled sailor. People are happy to be my friends, and if one person isn't, it's their loss.

I am going to be strong. I am going to be ok. I am going to be who I was before I met Nick.

I am going to be happy.