So...this weekend:
Thursday night I went to Nick's house right as his roommate was making a drug deal in the front yard. RETARDED. But Nick ended up not having to go to band practice so we went and got sushi and then watched Se7en, which I accidently fell asleep halfway through. But he let me fall asleep on him and woke me up by petting me so that made me happy. Sometimes he can be so cute it makes me feel so loved. Anyway, Friday morning came around, I GOT SOME, WOO!, and we went to Disneyland in the pouring rain and got on all the cool rides in less than 3 hours and then went home to relax after spending like 3 hours on the 91 freeway. I hate that freeway. I ended up sneaking into the toll lane so cross your fingers for me I don't get caught. I just couldn't take sitting in 1 mph traffic for another hour.
Got home, Nick's roomie gave us some Oxycontin (never taken that before) and that was nutty. It felt like X but without the stupid I LOVE YOU OMG GIVE ME A HUG and meaningless heart to heart conversations that don't count for shit. But again, Nick was really nice and kicked the dog out and let me fall asleep in his arms. It's sad though, he says the nicest things to me when he's fucked up (like, "I'm so glad you're here with me" and blah blah) and I can't take it for real because he never says nice things like that when he's sober.
He woke up at about 4 in the morning and started crying because he was sad he can't drink anymore and he thought that I didn't want to be with him anymore because we can't party, or something to that extent, I didn't really understand why he was so upset and I figured the pills had something to do with it, so I told him I loved him and hugged him and kissed his eyes and pet his back till he fell asleep again.
I think he is really insecure and I know this whole not drinking thing has been really hard for him, and he always throws out, "well you can still drink," but dude, I keep telling him NO I CAN'T. It fucks me up emotionally and I have enough problems already. Whatever...he just doesn't get it, and I think he's just waiting for me to leave him, which is why I think he gets so cold towards me sometimes. I know he's insecure and has major trust issues, I just wish he would realize I wouldn't ever do anything to hurt him. I love him for fuck's sake.
Which leads to last night, I suggested taking more Oxycontin cus I thought he'd be happy he could get fucked up again and he was like WTF SEE ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS GET FUCKED UP, and I was like oh jesus and went into the whole spiel about how I don't care if we get trashed, he knows I'd be there for him anyway, I AM there for him anway, blah blah. But he got kinda cold towards me and I had to ask if he was pissed. He said no, and I kissed him, but it sucks that his mood fluctuates so badly that he's so nice to me one minute and freaking out the next. It makes me feel awful inside. Anyway, he seemed distant the rest of the night and this morning he walked me out to my car and kissed me and hugged me good bye and said he'd see me online later today, so I guess everything is ok. I just wish he'd stop having these mood swings.
And speaking of mood swings I'm now T-24 hours till I start bleeding like a goatse.cx's asshole and I am all crampy and wish I could have just cuddled Nick longer this morning because I am feeling all insecure. I am so pathetic I swear. I'm taking myself out for a brownie ice cream sundae today, diet be damned.
Also, someone, I think it was caleno, sent me my favoritest DVD ever, Blood In Blood Out. I almost started crying when I got home and opened the package this morning, that is like the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. So thank you so much, you just made my day
<3
And I just got some of my favorite perfume in the mail from myself so now I can smell pretty while I watch my DVD and then cry like a bitch that people can be so nice, and so awful, and that I am an emotional mess and I hate my hormones and still hacking up a lung so I can't go to the gym and I have to wallow in ice cream and kitty kats and vatos.
Omg someone sedate me please haha.
For real though, I love you guys. Thanks for listening to me vent all the time, it means a lot.
xoxo
Thursday night I went to Nick's house right as his roommate was making a drug deal in the front yard. RETARDED. But Nick ended up not having to go to band practice so we went and got sushi and then watched Se7en, which I accidently fell asleep halfway through. But he let me fall asleep on him and woke me up by petting me so that made me happy. Sometimes he can be so cute it makes me feel so loved. Anyway, Friday morning came around, I GOT SOME, WOO!, and we went to Disneyland in the pouring rain and got on all the cool rides in less than 3 hours and then went home to relax after spending like 3 hours on the 91 freeway. I hate that freeway. I ended up sneaking into the toll lane so cross your fingers for me I don't get caught. I just couldn't take sitting in 1 mph traffic for another hour.
Got home, Nick's roomie gave us some Oxycontin (never taken that before) and that was nutty. It felt like X but without the stupid I LOVE YOU OMG GIVE ME A HUG and meaningless heart to heart conversations that don't count for shit. But again, Nick was really nice and kicked the dog out and let me fall asleep in his arms. It's sad though, he says the nicest things to me when he's fucked up (like, "I'm so glad you're here with me" and blah blah) and I can't take it for real because he never says nice things like that when he's sober.
He woke up at about 4 in the morning and started crying because he was sad he can't drink anymore and he thought that I didn't want to be with him anymore because we can't party, or something to that extent, I didn't really understand why he was so upset and I figured the pills had something to do with it, so I told him I loved him and hugged him and kissed his eyes and pet his back till he fell asleep again.
I think he is really insecure and I know this whole not drinking thing has been really hard for him, and he always throws out, "well you can still drink," but dude, I keep telling him NO I CAN'T. It fucks me up emotionally and I have enough problems already. Whatever...he just doesn't get it, and I think he's just waiting for me to leave him, which is why I think he gets so cold towards me sometimes. I know he's insecure and has major trust issues, I just wish he would realize I wouldn't ever do anything to hurt him. I love him for fuck's sake.
Which leads to last night, I suggested taking more Oxycontin cus I thought he'd be happy he could get fucked up again and he was like WTF SEE ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS GET FUCKED UP, and I was like oh jesus and went into the whole spiel about how I don't care if we get trashed, he knows I'd be there for him anyway, I AM there for him anway, blah blah. But he got kinda cold towards me and I had to ask if he was pissed. He said no, and I kissed him, but it sucks that his mood fluctuates so badly that he's so nice to me one minute and freaking out the next. It makes me feel awful inside. Anyway, he seemed distant the rest of the night and this morning he walked me out to my car and kissed me and hugged me good bye and said he'd see me online later today, so I guess everything is ok. I just wish he'd stop having these mood swings.
And speaking of mood swings I'm now T-24 hours till I start bleeding like a goatse.cx's asshole and I am all crampy and wish I could have just cuddled Nick longer this morning because I am feeling all insecure. I am so pathetic I swear. I'm taking myself out for a brownie ice cream sundae today, diet be damned.
Also, someone, I think it was caleno, sent me my favoritest DVD ever, Blood In Blood Out. I almost started crying when I got home and opened the package this morning, that is like the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. So thank you so much, you just made my day
<3
And I just got some of my favorite perfume in the mail from myself
so now I can smell pretty while I watch my DVD and then cry like a bitch that people can be so nice, and so awful, and that I am an emotional mess and I hate my hormones and still hacking up a lung so I can't go to the gym and I have to wallow in ice cream and kitty kats and vatos.
Omg someone sedate me please haha.
For real though, I love you guys. Thanks for listening to me vent all the time, it means a lot.
xoxo
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
Oxycontin is SO FUCKING GREAT!!! Like heroin without the messy needles & AIDS...If I lived closer to the Mexican border I would be such a tremendous addict...praise allah that my prescription cannot be refilled anymore, or I'd never leave my house...
Here are a couple of pics of my special-lady-friend holding the jug of my urine afterwards:
http://www.fogartyart.com/Blood1.jpg
http://www.fogartyart.com/BloodWithChunks1.jpg
enjoy!