violently

For some reason I can just spill my guts here and I don't give a fuck. I guess when it comes down to it I'm not afraid of being judged by anyone here, and hell, maybe someone has some suggestions. On that note, here's an entry from my personal journal:

Great, I've had insomnia for a few days now. This is seriously not good. I can't keep still and I feel anxious and agitated. Constantly moving, biting my nails, being confused and withdrawn, feeling weird around other people. I was just laying in bed and I got a huge creative rush. This is bad too. This means the depression is coming back. I've been feeling low and jittery lately, this is really fucking bad. I do not want to be addicted to Benadryls just so I can sleep at night and not turn into Mary the fucking mess during the day. I'm wondering if this could be part of the fact that I haven't drank in almost a month? You'd think I'd get weird withdrawal symptoms almost immediately though, not 3 weeks down the line.

I feel like I can't even keep my thoughts straight.

As for the creative rush:

I want to do a series of canvases that start with a blank one and go up until my life now, at age 24. I am thinking the last painting will be all ripped up and frayed, then duct taped and sewed up haphazardly. Maybe some words and phrases written on some of the canvases about love, and rodeo clowns, and not having a mustache. ***(Kudos to you if you even have the faintest fucking clue as to what I'm talking about.)***

Someone send me some sleep. And while you're at it, a better body, better mind, and better soul. Also, hugs. Hugs are good. I need me some of those right now. I think since I was basically deprived of affection as a child I have a short supply of security, and it's at times like these I just want someone to tell me shit's ok, because I'm more likely to believe someone else than myself at this point.

I don't wanna feel like this again. I do not want to go through what I went through a few months ago. Send me back the damn stomach problem sure, who really minds losing a grip of weight without doing anything, but please keep the emotional and other physical symptoms away, kthx.

I would beat a nun to be the Mary I was back in March of 2004. I gotta get that bitch back. She didn't take shit from anyone EVER, was probably the happiest she'd ever been, wasn't tied to anyone and had a decent job and friends. She was secure about her image, her feelings; just basically everything. Plus, she got a lot of sleep.

I gotta get back into a positive frame of mind. Maybe I can will myself to sleep, to feel better, to not give a fuck.

(and maybe you can ask your doctor for a refill on klonopins)

I could go on forever trying to hide who I am, and I guess who I am now is someone that needs medicinal help, and I can't afford to be too proud to admit that.

Sometimes I hate being right.