Putting down thoughts here is pushing agianst the trend I have been following of shutting down my communication with the world. It isn't depression, its more like a slide towards complete solitude and non being, without an urge to die.
vervain______:
when i was younger i wanted to be a nun because i craved so much silence that the sacrifice of what so many held dear (noise, sex, alcohol) would be gladly taken if i was not expected to talk but remain pure enough to have a certain emptiness/ fullness. then, i found out the truth about nunneries - they were fucked in their own way and even there was someone trying to sell something / trying to change you into something "better." yuck.