Sorry I haven't had much time to blog lately, but I woke up extra early today because I owe you guys this story
@missy @rambo @sean @bloghomework
Wow, SG has definitely brought change to my life... so many good changes.
When I was 16 I discovered Suicidegirls through Xanga.com (a blog community that no longer exists, it was kind of like Tumblr) and saw this GORGEOUS girl with curves and tattoos. At this time I was a very troubled teen, with body image issues and had suffered with this demon ever since I can remember having thoughts. I admired this new-found alternative beauty SO MUCH. It opened my eyes to a whole different world that I didn't know existed. All I ever was exposed to was Victoria's Secret magazines and super thin idols. I would only "reblog" THINSPO (pictures that glorified anorexia and other eating disorders) looking back at it now, I never realized how "sick" my mind was. Anyways, I started finding more and more of these Suicide Girls... and wanted to be one ever since. However my ED was still controlling my life, I was very sad, very malnourished, and hated myself more and more every day. Living with anorexia ruined a lot of friendships and relationships I've had, the negativity is contagious and I wasn't the best person in high school. I went through the days mostly not talking to anyone because I didn't feel like I was perfect enough or that I took up too much space. I really just wanted to disappear. The truth about anorexia is that you will never feel good enough, no matter how much weight you lose, the ultimate goal is to just simply disappear.
I was in a relationship that began beautifully, but ended up being very toxic. I'm not sure who to blame or if there's anyone to blame, but what was only in my head, started to become external, my boyfriend was so worried about my stability that he started telling me I shouldn't eat certain things either.. and it continued for months and months, I really didn't understand what it was that had led me to this, my anorexia went from starving myself to binge eating. I was full of so much guilt and hurt and hatred. How could someone that I was with encourage me to slowly kill myself by starving myself, I just didn't understand how someone could be so cruel, and then I realized, why am I so cruel to myself... why do I try and mold myself into what society wants? I needed a change, I needed something that really was going to push me out of my comfort zone. Well me and that boy broke up, and it was the battle of my life to get myself back together again.
A few years went by, a few years of being in a relationship with someone else, someone else who encouraged me to love myself for who I am, for what my body is, I started to embrace my curves, but the ED demons were still there, and they were still handicapping me from being truly happy in my own skin. Sometimes we just need a little encouragement and a shove in the right direction..... I told him how much a love Suicide Girls and he was like you could definitely be one... it never crossed my mind that it would EVER be possible for me to be a model, especially being short and curvy.... but I thought about it...
Another year or so went by and I was finally like I REALLY NEED TO PUSH MYSELF OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE. So I applied online and submitted some selfies to SG. Not even a week later I got a response, they accepted my application!!!!!! I could not even believe what was happening, and my good friends encouraged me, others didn't think I could do it. I was painfully shy, and nude modeling isn't labeled to be someone who is shy.
Anyways, @brooklyn emailed me and encouraged me to come to a shootfest in Brooklyn, NY. Me and my friend DROVE 8 hours to NYC with barely any money. We got a hotel in Jersey and woke up the next day to bring me to the shootfest. On the way to this shootfest I found out my boyfriend was seeing someone else.... I took that anger and turned it into one of the most self empowering days of my life. When me and my friend arrived @brooklyn greeted me at the door, SHE IS SOOOOO BEAUTIFUL and sweet, soon I met @carrina and @machete and they helped me pick out my outfit hair and makeup. They actually had me take most of the make up I was wearing off.... I was very suprised how much they embraced being natural, and it was super uplifting. So did I tell you that this was the first photoshoot I ever did in my life (besides forced family pictures)??! I thought I was going to be way more nervous but they made me feel so comfortable and sexy <3 My first set didn't get purchased, but I understand since my cheek piercings were super angry, and my tan was ultra fake looking. But oh boy it was a life changing experience <3
When I got my set back from Brooklyn, I realized that I am capable of self-love even when the circumstances are negative. I was in a lot of emotional pain but it came out so beautifully, I never saw myself to be this pretty or that I had booty powers that could change the world :P Some people's reactions when my set came out were very positive, my good friends were very proud of me. However there were many people who had a negative response. I live in a VERRRRYYY small conservative town. Someone got a hold of my pictures and emailed my mother with all of my nude photos, she was very angry with me, and my dad disowned me for a year.... it was very hard for me, it was always emotionally exhausting for me to disappoint my parents, but that wasn't hard to do. A lot of people started calling me any name that meant I was a slut... and said that I was fat and shouldnt model.... everything that I feared started getting thrown in my face. I started to struggle with pill addictions to numb the pain, and all of the negativity coming at me. Well I stopped feeling sorry for myself and got clean. I needed to try to become an SG again.... and come out even stronger. Prove all these people who didnt believe in me wrong.
I went with more friends to another shootfest with Brooklyn shortly after I became clean from opiates. It was in the gorgeous town of Woodstock, NY. Such a beautiful place. There we shot a set that made me go pink.
This set really set the bar for how I started treating myself. These pictures showcased my curves in the best of ways and it made the journey of self love a lot better. Becoming pink and watching my profile go from hopeful to pink was such a crazy experience!!!! I could not believe I MADE MY DREAMS COME TRUE. That in itself made me feel so strong and opened my mind to all of the possibilities of my other goals in life. Soon my mom started accepting my self expression and my father and I started to mend our relationship again, they both noticed a difference in me that was positive.
I then ventured and changed my hair color completely. BLACK HAIR, hahah I never thought I would have the courage to do that, but here I am after working with @alissa and @sunshine with two sets that expressed my dark side <3
Cross Bones Style by @alissa
and At Sunset with @sunshine
I met so many lovely ladies in the SG OHIO scene, the ladies were so nice and welcoming to me there too!!! <3
From there I wanted to become more involved so I attended Hell City Columbus and met even more lovely ladies and got to work the SG booth for the first time <3 (I missed my blonde hair so I went back to the light side)
Then my hair went even more the fun side #purpleteam
Shot a set in my hometown on the lake, it was my first time being naked outside<3
Chautauquawith @thelabrat
I'm going to start to try to shorten this blog because I know it's probably getting too lengthy ....
Shootfest #woodstockny is where I met one of my best friends @bittersweet SHE IS SO WONDERFUL, and we've been super close ever since
Violet Sunset by @brooklyn
SUCH A GORGEOUS HOUSE WITH GORGEOUS LADIESSSSSSSSS
And coming to MR in two months......
"PASTEL" by @alissa
Anyways, you get the picture about the sets.....
so how have I grown since I first joined SG?
I'm here to tell you that I can't remember the last time I cried because of my weight. I'm here to tell you that my heart has grown larger and stronger. I'm here to tell you that I can't remember the last time I fasted or starved myself. I'm here to tell you I'm here, I am mentally and physically healthy for the first time in my life. I'm here to tell you I am recovered from anorexia and drug abuse. I've grown to love my body, my mind, and my soul. My parents appreciate me for who I am, and encourage me to continue. I am here to tell you I have grown so much with SG. This journey may not be for everyone but it has shaped me into such a strong and beautiful person.
I adore each and every one of you who have been a part of my journey. I encourage other ladies and gents to be part of it too. I am so thankful for you and I am so thankful that I am here to tell you that I am full of life, light, and love.
So many opportunities have been given to me these past few years, and I can't wait to journey even further.
Next month I will be moving into my first apartment.
By this time next year I will be living somewhere on the west coast with my room mate.
Life is so beautiful and so are the people in it <3 LOVE YOU ALL TO BITS AND PIECES
