First of all, i'm sorry for dropping off of the face of the planet!
I didn't just become MIA on social media platforms, i did the same in my day to day life. Not intentionally to begin with, i just felt i needed a little distance and before i knew it i was craving it. It was exactly what i needed!
My life for quite some time now has been somewhat like trying to start an old car, it's coughs and splutters, comes to life for a fleeting moment and then almost completely falls apart, and repeat. But of course with time, attention and a whole lot of loving it is possible to fix even the sometimes seemingly unrevivable, breathing life back into its weary heart.
I could waffle endless about what caused me to fall apart in the first place, the journeys i took which wore down a spider web of parts in me and how I came to weave the threads back together. But i've done a lot of reliving and focusing on past and painful events in order to learn from them, and if you don't mind, I don't want to get too gritty. My story in reality is not unlike many others, tales of heartbreak, betrayal, abandonment, abuse, manipulation, fear, failure, a large dose of old fashioned bad luck and living with a mind that for a large part seemed hell bent at working against not with me.
I wish i could pinpoint all the exact crucial moments that started to reshape my mind into what I always knew it was capable of being, but it's exactly like something i read when my mind was as clear as mud, 'It will happen slowly, then all of a sudden.'
I like to think of it like a puzzle that someone stole the picture reference for, you add piece by piece and when you have enough parts to make out the picture, the rest is easy. Yes i love my analogies dearly! ^.~
That being said, i'm fully aware of what the biggest weapon in my arsenal is, Acceptance. It may sound easy due to the simplicity of the word, if not just outright boring but with this firmly in my mind it's the trail of thought that brings me to the doorstep of peace. Without true acceptance, the feeling of doubt, fear, turmoil, and injustice (to name a few) are free to run amok. When you accept things as they are or as they have been, truly accept it.
Rather than using a personal example lets use a much more, if not the most common key thing acceptance needs to be used for, Death. Not a nice subject to many, why? we fear it (for very good reason) we slightly know it will happen, I say slightly because unless you've truly accepted it then its far more of a general thought then a firm believe. If you focus on death, the inevitability of it and truly accept it for what it is then the fear attached to it disappears. Why fear something that will no matter what you do happen anyway? accept it for what it is and the lessons it can offer. When your fear is gone a sense of peace seems to slip neatly into it's place. Now don't get me wrong danger and fear are two very different things entirely, one will keep you alive, the other will keep you from truly living.
Now you can probably tell i've treaded quite lightly around this as i know this can be a sore subject for most, but look past that to what i'm trying to explain and what philosophers would scoff at me for simplifying it as much as i have.
So now i feel more peaceful and clear headed i'm looking forward to the things i've always wanted to do but before was too afraid to. I have a quite a few exciting things i have in mind for this new year and no it's not because it's the 'new year, new me bullshit' This journey has taken me far longer than an evening of minor reflection on one year to accomplish! ^.~ it just so happens that i feel like i've really solidified my mind onto the tracks i've always wanted to follow and i do find it nice to have a fresh now year to push forward to.
So why have i come back here? what do i hope to achieve?
Enjoyment, i'm here because i want to, it's just that simple. Ah thats actually nudges me onto another waffle! Can i keep your attention a wee bit longer? ^.~ Now i'm almost certain i would have mentioned my battle with ill mental health before as i make no attempt to hide it, it's a part of me i couldn't hide even if i wanted to. Now this chemical imbalance to well, simplify it down, made my brain think a whole world of different ways then it does now, but unfortunately me trying to explain it is like trying to explain a slightly memorable dream you had some time ago. You know the gist but the details are far from clear.
Anyway, my brain would go at a million miles an hour, so fast and intense in fact i suffered from what felt like a never ending headache. It would explode at the smallest of things, someone would say or do something and it would analyse it from almost all angles, i say almost because of course it was from all the wrong ones.
Now when something happens that would have normally set me off into a downward spiral usually resulting in me trying to find comfort in substances, i now break it down the best I can into it's simplest form. I think of the problem and limit myself to conceiving a handful of solutions, the key for me is to look at the problem subjectively as if it was someone else, because otherwise i would be fixated on the problems and see more then there was to it. Then pair that with acceptance of the problem and not dwelling on what is already done or what is yet to come, i have for the first time, maybe even ever that i feel peace.
Now simplifying this all down even further, you change your thoughts, you change your world.
Repetition, resilience (if not just outright stubbornness), and patients are probably the cornerstones of how i've come so far. I share this because i want to, and because if it can provide a measure of peace, or stir a thought in someone's mind that leads them to feeling a little relief, then the thought alone brings me happiness.
Now all this because said, and if what i say or how i look is of any interest for you then i look forward to crossing paths more in the future! ^.~
Peace
x
