A friend was talking to me last night about the subtle ethics of innocent-seeming questions people ask her as a massage therapist.
I was really stunned by the implications of seemingly simple and innocuous questions:
"Where are you from?"
"Are you married?"
"Do you have kids?"
It's hard NOT to pry when you have no idea about other peoples' lives, especially when they are living so-called "alternative lifestyles" (queer, polyamorous, etc.).
All the same, if the answers aren't simple, it can cause the other person to rightfully freeze in fear, suspicion, or resentment. Or bring the ugly clash of cultures to the forefront.
I'm still a little angry and uncomfortable just thinking about the complicated and convoluted mess of trying to get to know someone that you don't immediately "click" with or, as I like to say, recognize as a member of your tribe.
I used to think I was too weird for other people to get, or that there was something wrong with me.
I just hated that I couldn't take small talk with strangers for granted.
I disliked other people for being too conservative or close-minded to treat me gently.
Now I'm beginning to see that it's often me - I don't WANT to get to know many people.
*I* can't relate to them.
*I* don't feel comfortable.
*I* can't tolerate the tension and the ambiguity, the judgements, the reconciling of worldviews.
That's just what the experience is like for me.
I think I can be okay with that after all.
If we get each other, then we get each other - else try me again in 10 years and see how I've grown.
I was really stunned by the implications of seemingly simple and innocuous questions:
"Where are you from?"
"Are you married?"
"Do you have kids?"
It's hard NOT to pry when you have no idea about other peoples' lives, especially when they are living so-called "alternative lifestyles" (queer, polyamorous, etc.).
All the same, if the answers aren't simple, it can cause the other person to rightfully freeze in fear, suspicion, or resentment. Or bring the ugly clash of cultures to the forefront.
I'm still a little angry and uncomfortable just thinking about the complicated and convoluted mess of trying to get to know someone that you don't immediately "click" with or, as I like to say, recognize as a member of your tribe.
I used to think I was too weird for other people to get, or that there was something wrong with me.
I just hated that I couldn't take small talk with strangers for granted.
I disliked other people for being too conservative or close-minded to treat me gently.
Now I'm beginning to see that it's often me - I don't WANT to get to know many people.
*I* can't relate to them.
*I* don't feel comfortable.
*I* can't tolerate the tension and the ambiguity, the judgements, the reconciling of worldviews.
That's just what the experience is like for me.
I think I can be okay with that after all.
If we get each other, then we get each other - else try me again in 10 years and see how I've grown.