Because I didn't know enough assholes in real life
All right, online gamers. I've given you the benefit of the doubt. I've tried several times to give it a go in your little world. I say now that with the exception of almost two people, you have succeeded in fulfilling every single stereotype that the world of people who get laid has ever attached to you.
For those of you not dorky enough to be familiar with this phenomenon (but you are dorky enough to have an internet blog, so don't go spending all your cool points yet, tough guy), online gaming involves the playing of video games with other humans who, as luck would have it, are the same people that populate the semen covered world of the internet. Because of this relation, many of you are already familiar with the negatives of interacting with an anonymous crowd.
Now I know what most of you are thinking. "Zak, your glowing description of this fantastic experience has peeked my curiosity. What things do I need to keep in mind should I ever wish to try it?"
Well, my first suggestion would be to immediately schedule an appointment with your dentist. I garuantee that it will be far more entertaining and you can at least punch the dentist if it looks like he's getting too excited about torturing you. My second suggestion would be to ask yourself one question: do you enjoy posting on the boards? If the answer is "no", then stay far, far away from online gaming. The same rules apply there as they do on the boards. Those rules of course being "If you are a man, people will insult you. If you are a woman, people will try to have sex with you."
I should warn you that some, if not most of the people aren't actually there to enjoy the game. Those people are there for the sole purpose of being ranked in some grand scheme to gain the approval and admiration of the demagraphic that made bukkake popular. In keeping with my message board comparison, this is similar to the people who post nothing of substance for the purpose of upping their post count. I know how easy it is question the value of your own life when interacting with someone who has a higher post count, but usually it just results in a less than stimulating exchange of ideas. The same applies to online gaming. I bought the fucking game because I want to enjoy it, not because I like getting called a stupid faggot by a twelve year old who exploits glitches just so people know that he killed me more times than I killed him.
That brings me to the other huge draw: internet tough guys. You all know at least one of them. Someone that says whatever they want because they are protected by the fact that no matter how much they are begging to get fucking beaten, no one short of the Secret Service can actually do it. I was actually told by someone in a voice that conjured images of Mickey Mouse being shoved up someone's ass that they wanted to "cut my faggot throat". Anyone that knows me can agree that while I may not be tough, a twelve year old wouldn't stand a chance against me. But this kid had no way of knowing that, and telling him as much wouldn't have done any good. In this instance, one can only inspire fear by using what seems to bother them the most: gays. Never underestimate the proper and constant usage of words like "girlfriend", "sweetie", "fabulous", and, in the right context, "rocket launcher". This tactic has a 100% success rate in making these assholes uncomfortable enough to shut the fuck up for ten seconds. This also goes a long way in explaining my new username FagButt_DickMilker.
All right, online gamers. I've given you the benefit of the doubt. I've tried several times to give it a go in your little world. I say now that with the exception of almost two people, you have succeeded in fulfilling every single stereotype that the world of people who get laid has ever attached to you.
For those of you not dorky enough to be familiar with this phenomenon (but you are dorky enough to have an internet blog, so don't go spending all your cool points yet, tough guy), online gaming involves the playing of video games with other humans who, as luck would have it, are the same people that populate the semen covered world of the internet. Because of this relation, many of you are already familiar with the negatives of interacting with an anonymous crowd.
Now I know what most of you are thinking. "Zak, your glowing description of this fantastic experience has peeked my curiosity. What things do I need to keep in mind should I ever wish to try it?"
Well, my first suggestion would be to immediately schedule an appointment with your dentist. I garuantee that it will be far more entertaining and you can at least punch the dentist if it looks like he's getting too excited about torturing you. My second suggestion would be to ask yourself one question: do you enjoy posting on the boards? If the answer is "no", then stay far, far away from online gaming. The same rules apply there as they do on the boards. Those rules of course being "If you are a man, people will insult you. If you are a woman, people will try to have sex with you."
I should warn you that some, if not most of the people aren't actually there to enjoy the game. Those people are there for the sole purpose of being ranked in some grand scheme to gain the approval and admiration of the demagraphic that made bukkake popular. In keeping with my message board comparison, this is similar to the people who post nothing of substance for the purpose of upping their post count. I know how easy it is question the value of your own life when interacting with someone who has a higher post count, but usually it just results in a less than stimulating exchange of ideas. The same applies to online gaming. I bought the fucking game because I want to enjoy it, not because I like getting called a stupid faggot by a twelve year old who exploits glitches just so people know that he killed me more times than I killed him.
That brings me to the other huge draw: internet tough guys. You all know at least one of them. Someone that says whatever they want because they are protected by the fact that no matter how much they are begging to get fucking beaten, no one short of the Secret Service can actually do it. I was actually told by someone in a voice that conjured images of Mickey Mouse being shoved up someone's ass that they wanted to "cut my faggot throat". Anyone that knows me can agree that while I may not be tough, a twelve year old wouldn't stand a chance against me. But this kid had no way of knowing that, and telling him as much wouldn't have done any good. In this instance, one can only inspire fear by using what seems to bother them the most: gays. Never underestimate the proper and constant usage of words like "girlfriend", "sweetie", "fabulous", and, in the right context, "rocket launcher". This tactic has a 100% success rate in making these assholes uncomfortable enough to shut the fuck up for ten seconds. This also goes a long way in explaining my new username FagButt_DickMilker.
VIEW 25 of 141 COMMENTS
you say that to all the girls.
How is it that you're an SG?
http://suicidegirls.com/girls/UnnecessaryZ/342142/
as opposed to
http://suicidegirls.com/members/UnnecessaryZ/
??
Is there some magical gender bending world of SG that i'm unnaware of?
Meh... Quite an interesting attempt at superhero-dom. What you forgot to do was wear your underwear on the outside and come up with a Superhero name for yourself. Then it would have worked.
All in all, i'm usually more responsive as well. But moving sucks. Well, moving out of the crackhouse i'm living in rocks. But moving for the 17th+ time in the past 6 years sucks. SG is only a passing thing in between truckloads of stuff here and there. Maybe i'll be a little more aware of my friends list when the move is over.