unnecessaryz

Does this Chip on My Shoulder Make Me Look Fat?

What the fuck is wrong with everyone? Don't they realize that every day their opinions go unheard, the assholes in the world attain more and more power? Now don't get too excited there, lefty. I'm not talking about corporate power struggles or fighting for a better government. I'm talking about the little everyday assholes that live in our neighborhoods and shop at our stores. The ones that make even the most peaceful individuals think, if only for a second, that maybe violence CAN solve certain things.

This has been a banner year for the assholes. Face-to-face non-confrontational behavior is at an all time high, with passive aggressiveness coming in at a close second. Assholes are running around virtually unchecked and engaging in previously unheard of amounts of old woman seat stealing, trying to make cashiers look stupid in front of everyone, and threatening McDonald's legally savvy fry cooks with lawsuits. And I'm almost certain I read reports of a devastating South Asian hurricane whose humble origin was that of a frustrated sigh from a subway commuter that got upset when she looked down the tunnel and didn't see her train coming thirty seconds after the last time she checked.

Enter me. Seemingly one of the last in a short line of dying equalizers. Some people may get the impression that I'm a bit of an asshole. This couldn't be further from the truth. In general, I'm a pretty stand-up guy that gets personally offended if you're somehow not having a good time. But when faced with an asshole, I do what I can to fight fire with fire. Some people would disagree with this method of conflict resolution, but a rare quote from one of history's greatest thinkers, Socrates, supports my actions:

"If you tell a laughing child to shut up, you're an asshole. If you tell said asshole to shut up, you're a god damn hero."

The problem I have right now is not enough people are doing their part to keep these assholes in line. For example: I was in a club in Philadelphia waiting at the head of the line for the restroom. A woman walked past all of us and checked the door. When she found it locked, she stayed right where she was, all the while looking at me like I was some creep who enjoyed hanging out by bathrooms with fifteen tightly regimented friends. I suggested to her that she may have missed the big-ass line starting directly behind me, and that I would forgive her if she disappeared into it. Thirty seconds later, a guy walked up and did the same thing and he was treated in a similar manner. The guy behind me, although unable to say anything to these assholes, complimented me on my tenacious behavior.

I looked at him with a raised eyebrow and said "Well, you would have done the same thing. Right?"

The guy shrugged and sayed "People like that are clueless. It's easier just to let them go."

I said "You mean, you would have let two people blatantly cut in front of you just because you didn't want any trouble? Man, that's why people like that get away with the crap they pull. They know there's a 90% chance the person they're screwing will be someone like you."

I know, it was a harsh lesson, but how is the man ever suppose to learn how to fish if he thinks I'm always going to feed him?

This brings us to yesterday; Bank of America. I'm once again waiting in a line. I was prepared for this wait because, surprise, it was fucking lunch time! Everyone wants to take care of their banking and most of the tellers are away for an hour. Located directly behind me is an old asshole. Old assholes are a difficult breed to handle properly because they believe their behavior is some kind of age-related mandate. Like they automatically earned the right to be pissy as soon as their joints started being able to predict the weather. Through the duration of my ten minute wait, this woman can't shut up about the lack of tellers. She can't seem to quite wrap her head around the idea that these mere humans still require the need to fuel their bodies by consuming an external energy source that doesn't come from a doctor's prescription. It gets to the point where she starts shouting "Next!" as soon as a teller opens up, giving the next person in line no chance to space out and not notice. My time comes and I'm ready. All I'm doing is cashing a check, so my business consists of signing it and getting my money. As soon as I get to the window and ask for a pen, I hear "And then you got people like that who wait until they get to the window to do something they should have been doing in line!"

Defenses are immediately brought online and primed for counter-attack.

I knew were it came from, but I deliberately turned around slowly so that I could look up and down the entire line, just so the people knew I wasn't messing around. Then my eyes met hers and locked for what hopefully seemed like an eternity for her. After I glimpse a slight twitch in her eye, I calmly say "If you're the kind of person that endorses a check before you get to the window, then not only are you a loud-mouthed asshole, you're a dumb loud-mouthed asshole."

I can't say if it was the right thing to do, but if my message registered on her brain even for a moment, then I consider it a victory for asshole survivors the world over.