Chronicles of Riddick
Come on. You knew it was bound to happen.
I think it would be unfair to this movie and others like it if I didn't tell you right now that I love it when they do well at the box office. I think it's fucking awesome. If I was a teacher at a film school, I'd probably be fired about five seconds into my first class when the administration found out my first lesson plan was called "Summer Blockbusters are the Fucking WAY!" You can learn a lot about a person by watching how they react to this type of entertainment. I guarantee that I could classify an entire room of people based on one screening of Con-Air. But I'm getting off the point. The point is that some day I, if you're lucky, am going to be the one making movies just like Chronicles of Riddick.
Let's just take a look at the stats that combine to make this film a whole. I've decided to take the elements of the movie and rate them on a scale from 1 to 10. 1 being normal and 10 being Riddick-ulous!*
- The names of people and places: 10!
Obviously the name Riddick itself is a name only frat boys would think is cool, but the filmmakers outdid themselves with everything else. I was pretty amused when I heard the names Scales, Scalp Taker, and the name of Riddick's race, the Furions (that explains why he's so angry!), but nothing could have prepared me for the coup de rad. A planet so hot and deadly, it could only be named... Crematoria! I could only be thankful that no one was sitting in front of me when I heard that because the seat was soon covered in roughly ten gallons of soda and my spit.
- Dialogue: 10!!
Most of the script is dedicated to letting us know how fucking bad Riddick is, both morally and figuratively. For some reason I think it was important to the creators that we thought Riddick was irredeemably evil. It totally doesn't work though since even a moderately intelligent person would never describe him as anything more than a grumpy teady-bear that knows karate. Shit, that almost describes me, and I know for a fact that I'm not dangerous enough to wind up in a prison on motha' fuckin' Creamatoria. Anyway, yeah. Most of the dialogue consists of stuff like "He's the most powerful man I've ever laid eyes on!" or "This is why he's the most powerful man I've ever laid eyes on!" or "There's no way to stop the most powerful man that anyone has ever laid eyes on!" The writer makes it easier on both us and the actors by using the same dialogue to describe both Riddick and the villain...who rules the Necromongers!
- Story and Plot: 10!!!
This script just screams "Hi! I was written ten years ago and was only recently purchased for the sole purpose of letting the new Riddick franchise smear its poisonous seed across my face!" The back-story for the villains is so pathetically vague that no one will even remember exactly who was standing behind Riddick in all those scenes where he was speaking slowly through several layers of baby-oil. Fortunately for you and unfortunately for my dreams, I remember. The Lord Marshal is leader of the Necromongers. The Necromongers follow him because he's seen the Necro-verse which is something no one has ever done before and for some reason it's a good enough reason to make them want to kill things for him. Also, visiting the Necro-verse has made him half ghost or some shit. All I know is he's the most powerful man anyone has ever laid eyes on! Eventually these guys try to kill Riddick and this motivates him to break shit and dramatically take his goggles off...a lot.
As if this movie didn't already have it ALL, we get bonus meaningless moments including: Meaningless fight with space monsters, a meaningless band of bounty hunters, and a meaningless trip to a dangerous planet to rescue a meaningless character. I can't wait to buy the DVD and see what they left out!
*Fuck you.
Come on. You knew it was bound to happen.
I think it would be unfair to this movie and others like it if I didn't tell you right now that I love it when they do well at the box office. I think it's fucking awesome. If I was a teacher at a film school, I'd probably be fired about five seconds into my first class when the administration found out my first lesson plan was called "Summer Blockbusters are the Fucking WAY!" You can learn a lot about a person by watching how they react to this type of entertainment. I guarantee that I could classify an entire room of people based on one screening of Con-Air. But I'm getting off the point. The point is that some day I, if you're lucky, am going to be the one making movies just like Chronicles of Riddick.
Let's just take a look at the stats that combine to make this film a whole. I've decided to take the elements of the movie and rate them on a scale from 1 to 10. 1 being normal and 10 being Riddick-ulous!*
- The names of people and places: 10!
Obviously the name Riddick itself is a name only frat boys would think is cool, but the filmmakers outdid themselves with everything else. I was pretty amused when I heard the names Scales, Scalp Taker, and the name of Riddick's race, the Furions (that explains why he's so angry!), but nothing could have prepared me for the coup de rad. A planet so hot and deadly, it could only be named... Crematoria! I could only be thankful that no one was sitting in front of me when I heard that because the seat was soon covered in roughly ten gallons of soda and my spit.
- Dialogue: 10!!
Most of the script is dedicated to letting us know how fucking bad Riddick is, both morally and figuratively. For some reason I think it was important to the creators that we thought Riddick was irredeemably evil. It totally doesn't work though since even a moderately intelligent person would never describe him as anything more than a grumpy teady-bear that knows karate. Shit, that almost describes me, and I know for a fact that I'm not dangerous enough to wind up in a prison on motha' fuckin' Creamatoria. Anyway, yeah. Most of the dialogue consists of stuff like "He's the most powerful man I've ever laid eyes on!" or "This is why he's the most powerful man I've ever laid eyes on!" or "There's no way to stop the most powerful man that anyone has ever laid eyes on!" The writer makes it easier on both us and the actors by using the same dialogue to describe both Riddick and the villain...who rules the Necromongers!
- Story and Plot: 10!!!
This script just screams "Hi! I was written ten years ago and was only recently purchased for the sole purpose of letting the new Riddick franchise smear its poisonous seed across my face!" The back-story for the villains is so pathetically vague that no one will even remember exactly who was standing behind Riddick in all those scenes where he was speaking slowly through several layers of baby-oil. Fortunately for you and unfortunately for my dreams, I remember. The Lord Marshal is leader of the Necromongers. The Necromongers follow him because he's seen the Necro-verse which is something no one has ever done before and for some reason it's a good enough reason to make them want to kill things for him. Also, visiting the Necro-verse has made him half ghost or some shit. All I know is he's the most powerful man anyone has ever laid eyes on! Eventually these guys try to kill Riddick and this motivates him to break shit and dramatically take his goggles off...a lot.
As if this movie didn't already have it ALL, we get bonus meaningless moments including: Meaningless fight with space monsters, a meaningless band of bounty hunters, and a meaningless trip to a dangerous planet to rescue a meaningless character. I can't wait to buy the DVD and see what they left out!
*Fuck you.
VIEW 25 of 40 COMMENTS
i totally forgot about those white girls on the train the other night
i love you man 'cause we keep it real Queens style...even if you hogged all the Lay's last night