From now on everything in my life, no matter what shape or form, will be required to withstand a rigorous comparison process against the might of Van Helsing. A process now refered to in my official science notebook as Van Booya. If Van Helsing was the most beautiful woman in the world that you would do anything to make happy, then, according to my latest test results, everything else in the world is a five dollar handjob from your neighborhood crack ho. "So what makes this movie so fucking awesome, you self-riteous shithead?!" many of you are no doubt asking while turning your mouse into a crumpled ball of plastic. Well, I'll tell ya, you impatient bitch.
Going back to the hot chick analogy I was using so well before, pretend for a second that you, despite your current chromosome count, are a beautiful woman. Van Helsing is a potential suitor that is somewhat lacking in social grace. Or in this case, a good story, acting, or dialouge that doesn't makes your mind leak shit into your ears in a desperate attempt to block it. But, as a man, it knows that in order to win your favor, it must keep you away from anything that could possibly prevent you from noticing it. In most cases, this would be a more stimulating man. In this case, it's your brain! The film already knows that it has little to no game, so it grabs your attention with an explosion! Then some monsters! Then another explosion... If this were a man you were meeting for the first time, he would have just cartwheeled his way into your life while juggling flaming bowling pins and squirt you in the face with a novelty flower. Charming? No. But he has successfully drawn your attention from that better looking guy...your brain! So everytime you start to notice that cute little charmer lurking in the background...your brain...Van Helsing knows that it's time to blast you in the face with another monster! How is your brain suppose to compete when it's being assaulted by three wolfmen, a billion Draculas, and fuckin' Frankenstein? I'll tell you how. It can't! So yeah. Go see that movie, because thinking is for stupids.
In other news, the amazing rockstar jason was instrumental in my awesome day Tuesday. He was on the guestlist for Pefect Circle's private party. I didn't even realize who it was for until we decided to leave, but they had mermaids swimming behind the bar, and that's rarely enjoyed by land mamals. After that, we went to a cancer benefit concert for his friend that was hosted by David Cross. We were VIPs, but there wasn't anything very VIP to do other than sit behind some velvet ropes. None of that even matters though because jason's number was drawn in the raffle which earned him a music video collection...which included DOKKEN. He awesomely split it with me. Chan Marshal from Cat Power also made out with his friend, but I missed it. Goodnight.
Going back to the hot chick analogy I was using so well before, pretend for a second that you, despite your current chromosome count, are a beautiful woman. Van Helsing is a potential suitor that is somewhat lacking in social grace. Or in this case, a good story, acting, or dialouge that doesn't makes your mind leak shit into your ears in a desperate attempt to block it. But, as a man, it knows that in order to win your favor, it must keep you away from anything that could possibly prevent you from noticing it. In most cases, this would be a more stimulating man. In this case, it's your brain! The film already knows that it has little to no game, so it grabs your attention with an explosion! Then some monsters! Then another explosion... If this were a man you were meeting for the first time, he would have just cartwheeled his way into your life while juggling flaming bowling pins and squirt you in the face with a novelty flower. Charming? No. But he has successfully drawn your attention from that better looking guy...your brain! So everytime you start to notice that cute little charmer lurking in the background...your brain...Van Helsing knows that it's time to blast you in the face with another monster! How is your brain suppose to compete when it's being assaulted by three wolfmen, a billion Draculas, and fuckin' Frankenstein? I'll tell you how. It can't! So yeah. Go see that movie, because thinking is for stupids.
In other news, the amazing rockstar jason was instrumental in my awesome day Tuesday. He was on the guestlist for Pefect Circle's private party. I didn't even realize who it was for until we decided to leave, but they had mermaids swimming behind the bar, and that's rarely enjoyed by land mamals. After that, we went to a cancer benefit concert for his friend that was hosted by David Cross. We were VIPs, but there wasn't anything very VIP to do other than sit behind some velvet ropes. None of that even matters though because jason's number was drawn in the raffle which earned him a music video collection...which included DOKKEN. He awesomely split it with me. Chan Marshal from Cat Power also made out with his friend, but I missed it. Goodnight.
VIEW 20 of 20 COMMENTS
legionnaire:
Nice - is that on cartoon network? Finally, for the first time in my life, as of last week I actually have cartoon network. So I'll try and find it. I'm also looking forward to being able to watch Samurai Jack.
ekim:
You say "hand job from a five dollor crack hoe" like its a bad thing 