ENTERTAINMENT RECOMMENDATIONS
THINGS THAT WILL PROBABLY MAKE YOU HATE ME IF YOU DIDN'T ALREADY!
Since the dawn of human history, the cosmic balance of world-class cynics has been maintained by three universal truths:
1. Happy people don't get along with cynics.
2. Cynics don't get along with each other.
3. Cynics can not be entertained in the normal sense of the word "entertainment".
What makes these truths so? 1. happy people are generally ignorant dipshits. 2. when cynics are together, they remind each other how depressing everything really is through an unspoken understanding, and 3. the things most people find entertaining would be found, at best, heart seizingly retarded by a cynic. Don't misunderstand. Cynics aren't assholes. Assholes are a product of society. Cynics, on the other hand, are products of culture.
For me, personally, I like things that most people like. I just like them for different reasons. Just so you have an idea of what the hell I'm talking about, I'm going to present you with the dumb shit that's been entertaining me lately and why I find them so amusing.
First up: Movies!
- There's been nothing out lately that I've wanted to see. But the wealth of shit-tastic movies coming soon has me making fierce love to the edge of my seat. First of all, Van Helsing. Jesus fucking Christ Van Helsing. The only word I can come up with to describe this movie that is equal parts positive and negative is "rad". I like to think that any production meeting with Stephen Sommers - captain of the cruise ship known as the SS Shitty Movies - sounded a little like "Who is this Dr. Frankenstein? Frankenstein wasn't a doctor! He was a monster, you dumbasses! And why the fuck can't I find any pictures of the real Van Helsing holding a machine gun?" So yeah, I'm probably going to see this.
Next up: Video Games!
- Right now, it only takes two games to satiate every emotional need I have: Fight Night 2004 and Hitman: Contracts.
Fight night is amazing because it gives me the chance to create an overweight Irish boxer with a mullet and unicorn tattoos and take him all the way to the world championship. As an added bonus, people hate it when I clobber their own gorgeous fighters with such a visually unappealing mess that goes by the name of Drunkens McTavish.
Hitman: Contracts is a must buy for anyone who would rather forgo the mind numbingly repetitive task of shooting everyone in sight for the sick pleasure of beating a dunken aristocrat to death with a pool cue, then trucking upstairs to smother his father with a pillow and pop a cap in his mistress while she's showering. Whew. Some other highlights so far include: filling a mark's tatoo ink with rat poison so he dies halfway through his work as I casually stroll out of town, paying a stripper to distract a thug while I bug his car, and pouring ex-lax into a mark's borscht so I could execute him in the midst of his uncontrollable shit storm. The graphics aren't that great, but fuck you if you're the kind of person who would take eye candy over something as awesome as what I just described. You could say "well, can't I have them both?" but a true cynic knows such things are impossible.
Finally: Books!
- One would think that with all the virtual worlds I'm dominating, I would hardly have time to actually read a book. What you don't know about me is that I ride the train and shit a lot. I devour books in under a week under those two conditions alone.
I finally got around to reading some Neal Stephenson at the behest of many, many nerds. Snow Crash is exactly the kind of book a hyper-kinetic person like me needed. Not so much a story as a collection of a lot of really kick ass ideas, which coincidentally is exactly the way I describe my life to anyone who cares to listen. So to sum it up, if you like the idea of two worlds - one real one virtual - teaming with hackers, perverts, skateboarders, Japanese warriors, grim reaper programs, the mafia, glam rockers and eskimos, then you'll be hard pressed to find a book other than Snow Crash to fulfill your freaky-ass tastes.
I also picked up American Gods. In addition to being amazing, it is amazingly similar to an idea I was developing for a future screenplay. The premise involves the physical manifestations of gods, old and new, living and coping in a land that doesn't want them. It makes me cry everytime I think about it because it was done so much better than what I had so far. This isn't the first time I've come up with an idea only to find Neil Gaiman had already done it a billion years ago. I've now revised my creative process to include Step 1: putting Neil Gaiman on ice.
THINGS THAT WILL PROBABLY MAKE YOU HATE ME IF YOU DIDN'T ALREADY!
Since the dawn of human history, the cosmic balance of world-class cynics has been maintained by three universal truths:
1. Happy people don't get along with cynics.
2. Cynics don't get along with each other.
3. Cynics can not be entertained in the normal sense of the word "entertainment".
What makes these truths so? 1. happy people are generally ignorant dipshits. 2. when cynics are together, they remind each other how depressing everything really is through an unspoken understanding, and 3. the things most people find entertaining would be found, at best, heart seizingly retarded by a cynic. Don't misunderstand. Cynics aren't assholes. Assholes are a product of society. Cynics, on the other hand, are products of culture.
For me, personally, I like things that most people like. I just like them for different reasons. Just so you have an idea of what the hell I'm talking about, I'm going to present you with the dumb shit that's been entertaining me lately and why I find them so amusing.
First up: Movies!
- There's been nothing out lately that I've wanted to see. But the wealth of shit-tastic movies coming soon has me making fierce love to the edge of my seat. First of all, Van Helsing. Jesus fucking Christ Van Helsing. The only word I can come up with to describe this movie that is equal parts positive and negative is "rad". I like to think that any production meeting with Stephen Sommers - captain of the cruise ship known as the SS Shitty Movies - sounded a little like "Who is this Dr. Frankenstein? Frankenstein wasn't a doctor! He was a monster, you dumbasses! And why the fuck can't I find any pictures of the real Van Helsing holding a machine gun?" So yeah, I'm probably going to see this.
Next up: Video Games!
- Right now, it only takes two games to satiate every emotional need I have: Fight Night 2004 and Hitman: Contracts.
Fight night is amazing because it gives me the chance to create an overweight Irish boxer with a mullet and unicorn tattoos and take him all the way to the world championship. As an added bonus, people hate it when I clobber their own gorgeous fighters with such a visually unappealing mess that goes by the name of Drunkens McTavish.
Hitman: Contracts is a must buy for anyone who would rather forgo the mind numbingly repetitive task of shooting everyone in sight for the sick pleasure of beating a dunken aristocrat to death with a pool cue, then trucking upstairs to smother his father with a pillow and pop a cap in his mistress while she's showering. Whew. Some other highlights so far include: filling a mark's tatoo ink with rat poison so he dies halfway through his work as I casually stroll out of town, paying a stripper to distract a thug while I bug his car, and pouring ex-lax into a mark's borscht so I could execute him in the midst of his uncontrollable shit storm. The graphics aren't that great, but fuck you if you're the kind of person who would take eye candy over something as awesome as what I just described. You could say "well, can't I have them both?" but a true cynic knows such things are impossible.
Finally: Books!
- One would think that with all the virtual worlds I'm dominating, I would hardly have time to actually read a book. What you don't know about me is that I ride the train and shit a lot. I devour books in under a week under those two conditions alone.
I finally got around to reading some Neal Stephenson at the behest of many, many nerds. Snow Crash is exactly the kind of book a hyper-kinetic person like me needed. Not so much a story as a collection of a lot of really kick ass ideas, which coincidentally is exactly the way I describe my life to anyone who cares to listen. So to sum it up, if you like the idea of two worlds - one real one virtual - teaming with hackers, perverts, skateboarders, Japanese warriors, grim reaper programs, the mafia, glam rockers and eskimos, then you'll be hard pressed to find a book other than Snow Crash to fulfill your freaky-ass tastes.
I also picked up American Gods. In addition to being amazing, it is amazingly similar to an idea I was developing for a future screenplay. The premise involves the physical manifestations of gods, old and new, living and coping in a land that doesn't want them. It makes me cry everytime I think about it because it was done so much better than what I had so far. This isn't the first time I've come up with an idea only to find Neil Gaiman had already done it a billion years ago. I've now revised my creative process to include Step 1: putting Neil Gaiman on ice.
VIEW 25 of 61 COMMENTS
fucking good one...you rock.