DAWN OF THE BETTER THAN AVERAGE REMAKE
I remember a time when I thought the world couldn't get any shittier. In response, the world decided to tie me down and force me to watch as it lovingly hired George Romero to write and direct a film adaptation of Resident Evil, a game admittedly inspired by his zombie movies, then hilariously fire him in exchange for the guy who directed Mortal Kombat. Touche, Earth, but you've just been kicked in the crotch, which I believe can be found roughly around Australia.
From start to finish, Dawn of the Dead is a two hour love letter to Earth's down-under crotch zone. To be fair, it wouldn't have taken much for me to enjoy the film since my expectations were lower than the number of zombies I would leave alive should I ever find myself suddenly surrounded by them. But just so you know that I'm more than some honor bound elitist nerd who can't let go of the past, my reasons for low expectations were sort of justified. They are as follows.
- The script writer's best film at that point was Tromeo and Juliet from Troma Films.
- His scariest film was the live action version of Scooby Doo, starring living turds.
- The director's best film at that point was whatever he shot in film school, becuase he didn't have shit.
- It's set in Wisconsin, which even the undead are smart enough to avoid.
- Modern malls lack the cool factor of classic ones, i.e. no gun stores.
- George Romero had nothing to do with it.
So if impossible odds were zombies, those odds were seventy billion empty graves. In my opinion, the filmmakers looked at those overwhelming disadvantages, loaded their shotguns, and blew the rotten fucking faces off of their flesh eating questionable pasts. Rather than bore you by trying to explain a visual movie in words, I'll just tell you what they did right then send you on your way.
- Paid fan service with cameos by original makeup artist Tom Savini and original cast member Ken Foree.
- Didn't waste time by explaining something that the original never explained, which is something Hollywood usually has a fat date-rapist like hard-on for.
- Took out cheesy biker gangs.
- Realized that the only thing better than one hard black man is two hard black men.
- Obligatory gun equipping scene.
And just so you don't think I'm sucking total dick, here's a couple of things to cringe at.
- The zombies sound like bobcats for some reason. I'm cool with zombies sprinting if it's done well, but they should still moan. It's scarier.
- Compromising your entire group because of a stupid animal is one of my least favorite suspense cliches. If a dog is trapped in a zombie infested wasteland, let it go. It's not worth risking the lives of people who could help you and possibly fuck you in the near future.
- I think the only reason they included an extra black character was so they could kill one of them off like every other horror movie, but still have one survive as per the original.
I remember a time when I thought the world couldn't get any shittier. In response, the world decided to tie me down and force me to watch as it lovingly hired George Romero to write and direct a film adaptation of Resident Evil, a game admittedly inspired by his zombie movies, then hilariously fire him in exchange for the guy who directed Mortal Kombat. Touche, Earth, but you've just been kicked in the crotch, which I believe can be found roughly around Australia.
From start to finish, Dawn of the Dead is a two hour love letter to Earth's down-under crotch zone. To be fair, it wouldn't have taken much for me to enjoy the film since my expectations were lower than the number of zombies I would leave alive should I ever find myself suddenly surrounded by them. But just so you know that I'm more than some honor bound elitist nerd who can't let go of the past, my reasons for low expectations were sort of justified. They are as follows.
- The script writer's best film at that point was Tromeo and Juliet from Troma Films.
- His scariest film was the live action version of Scooby Doo, starring living turds.
- The director's best film at that point was whatever he shot in film school, becuase he didn't have shit.
- It's set in Wisconsin, which even the undead are smart enough to avoid.
- Modern malls lack the cool factor of classic ones, i.e. no gun stores.
- George Romero had nothing to do with it.
So if impossible odds were zombies, those odds were seventy billion empty graves. In my opinion, the filmmakers looked at those overwhelming disadvantages, loaded their shotguns, and blew the rotten fucking faces off of their flesh eating questionable pasts. Rather than bore you by trying to explain a visual movie in words, I'll just tell you what they did right then send you on your way.
- Paid fan service with cameos by original makeup artist Tom Savini and original cast member Ken Foree.
- Didn't waste time by explaining something that the original never explained, which is something Hollywood usually has a fat date-rapist like hard-on for.
- Took out cheesy biker gangs.
- Realized that the only thing better than one hard black man is two hard black men.
- Obligatory gun equipping scene.
And just so you don't think I'm sucking total dick, here's a couple of things to cringe at.
- The zombies sound like bobcats for some reason. I'm cool with zombies sprinting if it's done well, but they should still moan. It's scarier.
- Compromising your entire group because of a stupid animal is one of my least favorite suspense cliches. If a dog is trapped in a zombie infested wasteland, let it go. It's not worth risking the lives of people who could help you and possibly fuck you in the near future.
- I think the only reason they included an extra black character was so they could kill one of them off like every other horror movie, but still have one survive as per the original.
VIEW 25 of 40 COMMENTS
pharaoh:
nice avatar. looks what happens when i think i'm being original.
pharaoh:
being blacker than me ain't hard!