What a Newspaper Would Look Like if I Were Empresident of the Universe
Politics
Empresident Z has just been elected to his fifteenth consecutive term in the most powerful office known to man, robo-man, and beast-man. The victory is said to be largely attributed to his highly vaunted "Oral Sex Your Neighbor Day", which has just been expanded to occupy the entire Earth calendar year.
Science
Advancements continue to be made this week for the Inter-Universal Legion of Unstoppable Science and their highly funded project to turn shit talk and sarcasm into the most potent fuel ever known. When asked why the highly reactive fuel source was originally chosen for experimentation, Chief Engineer Crash Bangin' simply stated "Come on, seriously? Duh."
Religion
Turn to page 96A for today's update of Ameritron's #1 religious column, Religion Today! The smarter of you will notice that it's still just a picture of Empresident Z's ass as it has been for the last 60 years. Better luck next time, ass-haters.
Weather
If you're living within the secure confines of your selected weather dome, then you know damn well what the day is going to bring. If for some reason you're trapped between worlds, prepare those blast shields for a playful downpour from the highly contaminated remains of planet Joe Smith. For the fate of those unfortunate inhabitants, see Religion.
Comics
This week in 'Preacher', Jesse Custer hilariously carves the dasterdly Herr Starr's head into the shape of a penis.
This week in 'Transmetropolitan', Spider Jerusalem gets cranked up on a lot of cool drugs (that we are desperately trying to emulate) and kicks an old woman in the stomach. If you've missed out on either of these incredible comics, please check your local funnies store for collected editions. This is actually true.
Sports
The world of Ninja Deathseeker has been thoroughly rocked today by 36 year old homemaker, Edna Meaks. A nearly unstoppable performance in a sudden death round of Stealth Hunter saw her completely crush the inferior competition who were reported to be experiencing low to no actual menstrual flow. A heartbreaking disadvantage indeed in the world of Co-ed competitive ninjitsu.
Entertainment
Opening this Friday -
Radtomica: starring Van Damme, Jude Law, Christopher Walken, and Uma Thurman
"...an awesome and daring blend of classic martial arts and sensuous gay love." Gene Siskal
In related entertainment news: George Lucas' body has not yet been released from carbonite freeze, an ironic fate that Empresident Z is unlikely to change anytime soon. "You Got Served" is still tearing up the charts at #1 a full 60 years after it's theatrical release. What are the odds, ladies and gentlemen?
Politics
Empresident Z has just been elected to his fifteenth consecutive term in the most powerful office known to man, robo-man, and beast-man. The victory is said to be largely attributed to his highly vaunted "Oral Sex Your Neighbor Day", which has just been expanded to occupy the entire Earth calendar year.
Science
Advancements continue to be made this week for the Inter-Universal Legion of Unstoppable Science and their highly funded project to turn shit talk and sarcasm into the most potent fuel ever known. When asked why the highly reactive fuel source was originally chosen for experimentation, Chief Engineer Crash Bangin' simply stated "Come on, seriously? Duh."
Religion
Turn to page 96A for today's update of Ameritron's #1 religious column, Religion Today! The smarter of you will notice that it's still just a picture of Empresident Z's ass as it has been for the last 60 years. Better luck next time, ass-haters.
Weather
If you're living within the secure confines of your selected weather dome, then you know damn well what the day is going to bring. If for some reason you're trapped between worlds, prepare those blast shields for a playful downpour from the highly contaminated remains of planet Joe Smith. For the fate of those unfortunate inhabitants, see Religion.
Comics
This week in 'Preacher', Jesse Custer hilariously carves the dasterdly Herr Starr's head into the shape of a penis.
This week in 'Transmetropolitan', Spider Jerusalem gets cranked up on a lot of cool drugs (that we are desperately trying to emulate) and kicks an old woman in the stomach. If you've missed out on either of these incredible comics, please check your local funnies store for collected editions. This is actually true.
Sports
The world of Ninja Deathseeker has been thoroughly rocked today by 36 year old homemaker, Edna Meaks. A nearly unstoppable performance in a sudden death round of Stealth Hunter saw her completely crush the inferior competition who were reported to be experiencing low to no actual menstrual flow. A heartbreaking disadvantage indeed in the world of Co-ed competitive ninjitsu.
Entertainment
Opening this Friday -
Radtomica: starring Van Damme, Jude Law, Christopher Walken, and Uma Thurman
"...an awesome and daring blend of classic martial arts and sensuous gay love." Gene Siskal
In related entertainment news: George Lucas' body has not yet been released from carbonite freeze, an ironic fate that Empresident Z is unlikely to change anytime soon. "You Got Served" is still tearing up the charts at #1 a full 60 years after it's theatrical release. What are the odds, ladies and gentlemen?
VIEW 25 of 41 COMMENTS
glad to see you're finally embracing your homosexuality
good for you, brave lil Z
see ya