unnecessaryz

I'm going to spend the next few sentences telling you why you should immediately see the film "Honey". It is also entirely possible you'll be overcome with the sudden need to grab a torch and form an angry mob with the sole intention of storming my face. But I don't care, because "Honey" is fucking dope and I'll take a face storming to represent.

I want you all to know right now that I walked into this movie like most humans equipped with a penis would have: crying. I was looking forward to seeing this movie about as much as I look forward to making out with dry ice. But after a quick look into the hype night-life of Honey Daniels, I knew I just put my life in the hands of irony. If it was the director's intention to make the most ironic movie to ever rock mankind's asshole, then he did everything right. If he was truly attempting to convey a heart warming tale of inspiration, well, I'll just say that I'm glad there is someone to make these movies because other wise I would have to.

First of all, this movie was built on the combined might of every dance related 80s movie ever made. As such, there is certain criteria that must be met at all costs. Those conditions are as follows:

- Despite being the physical manifestation of desire, the main character must be hoplessly downtrodden, since everyone else in the film is just as hot.

- The main character must help the community. The other characters may dance just as good, if not better than the lead, but you don't see them pulling kids off the street, do you.

- The main character must draw upon obscure sources of inspiration in order to give their dance moves an unheard of edge. In this case, a tapped out Honey wanders around the set of her music video totally bumin' about her lack of vision. Good thing the set is surrounded by every form of recreation known to man. Before you know it, Honey is jacking dance moves from popular sports like Ed Gein jacks human skin. And after a seizure inducing moment of clarity, the lamest dance in the history of movement is created. I was seriously tearing up more dancefloor as a two year old wearing nothing but cowboy boots, a cape, and a diaper while listening to "Brick House."

- No matter what other problems plague the main character or the rest of the cast, saving a rec center will solve everything.

- A location must be chosen for the inevitable fund raiser that is beyond any hope of making code. The only chance to repair said location is through a musical montage that turns everyday mundane cleaning into insane dance moves. This was the only part that I was disappointed in. There was a musical cleaning montage, but they hardly danced at all. But all was forgiven once the fund raising performance started and a group of dancers actually came out and danced with brooms. I call it a crazy oversight that they didn't decide to do that sooner, but then again, you didn't see Ozone and Turbo's names in the credits, and you can only expect so from a montage without them.

At this point, I'm assuming all of you are either on your way to see this film or tearing your eyeballs out for the horrifying lack of Honey in front of them and your inability to do anything about it. On another note, someone ruined being gay for me, so I probably won't be doing it much anymore. Unless it's a story about me actually being gay. If you want to see me acting kind of gay, you can check out my pics section to see the new stuff I put there. Science has offically given the rest of you guys a 60% chance of being turned gay by pictures of my brother.