Some people out there (*cough* girls *cough*) tend to ask me why ninjas are so popular with boys between the ages 20-28. So as yet another public service to my beloved species, I present:
The History of the Ninja: 1500 A.D. to Now A.D. Why Are They So Rad?
15?? - About five hundred years ago, ninjas roamed the land free and wild. They ruled the world almost unchallenged, with only the mighty T-Rex standing against them. Well, as we all know, it was only a matter of time until nature took it's course and a meteor destroyed the Earth.
1980 - We skip ahead to a time when the legend of the ninja was resurected for the sole purpose of totally blowing us away. A made for TV movie called Shogun, known for it's incredibly long running time to boys with no attention span, featured a scene in which ninjas totally annihilate a village full of mostly women and children with flaming arrows and stealth. Our curiosity was peeked by this once mighty king of beasts, and a mental note was made in the minds of young boys everywhere: ninjas are fucking harsh.
1981-1986 - This was it. Every director who knew someone who owned black clothes knew that a movie wasn't a movie until it had a ninja of some kind in it. It was during this period that the capabilities of the true ninja were exploited for maximum sweetness. Many facts about the ancient ninjas were lost to time, but thanks to the time bending magic of Hollywood, we opened the Pandora's Box of skills that are...ninja powers. Some of these powers included shooting fire from their hands, disappearing, invisibility, flying, possesion, the ability to drill themselves into the ground, the ability to kill themselves with their minds, resurrecting themselves after that, digging an eight foot deep tiger pit with no tools, and the ability to carry any amount of weapons in any size bag. The perfect combination of survival and murder, almost every child wanted to be a ninja by this point.
*FUN FACT! Did you know that any boy who wasn't practicing his ninja sword style with sticks was probably using a stuffed animal to practice his homosexual love making technique? It's true.
1987-1990 - It was during this time that fame started to affect the ninja hive-mind. Ninjas everywhere began appearing in films using decidedly non-stealth related gear. Guns, dirt bikes, exposives, garishly colored outfits, and headbands that actually said 'Ninja' on them. One might think this would have tarnished the integrity of the ninja, but one would also be wrong. Dead wrong. This did, in fact, lift their radness to a mind blowingly impossible level. In order to bring rad acceptance levels back to a point that didn't make our brains collapse, a couple of drunks decided that the best way for them to get paid was to capatalize on two of the 80s most popular subjects: ninjas and mutant monsters. I know, it sounds like it would do the opposite, but trust me when I say it was pretty successful in taming overall ninja potency. While this foul camp was actively working against the ninja cause, video games were doing their best to completely eradicate our brains with the finest in ninja related edu-tainment. While shitty, early ninja games gave us a taste of what it would be like to leap fourty feet in one jump, transform into animals, and be totally radical, as indicated by the title of "Kid Niki: The Radical Ninja". Once Ninja Gaiden was released into our fucking minds, there was only one battle left to be fought: Ninja Gaiden vs. our puny human will. No mere turtle could hold back the onslaught of a ninja that would wantonly charge through our modern cities in full ninja gear while slicing public property, bursting into flame, and tearing thugs apart with ninja stars the size of your head.
1991-Today - Since then, ninjas have been brought to a somewhat laughable level, being remembered and celebrated for their more embarrassing films. But over the years, the young boys of Generation Ninja have slowly worked their way into positions of authority within the entertainment industry. A trickle of old time classics are beginning to skillfully insert themselves back into mainstream popularity. Hopefully by the time you read this, I will absolutely be wearing my bloodstained 'Ninja' headband while finally starting my copy of Ninja Gaiden for the X-box.
The History of the Ninja: 1500 A.D. to Now A.D. Why Are They So Rad?
15?? - About five hundred years ago, ninjas roamed the land free and wild. They ruled the world almost unchallenged, with only the mighty T-Rex standing against them. Well, as we all know, it was only a matter of time until nature took it's course and a meteor destroyed the Earth.
1980 - We skip ahead to a time when the legend of the ninja was resurected for the sole purpose of totally blowing us away. A made for TV movie called Shogun, known for it's incredibly long running time to boys with no attention span, featured a scene in which ninjas totally annihilate a village full of mostly women and children with flaming arrows and stealth. Our curiosity was peeked by this once mighty king of beasts, and a mental note was made in the minds of young boys everywhere: ninjas are fucking harsh.
1981-1986 - This was it. Every director who knew someone who owned black clothes knew that a movie wasn't a movie until it had a ninja of some kind in it. It was during this period that the capabilities of the true ninja were exploited for maximum sweetness. Many facts about the ancient ninjas were lost to time, but thanks to the time bending magic of Hollywood, we opened the Pandora's Box of skills that are...ninja powers. Some of these powers included shooting fire from their hands, disappearing, invisibility, flying, possesion, the ability to drill themselves into the ground, the ability to kill themselves with their minds, resurrecting themselves after that, digging an eight foot deep tiger pit with no tools, and the ability to carry any amount of weapons in any size bag. The perfect combination of survival and murder, almost every child wanted to be a ninja by this point.
*FUN FACT! Did you know that any boy who wasn't practicing his ninja sword style with sticks was probably using a stuffed animal to practice his homosexual love making technique? It's true.
1987-1990 - It was during this time that fame started to affect the ninja hive-mind. Ninjas everywhere began appearing in films using decidedly non-stealth related gear. Guns, dirt bikes, exposives, garishly colored outfits, and headbands that actually said 'Ninja' on them. One might think this would have tarnished the integrity of the ninja, but one would also be wrong. Dead wrong. This did, in fact, lift their radness to a mind blowingly impossible level. In order to bring rad acceptance levels back to a point that didn't make our brains collapse, a couple of drunks decided that the best way for them to get paid was to capatalize on two of the 80s most popular subjects: ninjas and mutant monsters. I know, it sounds like it would do the opposite, but trust me when I say it was pretty successful in taming overall ninja potency. While this foul camp was actively working against the ninja cause, video games were doing their best to completely eradicate our brains with the finest in ninja related edu-tainment. While shitty, early ninja games gave us a taste of what it would be like to leap fourty feet in one jump, transform into animals, and be totally radical, as indicated by the title of "Kid Niki: The Radical Ninja". Once Ninja Gaiden was released into our fucking minds, there was only one battle left to be fought: Ninja Gaiden vs. our puny human will. No mere turtle could hold back the onslaught of a ninja that would wantonly charge through our modern cities in full ninja gear while slicing public property, bursting into flame, and tearing thugs apart with ninja stars the size of your head.
1991-Today - Since then, ninjas have been brought to a somewhat laughable level, being remembered and celebrated for their more embarrassing films. But over the years, the young boys of Generation Ninja have slowly worked their way into positions of authority within the entertainment industry. A trickle of old time classics are beginning to skillfully insert themselves back into mainstream popularity. Hopefully by the time you read this, I will absolutely be wearing my bloodstained 'Ninja' headband while finally starting my copy of Ninja Gaiden for the X-box.
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we're talking about an early happy hour tomorrow - Thursday - what do yoiu think?