Unnecessary Z's Guide to Mid-Life Parenting
As seen in Clueless Single Male Monthly
Being a parent for the last month and a half has taught me a few things. The biggest thing being how to see my brother from a parental viewpoint. Before, I didn't care how much he ate, because it was always "Mom will feed that pig." I didn't care how fast he outgrew his cloths because it was always "Mom will keep clothes on the back of that mutating freak." I didn't care who he hung out with because it was always "As long as those ignorant thugs don't hang out at my house." If it hasn't become increasingly obvious to you by now through my use of biased adjectives, these things are beginning to affect my life. Because of these things, I've decided to put myself through a "me vs. fact" personality exercise to see how fit I am to be a parent and how fucked up my young impressionable charge is going to turn out.
1. Generosity
Me - I am a selfish, self centered individual that doesn't like to share his toys.
Fact - Kids want everything under the sun, that includes your toys.
2. Trust
Me - I am a deeply paranoid person who has trust issues with people who more than likely just want to steal all my stuff. I rarely loan anything to anyone.
Fact - All teenagers are hooligans.
3. Nurturing
Me - I am a recently divorced jackass who is barely aware that number five on the top ten list of "Reasons Why I'm Divorced" is "lacks caring and nurturing attitude."
Fact - Teenagers hate doting parental figures who bog down their social standing with too much love, which is totally gay in the eyes of their friends.
4. Generation Gap
Me - I believe that since the advent of video games, there is little to no difference between a fifteen year old boy and a twenty six year old boy...*ahem* I mean man.
Fact - The only difference between a fifteen year old boy and a twenty six year old man is the physical strength needed to beat more video game playing time out of their rivals.
5. Bonding
Me - I'm a dopey, balding twenty something who has tattoos and still wears baggy pants with tight shirts. You know, like I probably shouldn't.
Fact - Teenagers hate everybody. No matter how cool you think society perceives you to be, they will find something about you to horribly ridicule no matter how stupid you think they look.
So I don't know if I read the answers wrong or not, but I think this pretty much beats you over the head with the fact that I'm going to make a fucking awesome parent. Our parents are confident that this is true and I say that they're ability to properly judge a character has been poluted by my undeniable charm. But I have to be honest when I say that most of my confidence comes from the many similarities between my own situation and movies and sitcoms from the eighties about single men suddenly shackled with parental responsibilities. Man, they always get the chick in the end.
As seen in Clueless Single Male Monthly
Being a parent for the last month and a half has taught me a few things. The biggest thing being how to see my brother from a parental viewpoint. Before, I didn't care how much he ate, because it was always "Mom will feed that pig." I didn't care how fast he outgrew his cloths because it was always "Mom will keep clothes on the back of that mutating freak." I didn't care who he hung out with because it was always "As long as those ignorant thugs don't hang out at my house." If it hasn't become increasingly obvious to you by now through my use of biased adjectives, these things are beginning to affect my life. Because of these things, I've decided to put myself through a "me vs. fact" personality exercise to see how fit I am to be a parent and how fucked up my young impressionable charge is going to turn out.
1. Generosity
Me - I am a selfish, self centered individual that doesn't like to share his toys.
Fact - Kids want everything under the sun, that includes your toys.
2. Trust
Me - I am a deeply paranoid person who has trust issues with people who more than likely just want to steal all my stuff. I rarely loan anything to anyone.
Fact - All teenagers are hooligans.
3. Nurturing
Me - I am a recently divorced jackass who is barely aware that number five on the top ten list of "Reasons Why I'm Divorced" is "lacks caring and nurturing attitude."
Fact - Teenagers hate doting parental figures who bog down their social standing with too much love, which is totally gay in the eyes of their friends.
4. Generation Gap
Me - I believe that since the advent of video games, there is little to no difference between a fifteen year old boy and a twenty six year old boy...*ahem* I mean man.
Fact - The only difference between a fifteen year old boy and a twenty six year old man is the physical strength needed to beat more video game playing time out of their rivals.
5. Bonding
Me - I'm a dopey, balding twenty something who has tattoos and still wears baggy pants with tight shirts. You know, like I probably shouldn't.
Fact - Teenagers hate everybody. No matter how cool you think society perceives you to be, they will find something about you to horribly ridicule no matter how stupid you think they look.
So I don't know if I read the answers wrong or not, but I think this pretty much beats you over the head with the fact that I'm going to make a fucking awesome parent. Our parents are confident that this is true and I say that they're ability to properly judge a character has been poluted by my undeniable charm. But I have to be honest when I say that most of my confidence comes from the many similarities between my own situation and movies and sitcoms from the eighties about single men suddenly shackled with parental responsibilities. Man, they always get the chick in the end.
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
you were lovin the kissin down below
wha?
aw yeah
now you're following my comments around. role reversal. on your knees, bitch.