MOVIE REVIEW!!!
This is it folks. The end of a great and arduous search. One that was wrought with crap, licensing, and worst of all, Jerry Bruckhiemer. If any of you know me at all, you know that I hate movies more than anything. I hate the people that make them, and I hate the people that enjoy them. Strange since my ultimate goal is to make them myself, which creates some sort of hate paradox, but the fact remains I do hate them. Not unlike a sexual deviant who has grown tired of straight forward intercourse and now seeks nastier, more inhuman means of satisfaction, I can only enjoy a film if someone is humiliated, including me. As a student of film, one would think I appreciate art...you would be wrong. Foreign films? Unless they begin with "Story of" and end with "Ricky", you can keep them. Suspense, drama, and romance? Waterworld has them all, baby. This leads us to my new favorite and current reigning champion of rad...Cradle 2 the Grave!
I'm a fan of Jet Li's asian films and DMX's music, but could they possibly make a movie together that was any good? Especially when you consider Li's previous American films and DMX's co-starring role with Steven Segal? The answer...is TOTALLY! The film starts off with Jet Li descending the outside of a building by dropping and hanging from one balcony to the next. Typical Jet Li fare, so I shrugged it off. He kicks the trash out of some guy and we move on to DMX. Black wackiness ensues the likes of which no Bruckhiemer movie has ever seen! We are immediately treated to a fat black man pretending to be gay. Two critical minorities with an optional third all rolled up into one character! Efficiency at its finest. Then we roll through an uninspired heist so the film has a basis for the total fucking insanity that becomes the rest of the script. There are a few moments crazy enough to make me raise my eyebrow, but again I relaxed and settled back in my chair. A quick tour of DMX's house leads me to believe he has missed the point of playing a fictional character in a fictional movie because the place looks like something he might own in real life. I noticed this in "Belly" as well. Despite these houses compromising the foundation of the characters he's playing, he obviously refuses to appear in anything less than totally hype'.
Once Tom Arnold is introduced, I knew I was in for a real treat. His mere presence was enough information for me to deduce the intent of the film. The same could be said for "Double Dragon" and "Only the Strong's" Mark Dacascos, who was present as well. He's not the Straight to Video King for nothin'! I couldn't be happier. This is about the time when the movie showed its true colors and, during a standard fight between some thugs and Jet Li and DMX, DMX chooses to avoid some dangerous dogs by, and hold the fuck on, running up the side of a wall! Not just a little, no. Like twenty fucking feet up the wall and flipping backwards! This moment was only topped by Jet Li taking on a cage full of Ultimate Fighting Champions by using a midget as a weapon. Soon after, DMX runs into the movie car chase staple: rad dudes in a monster truck with ATVs and dirt bikes on a trailer. After DMX stole one and lead a car chase that had him jumping rooftops, I decided that either the director is the funniest man alive, or DMX wrote this movie himself. And that's about all the justice I can do for this movie without you seeing it for yourself. If the review seems scattered and nonsensical, it's because I was trying to emulate the feeling of the film. So quit wasting precious Cradle 2 the Grave time and get that shit! Ruff Rydas'!
This is it folks. The end of a great and arduous search. One that was wrought with crap, licensing, and worst of all, Jerry Bruckhiemer. If any of you know me at all, you know that I hate movies more than anything. I hate the people that make them, and I hate the people that enjoy them. Strange since my ultimate goal is to make them myself, which creates some sort of hate paradox, but the fact remains I do hate them. Not unlike a sexual deviant who has grown tired of straight forward intercourse and now seeks nastier, more inhuman means of satisfaction, I can only enjoy a film if someone is humiliated, including me. As a student of film, one would think I appreciate art...you would be wrong. Foreign films? Unless they begin with "Story of" and end with "Ricky", you can keep them. Suspense, drama, and romance? Waterworld has them all, baby. This leads us to my new favorite and current reigning champion of rad...Cradle 2 the Grave!
I'm a fan of Jet Li's asian films and DMX's music, but could they possibly make a movie together that was any good? Especially when you consider Li's previous American films and DMX's co-starring role with Steven Segal? The answer...is TOTALLY! The film starts off with Jet Li descending the outside of a building by dropping and hanging from one balcony to the next. Typical Jet Li fare, so I shrugged it off. He kicks the trash out of some guy and we move on to DMX. Black wackiness ensues the likes of which no Bruckhiemer movie has ever seen! We are immediately treated to a fat black man pretending to be gay. Two critical minorities with an optional third all rolled up into one character! Efficiency at its finest. Then we roll through an uninspired heist so the film has a basis for the total fucking insanity that becomes the rest of the script. There are a few moments crazy enough to make me raise my eyebrow, but again I relaxed and settled back in my chair. A quick tour of DMX's house leads me to believe he has missed the point of playing a fictional character in a fictional movie because the place looks like something he might own in real life. I noticed this in "Belly" as well. Despite these houses compromising the foundation of the characters he's playing, he obviously refuses to appear in anything less than totally hype'.
Once Tom Arnold is introduced, I knew I was in for a real treat. His mere presence was enough information for me to deduce the intent of the film. The same could be said for "Double Dragon" and "Only the Strong's" Mark Dacascos, who was present as well. He's not the Straight to Video King for nothin'! I couldn't be happier. This is about the time when the movie showed its true colors and, during a standard fight between some thugs and Jet Li and DMX, DMX chooses to avoid some dangerous dogs by, and hold the fuck on, running up the side of a wall! Not just a little, no. Like twenty fucking feet up the wall and flipping backwards! This moment was only topped by Jet Li taking on a cage full of Ultimate Fighting Champions by using a midget as a weapon. Soon after, DMX runs into the movie car chase staple: rad dudes in a monster truck with ATVs and dirt bikes on a trailer. After DMX stole one and lead a car chase that had him jumping rooftops, I decided that either the director is the funniest man alive, or DMX wrote this movie himself. And that's about all the justice I can do for this movie without you seeing it for yourself. If the review seems scattered and nonsensical, it's because I was trying to emulate the feeling of the film. So quit wasting precious Cradle 2 the Grave time and get that shit! Ruff Rydas'!
VIEW 17 of 17 COMMENTS
i saw your list of dealbreakers
damn
2/3 ain't bad