unnecessaryz

I'm aware that as many as none to very few of you have missed my madcap adventures through comedy over the last week or so, but I'm proud to present this rare journal entry to hold you over. I haven't been at work the last week, where I do most of my posting, and I've been entertaining my culturally awesome family at home, where I do the rest of my posting. But now they're gone and I'm back. Well, they're mostly gone. I am now the proud owner of a brand new fifteen year old. Yes, my youngest brother will be finishing his high school career with me. It's a long story which basically boils down to the mid-west sucking incredibly hard. But anyway, check my pics section for some hot shots of my bros. You may notice a slight difference in color and that is a long story as well. But if you can't fathom the idea that someone could possibly have kids with two different men, then you probably don't leave the house without a leash anyway so I won't bother telling it. Anyway, my brothers and I marked the end of another kick ass reunion by going to the hellish land known as Six Flags Great Adventure. Pretty much the only thing I learned during that trip was that I hate the sun and all the stupid shit it gives life to. But that didn't stop me from enjoying the many rides offered at that completely offensive shit hole. Here's some short reviews on the rides.

The Batman: A short line made a good solid start to the day's activities. Although the ride held little resemblance to anything Batman related other than the smashed police car outside with the words "Gotham Police" stenciled on it, the coaster itself was pretty tight. Every park in America pretty much has one version or another of this ride, so you probably know what I'm talking about. I've also seen this thing refered to as Iron Dragon and The Mind-eraser.

The Nitro: Yes. Simply the best thing in the park. Not offering any sort of gimicky theme, the Nitro just kicks your ass with a sweet combination of height and speed. I rode this the most.

The Superman: The newest ride was also the hardest to get on. Essentially this overrated mess is suppose to make it seem like you're flying through the air. But, seeing as you're in a sitting position when the machine turns you horizontal, you're actually pretty much bent over in the air. Less a flying machine and more an automatic doggystyle machine, I felt more like I was in my mistress' dungeon and less like I was soaring through the clouds on a mission for peace and justice. Adding to the fact that you are unable to move or free your legs and can barely move you arms, the dominating sex machine feeling was made complete. I half expected the bottom of my seat to open up, allowing the uppity teenage employees unrestricted access to my fortress of solitude. The ride itself was pretty uninspired compared to some of the crazy shit coming out these days. But you were greeted by a fucking hype picture of Braniac upon entering the line, and that's pretty cool.

Worst park attraction: The Ultimate Unceasing Money Stealing Machine. I know it's a cliche, but I never stop being amazed at the extreme level of pure sickening greed at these garishly colored mad-houses. Ten bucks for parking is fucking crazy right? Maybe, but not as crazy as the five dollar "Premiere Parking" option which shaves the walk to the park from ten miles to five, effectively giving you what you pay for. Add that to the "Fastlane" line standing option, and things just get retarded in an atronomical sense. They might as well post a sign next to the rides that says "Hate lines? The answer to your problem is: yes, we do accept bribes!" Basically anything outside of walking through their fatastic magical world costs extra, and that includes the twenty five cents to get blasted in the face with cool refreshing water.

There was more, obviously, but now I'm pissed again. I'll just leave you with this: The Medusa is pretty cool and the Great American Scream Machine made the odds of my neck successfully holding my head up for the rest of my life significantly lower.