Z and Order: Special Crime Scene Rape Prevention Astronauts
Last month's all new episode of my life featured the usual amount of adventure, surprise twists, and plenty of celebrity guest appearances. Although most die-hard fans will agree that I totally jumped the shark that time I solved the case of the haunted carnival with help from the of ghost of Pamela Anderson's first breast implants.
Thanksgiving was an empty bottle of wine laden good time, thanks to the tremendous culinary efforts of waxangel. The way his tiny oven continuously produced one amazing dish after another convinced me that the same company that makes clown cars designed his kitchen. Also, his living room's awkwardly sloping floors actually ended up being a stroke of architectural genius as I sat on the low end of his table and simply let the food slide into my mouth. On a more shameful note, I'm sorry, Wax, but your Mom is hot and I intentionally sabotaged the seating so that she ended up next to me. I was later punished for my impure thoughts by having the skin blasted from my skeleton by sudden and deadly Thanksgiving Day winds. At least the evening was punctuated by a viewing of straight to TV's Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave. I would have been devastated had no one in the movie actually said "rave to the grave". Good thing they did five minutes after we started watching it.
Next up was a visit from Al, who is by far the sexiest person named Al ever. I decided that she only came to New York to catch up on some sleep, because it was either that or face the awful fact that I'm dangerously boring. The funniest moment of the visit was when we came home from a night of drinking to a seemingly empty apartment. We soon discovered that my brother was actually home, but not before Al vocally expressed what we both suspected: "Damn! It smells like refer in here!" It was funnier after I stopped wanting to kill my brother for breaking my rules against doing that hippy bullshit in my house...again. Shortly after Al returned home, secure in the knowledge that I could beat her ass at will in Def Jam: Fight for New York.
The next visitor to attempt the destruction of my liver was American Idol runner-up mk700c. Our unique comedic stylings instantly began an elaborate dance that must have seemed pre-scripted to anyone who fell in its path. My only regrets from that weekend were as follows:
1. I wasn't attacked by mystical kung-fu gangs in Chinatown for the first time ever, depriving mk and I a chance to stand back to back and deliver quips while fending off magic.
2. We didn't have any kind of recording device when a young African-American male hobbled by us while desperately clutching his asshole and yelling "I gotta take a shit!" to the friends who were no doubt trying to pretend he wasn't talking to them.
Also, I apologize to girlie for not recognizing you right away at the gym. It took me a moment to realize that the chipper makeup artist I thought I knew was the same indestructible terminator standing before me.
Last month's all new episode of my life featured the usual amount of adventure, surprise twists, and plenty of celebrity guest appearances. Although most die-hard fans will agree that I totally jumped the shark that time I solved the case of the haunted carnival with help from the of ghost of Pamela Anderson's first breast implants.
Thanksgiving was an empty bottle of wine laden good time, thanks to the tremendous culinary efforts of waxangel. The way his tiny oven continuously produced one amazing dish after another convinced me that the same company that makes clown cars designed his kitchen. Also, his living room's awkwardly sloping floors actually ended up being a stroke of architectural genius as I sat on the low end of his table and simply let the food slide into my mouth. On a more shameful note, I'm sorry, Wax, but your Mom is hot and I intentionally sabotaged the seating so that she ended up next to me. I was later punished for my impure thoughts by having the skin blasted from my skeleton by sudden and deadly Thanksgiving Day winds. At least the evening was punctuated by a viewing of straight to TV's Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave. I would have been devastated had no one in the movie actually said "rave to the grave". Good thing they did five minutes after we started watching it.
Next up was a visit from Al, who is by far the sexiest person named Al ever. I decided that she only came to New York to catch up on some sleep, because it was either that or face the awful fact that I'm dangerously boring. The funniest moment of the visit was when we came home from a night of drinking to a seemingly empty apartment. We soon discovered that my brother was actually home, but not before Al vocally expressed what we both suspected: "Damn! It smells like refer in here!" It was funnier after I stopped wanting to kill my brother for breaking my rules against doing that hippy bullshit in my house...again. Shortly after Al returned home, secure in the knowledge that I could beat her ass at will in Def Jam: Fight for New York.
The next visitor to attempt the destruction of my liver was American Idol runner-up mk700c. Our unique comedic stylings instantly began an elaborate dance that must have seemed pre-scripted to anyone who fell in its path. My only regrets from that weekend were as follows:
1. I wasn't attacked by mystical kung-fu gangs in Chinatown for the first time ever, depriving mk and I a chance to stand back to back and deliver quips while fending off magic.
2. We didn't have any kind of recording device when a young African-American male hobbled by us while desperately clutching his asshole and yelling "I gotta take a shit!" to the friends who were no doubt trying to pretend he wasn't talking to them.
Also, I apologize to girlie for not recognizing you right away at the gym. It took me a moment to realize that the chipper makeup artist I thought I knew was the same indestructible terminator standing before me.
VIEW 25 of 41 COMMENTS
dunx:
I will need a Tall Boy this Friday. A Tall Boy from Z.
dunx:
Awesome. I'm gonna go scrounge the couch for $4 in change just to make sure.