tygerblade

I feel profoundly sad. It happens whenever I contemplate my life: accumulating wealth to pay off my debt, with the occassional movie to distract myself from the emptiness of it all. After much hard work to recover from bad choices I made six years ago, I believe I'll have all my debt finally paid off before the end of 2005. Then I can resume saving up for retirement when I'm sixty or so. That way I can continue my empty existence without the need to work for it, once I'm too old to enjoy the lack of work. And that's if things go well.

I often fantasize about deciding to sleep instead of going into work one day, and never go back to work again. Live in my house until I grow tired of it, and then just walk away, leaving everything. My car, my books, my useless things. Let the creditors have it all. I'll wander the earth, living day by day, doing the occassional odd job in exchange for food, shelter, a change of clothing and a shower. The extra weight will drop off me, I'll be forced to interact with new people every day, and every decision I make will determine whether I live or die. No room for coasting through life on emptiness there.

But then my cats persuade me how truly stupid it would be for me to leave them without catfood, and I end up getting up and going to work again. And I realize that sad as I get sometimes, I'm actually happy with my life, even my job. It's that emptiness that I hate. I just have to figure out how to fill it is all.