trueblue

i spend every day waiting for the new bright eyes cd to get here. walking home i try to tell myself not to get too expectant, to prepare for disappointment and every day that preparation pays off. smoking too much. maybe they call it chain smoking because it chains you down. i wish there was a word for the emotion when you feel like you want to sleep but really you want to cry, but you feel too disconnected and numb.

sick of anxieties and thoughts and mental images from pasts i've never experienced. i wonder if everyone wakes up everyday like a zombie jumping out of the ground and have to paint the paleness off their faces. the new bright eyes cd came today. i was so happy i almost cried and then i heard it and i did. i didn't know it was possible to love a material object so much, but i felt an attachment before the first note came on. maybe it took nine months to create or i spent nine months waiting but i feel like this disc is my child and these songs are my closest friends.

you know how in moments that are supposed to be deep we (not us, proverbial we) always talk about stars? i think our thoughts (our, not proverbial our) are like photographs of stars taken by a camera lens that was left open too long and they just slide across the sky, until its left open even longer and longer and the thoughts just get too long and they tangle and blur together and then there's no more stars, just a streak of light across a black sky.

stomach is sick too often. i want to vomit anxiety. i want to regress into an innocence so untouchable that i'm no longer human. i only want to be touched as a cat. cats are wonderful. my english teacher was talking about this poet that wrote about the glory of life in this super long poem entirely about his cat. they have such curious fragile eyes.

so sick of stagnation. i want to travel. we need to road trip. soon. capital.capital