trekka

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

I am literally split down the middle on this whole situation, which is actually better than I thought I would be at this point.

There's this part of me that knows and embraces all the good that will come from me living at my mom and step dad's again. Once I find I job, I'll be able to save money easily. And I'll be living in a beautiful, big home on lots of property with dogs and goats and a basketball court and a ping pong table and work out equipment and a pool... In fact THIS (my last set, Unsummer) was shot there. So, you can see how beautiful the environment is that I'll be spending my time in..

Its basically like a motherfucking utopia! Primo place for my wounds to heal I think.

And my mom and step dad and I have sat down and outlined some "boundaries" and whatnot for while I'm living there. So, I'm not tooooooo worried about them driving me insane or anything. They're actually quite wonderful people.
Old bodybuilding pic of my step dad:

Old pic of my mom from their honeymoon:

(babe-alicious)

I guess the only real and true reasons I'm -not- jazzed on it has to do with the fact that I am 25 fucking years old and moving back home with my parents. A lot of shame and embarrassment and defeat surround me currently on this topic. And I'm trying to work through that. I know I will. Once I'm settled in and especially when I find a goddam j.o.b.

Plus, I will miss my apartment greatly. It has been the roof over my head for almost 3 years now. It's full of memories, good and bad. I will genuinely miss this place. But.... I need to let go.

Why is that so hard?

Also, as most of you know (if you keep up with my blogs) I saw a new therapist and got started on some new-ish meds last week. This therapist is just the bees knees! I really like her and I have NEVER said that about a therapist before. Ever. LOL As a rule, I hate therapists (irrationally, yes. But I do). But, she is fabulous. She's maybe in her early 30's or so and very warm and pleasant and not just for my benefit. She puts off a very welcoming and understanding vibe and I really dig her. And she's the only therapist I've seem who doesn't make me feel like a pathetic chump.

Anyways, so she talked to my psychiatrist and they got me on a much better routine of meds to match the level of stress I'm going through right now. I mean... my stress was REAL bad. I wasn't even writing HERE about the full level of stress I was experiencing.

And I can breathe! I can smile. I can laugh (genuinely). Most importantly, I feel stable and grounded enough to deal with what I need to.

As far as the breakup goes... It still hurts. And I know it will for a long time. But, now on the meds, I feel like I can keep a grip and not act as much like a brokenhearted fool. It hurts. I mean, the feeling I get when I look him in the eyes and know that he doesn't feel the same way he once did for me... it hurts more than words can describe. BUT, I'm able to stand up and stand tall and strong. I actually feel like I'm going to be able to get through this for the first time.

OK! Enough talkie talkie! How bout some pic-a-tic-tures?!

The sky has been my haven lately. Ever since I was a kid, when I go through tough times, I'd lay down and watch the clouds and imagine I was a bird soaring around to wherever I wanna go. (note my tattoos. lol birds. Also, the rest of my half sleeve is going to be blue sky and couds) Anyways, the weather has been odd lately and the clouds have been mind blowing! So, first I'll show you some of that:

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

Soooooooo prettttyyyyyy!

Now a few randoms..
I went to Chicago Fire with my dad for pizza the other day. it looked like this and tasted like heaven:

being safe and taking pictures while i drive:

My little "gentleman" ruining the screen door (who cares, we're moving right?! lol)


Lucy gets stuff stuck in her teeth sometimes. hehehe:

sippin on some vinoooooo

some super pretty pink flowers:


Not too many, that's all I've got today. Hehehe.

Soooooooo on Wednesday I'm going over to kas's house to kick it with her and DefendTucson so that promises a good time! I'm pretty jazzed about it. I welcome any and all distractions right now and this sounds like a fun one! Hehehe! Also, hopefully, me and Thanatogenous can hang again this week!

This is gonna be a busy week.

I've also been talking to Drama a lot. He and I have been friends on here for a long time and he has been soooo amazing at pulling me out of this hole and showing me the light at the end of this tunnel of madness. He always seems to text me when I'm feeling down and out, without even knowing.

I feel so lucky to have some of you. I'm gonna get all sappy here for a second, but I've never really bee able to connect with a lot of people IRL. I'm unique and different in the way I interact with people (and that whole not having a filter thing) and until I found SG, I was so lonely. Once I found you guys, I found my community. I found people who celebrate my quirkiness that I can literally talk to about anything. And while I do still feel lonely from time to time (because I'm human and loneliness is part of human life) I feel like I finally have a solid group of friends.

So anyways, thank you guys! I love you!

Also, someone make it hurry up and be May 26. I'm ready to sail away.


OK! Time to suck the day's dick!

Hahaha! Mucho love!
xoxo Trekka