torihoney

i had dinner tonight with an old friend, a girl i used to be best friends with in high school. it's really quite amazing to me that even though we travel in different social circles, we see each other and it's as if no time has passed, we talk and laugh as easily as we ever have, and yet- i never see her.

i guess i'm a strange creature in the sense that i don't seek other people out, and it's not because i want solitude. i feel an immense sense of pressure when i invite people to spend time with me to be entertaining enough that they don't feel as if their time has been wasted. though you would think that if they agreed to spend time with you, they obviously found something likeable about you already, right? so why is the initial call such a battle for me? i am relieved when someone seeks me out and asks me to accompany them to do something they were already going to do, because then i know i'm there to add to their day, not to make or break it. why are friendships so stressful to me? why am i so socially retarded, but fine once i'm in the situations? i love knowing that something i said or did was significant to someone i like, i live for that...and yet i pretty much deny myself those opportunities on a daily basis.

today as i was driving to meet my old friend, i stopped by another friend's rehearsal studio just to give her a hug, and to tell her i missed her. she seemed pleased and that made me the happiest i've been all day. on a totally unrelated note, i have to send back all the underwear i ordered from victoria's sectret, because i seem to be a small and not a medium....maybe it was the BDD influencing me at the time, but apparently, baby no longer has (much) back.