timeoftheeclipse

i love you all
im sorry i havent been posting much, but things have been wonky
still are to a degree, getting better

right now
its snowing outside
unusual in and of itself?
no
but what is, is the fact that not only is it snowing, its thundering and lightnigening (lol) outside too
oddish combination

ive been feeling a bit down
a bit nostalgic
a bit queasy
and a bit like something important to me is about to slip away and theres nothing i can do about it

so, considering i love snow, it always makes me happy inside
and the fact that ive been feeling all akimbo
im going to throw some of my old poetry in here
just a few, or a lot, depends on how many i can type before i get too tired
now, bear in mind, i wrote these in high school, some maybe 10 years ago, some 7 or so
i dont write anymore really,
seems ive lost my muse
there are all kinds of recurring themes in these
youll notice it, i promise
a few of them arent finished and a few of them get worse near the end, i think i came back to finish them later or something and couldnt get the right feel or mood back
but these may give a few of you who know me, some better insight to why i am the way i am, why i am who i am and where im coming from
maybe
who knows

enjoy, dont laff to much

be well
i love you all
-m

----------------------
{part one}
god i loved her.
she was my best friend.
she always told me shed die young
i always knew she had too much to live for,
i wanted to save her,
but she wanted too much.
and when she walked right into the eye of the storm,
i knew shed get exactly what she wanted,
it was just her disposition.
why?
why couldnt i be there,
be with her, to help her,
or at least die with her.
after all, we wanted to die together.
she told me that when she went, she wanted me
to come in after her.
i would have.
it scared me
and it hurt.
i loved her too much.
after she was gone, the times
i put the gun to my head are
countless
but i knew...
her voice blew in the wind, telling me no,
to stay, that this is a better place.
but remembering our time together
always took me to the edge
where all i had to do
was squeeze my finger
and we would have been together
again
forever.
but she still talks to me
and soothes my pain
and tells me to stay alive
and live my life and try my hardest
to forget the pain
but not her
and not the love i had for her
ill never forget her
so just for her
ill go on
trying to be the one thing
she always wanted me to be
happy.

{pert two}
i still see her in my dreams
laughing, crying, getting drunk
or just having fun
but her eyes are always
so hollow
not ful of life and love
like they used to be
and i try to hold her
close enough
so she'll never leave again
but dreams always fade away
and i wake up crying when shes not there
scared that my memories
will fade like dreams
but i know ill never forget
because her blood flows with mine
her mind thinks my thoughts
and her soul
her soul, will forever be the reason
why i live
for our hearts are entwined
and part of me died with her
but she still lives in me
making me love and miss her
but never letting me forget..

------------------------

she slithers in
and slips her eyes around me
her body moves
to the rhythm inside
she shines when she smiles
like the moons reflection
but at the heart
shes my little plaything
a demented lover

-----------------------------------

{first/mine}
green eyes sparkle through the dark
soft lips whisper secret dreams
that i know i can neve be part of
theres a place inside me
where a hope stil shines
and i wish i could let her know
that i tear myself apart
trying to be part of her
she doesnt know that i admire her
that i watch her to see if she notices me
but she never does
since the first time i saw her
i have wondered what it would be like
to hold her
to touch her
to feel her
but i know that i never can
because she is too good for me
if she ever knew how i felt
shed laugh at me
but i ache to make her realize
that im not the fool she sees
that the only thing that keeps me
from telling her how i feel
is the fear that she wont
feel the same way
and that shell jsut laugh
at my foolishness
for ever thinking
that we could be together

{final/yours}
she doesnt know that i admire her
that i watch to see if she notices me
but she never does
since the first time i saw her
i have wondered what it would be like
to hold her to touch her to feel her
but i knw that i never can
because i am not good enough for her
her green eyes sparkle through the dark
her soft lips whisper secret dreams
that make me want her even more
but how can i ever be part of her
if she doesnt even realize
that i would give anything
jsut to have her notice me once
and maybe even smile

-----------------------------------

as i awaken from my pool of unconsciousness
i see the tears that had run down her face
i see the sorrow frozen in her eyes
and i cry
(i loved her so much)
her blood dried on my hands
sa i tried to save her
the screams unheard
as i felt her die in my arms
(i will never forget her)
the pain
the tears i feel on my face
her emptiness, i feel inside my soul
(why?)
to me, her face will always glow with love
but her wrists will always shine with the blood
that i drove her to shed
(i killed her)
in my dreams she comes to me
and tries to comfort
but i am scared she will accuse me
i would give my life to bring her back
(i didnt get a chance to tell her)
the lonliness is nothing like the pain
i saw on her face
burned deep in my mind ill never forget
the way she would talk me down off my ledge
and hold me until i slept
(how much i loved her)
as i felt her die i held her
ill always hold her inside
but there will always be a place in me
where she will always stay
a place deep in my heart
where i was never afraid
(to tell her i loved her)

-----------------------------------

ummmmm
nevermind
these suck and the rest are worse
christ, i seem like a stalker
oh well, ill leave em up just for giggles